The watercolor has now been added. After it dries compeletly, will be the gouache. After the details are painted with the gouache, some more fine tuning will be done with the watercolor before and pastels are added.
 

confusion and enlightenment

At times, I am very confused about what to do. Many people in my life right now are telling me to go out and get what I need. Well, I need love, and yes, money, but that is more about a career. With love, some of those same people say let it go, forget about it and “she” will come. “Love always finds us when we are not looking.” See, very confusing. Either a person goes out and finds it or “forgets” about it. Live your life without love for 5 years plus and see if you can just “forget” about it. Not easy, but do-able. If it is staring us in the face, what then? It seems that if I hold on tightly and dream and visualize, it slips away. All of the women in my life lately (the past 5 years) have been unavailable for some reason or another. Too young, married, deep issues, not at my spiritual level, un-welling, or whatever. I can accept that I am on a higher plane and that my options are limited. Also, I seek love and romance and friendship and growth and healing and close intimacy with the hot sex. Very hard to find! There seems to be several woman now in my life that I could hook up with, but I just do not know what to do. Should I look into it, see if they will fit, or just pretend like I am “forgetting” and let them come to me. A person has to do their part in this. Doing nothing is doing something. In fact, sometimes, doing nothing is very hard. There is a woman that I was introduced to about a week ago who is oh so very sexy and WOW! what a great body and a great smile and pretty light brown, big eyes. She seems like a nice person and that she has a good heart, but I do not know her, yet. Those aspects are far more important to me. Her aura screams sensuality, her energy says a kind heart, but my heart and the voices in my head tell me to be patient and allow her to come to me. She is in my thoughts often this past week, but I try not to hold on or draw her near me. I just enjoy the view and let her go. If I hold on or fantasize or visualize or wish or want or desire, she will be gone! This has happen more and more in the past 5 years. However, I want a wife, not some sex buddy, or even just a girlfriend. I do not want to date around or have a relationship that will be short term with intense sex. This is not what I have asked God and the Universe for, this is not what I pray for, but I am very lonely at times, and weak and just want to touch someone. So, I have no choice but to look around. It is frustrating at times because I am a good person, no!, I am a very good person and I see lots of people who are not even close to where I am and they have all of the sex they want. But, is it true love? Probably not, but at times, the World seems backward to me. Many of them are making mistakes, or just trying to learn or grow or some are just stuck in their issues. Yet, I do not get to make that choice. When it comes to most of my life, well, ALL of the big parts of it, I have limited choices. Sure, we make our own life’s and yadda, yadda, yadda. Does not work for me and if you will read my blog, “Clairvoyance, time, and her” you will get the picture. For my career, I would rather be a DJ at a radio station (even own it) or a huge money making writer or artist or a rock star. God will not allow it. Why? Because I gave my life to do God's work in this life time. My desires conflict with my "chosen" path. God asks of me to help others. Even when trying to follow this path, it is not my choice. Yes, music is still in my life, as is writing and art. There are ways to have this and help others, but is that what God asks? I wanted to have a PhD and be a counsel/therapist and own my own clinic that offered holistic healing as well. Many early “readings” told me this was my path. I worked damn hard for this, but was “Asked” to go do something else. After 4 years of frustration and rejection, I am a little confused at times, wondering how this system works. Now, I am doing that something else, but it is one very tinny baby step and then stand still for a long time until I can take the next step. At times, I am wondering if this is even what I should be doing or even if this is what I am being asked to do. In all of this time, I have racked-up some big debt. Again, everyone is telling me to visualize and push and push but it just has not worked so far and has only served to push those things away from me, not bring them to me, especially women. If I let it go, then that is even harder work. Imagine if you will, just standing and allowing. All around you is life going on, people in love, people earning money, people learning and growing, and you right in the eye of the storm, doing nothing but observing. Loneliness, desires, longing, fear, pain, a deep knowing, calm, all run though your spirit, your mind, your heart and soul like a ragging river! You know what you want. You have asked. You have visualized, now you are alone in the dark and waiting for it to come. It gets closer and closer, at times, you want it more and more, if you start to grab for it, it pulls away. You start to visualize it and it fads away. You start to close down and become resentful. Then, you know better, so you open your mind to it and have happy thoughts about it. Then, it changes and you have to start all over again. In this bardo, you get learn all about yourself. Many things that are not pretty or happy, but they are you. You get to redefine yourself and to remove any shortcomings, if you choice to, anyway. Okay, so if and when my opportunities, come, I will grab them without any hesitation, when they are within my reach. Lately, it has only been bread crumbs to a starving person. I get frustrated and depressed and discouraged. With women, I keep getting the "wrong" ones. Sure, they have helped me to grow and heal and in this way they were “right,” but when does the "right" one show up? When is it that I can make love to and touch and feel and smell and be friends with and share our life’s together? It was suggested that I just “be” and wait and allow life and God and the Universe to provide. Good advise, but what other choice do I have? Being angry and resentful and depressed and all of that just makes the waiting that much harder. Ask yourself this, can I stand in the eye of the storm and just be? If so, then good for you! Because you are Enlightened. Someday, I feel that I am, and some days I feel that I am not Enlightened.

What I have in mind to do now, is show the blue woman/dragon piece as it is being made. (Please, see below for the explanation of the draws and the others) These are being done using watercolors, gouache (opaque watercolors), and chalk pastels. The watercolor is used as the main base, the gouache for the eyes, lips, and other fine details, with a light layer of pastels over the top. It all begins with the idea that is in my head. A few of them, I sketched out first, to get the lay-out organized and to plan the dragon. For this one, I did not because the image is already in my head the way I want it to be. Sometimes, the image is a clear detailed drawing. Sometimes, it is a vague shadow of an idea that needs to be developed physically on paper. Then, I transfer, either from my mind or the sketches, the outline on the paper. To not plan it first is taking a risk. The paper I use is expensive rag watercolor acid-free paper that is not forgiving to pencil marks being erased. It is NOT my recommendation for anyone to do as I do, but if you are confident in getting the sketch done with little to no erasing, then proceed. I use a number 6B drawing pencil that has very soft lead. It makes it much easier to erase. With watercolors, anything on the surface of the paper is very likely to show though the paint (especially blue), so I try to limit pencil marks. The paper is then taped down onto a drawing board. This limits the paper warping out of shape. The next step is to paint all of the negative space white. In art, negative space is defined as an area that is devoid of subject matter. This photo is at that step. Next entry will be of the next step, painting on the blue base of watercolor. Painting over the pencil marks means that it can not be easily erased. Rag paper does not have easily removable surfaces that a normal hard pencil easer will remove. It tends to "gum" up and look like heavy lent balls. Before I paint it, I will take a kneaded eraser and lightened the lines. For now, I left them darker for the photo.
 

the purple one 

the green one 

the orange one 

Mixed media, pastel over watercolor, 2005. The newest installment of the woman and dragon series. There is now a red, green, purple, orange, and brown one. Soon, will be a blue one. This is also the first that I used a photo of someone I know and not just made her up. Again, if you have not seen the others (there are some on here and I will latter put the rest on here), I did these using only one color and using lots of negative space. For each of these drawings, I made the eyes larger than normal. This is to reflect innocence and also to show that these woman can see the unseen or see more that the normal person. Before I meet this person in this drawing, I had completed the other drawings. Now that I know her, this concept fits these descriptions very well! It was only natural that I include her in one of them. She is a woman who can see those things that many others do not see or believe. The dragons are a reflection of the women's inner self. It shows strength, independence, a strong will, elegances and mystery. These are also protectors or guardians for them. In this drawing, the dragon is more decorative than the other dragons. This is to show that she is more complex in her inner world and inner self than most other women I know now.
 

"To Know"

To think without words
To describe without labels
To admire without saying
To speak without a language
Is to look upon and know

"Intuition"

My very first feeling and my very first thought
Are always the way things turnout to be.
Why would I need any of the others to be?
So, why do people expect me to see
All of their wrong, misguided possibilities?
I ask myself when I listen to doubt,
Why did I not forget about why,
When I should just trust and say why not?
My heart and intuition are always true to me.

clairvoyance, time and "her"

For about 8 years or so now I have heard much about my “true love” from many others. There has been tons of psychics, “readers,” shamans, witches, intuitives, and just friends and people who are “open” to all of that. All of them, solicited or not, have told me about “her.” They have all said the same things. Before I continue, I would like to ask, why would anyone want to know the future? Some of you will ask why? Why would I want to know? Why would I want to have preconceived notions? Some will say, “que sara, sara.” Which is actually true, but would it not be better to have an active part in it? I think so! Some of you are probably saying, you can not tell the future, it is impossible, it is not determined yet and/or, the future is made by our choices and/or all of that clairvoyance stuff is not real. First of all, it is real, very real, but the future is made by our choices. If a “reader” (to include all of those people mentioned before into one word, if I may) does a “reading” (in whatever form) the person who the “reading” is being done for has choices. One choice is to just complementally disbelieve it. In that case, a few different things can happen. One is that they just forget about it, “laugh it off,” therefore, by their forgetting and not wanting and not holding on, they allow for it to happen. However, they could “act out” and say the reader is a phony or something and basically hold some distain for the reader and thus go out of their way to change it. In that case, there is most often a fear. In all of life, there are only 2 core, 2 original, 2 basic emotions: love and fear. All others stem, are sewn, reap from these. If a person is experiencing negativities or acting in a non-positive manner, for example, harboring distain, they are acting from their fear. They can also go out of their way to change it without any distain, but with their own foolish, or not, pride. In some cases, they hear some information that they just do not want to happen, the lose of a boyfriend, or something, and therefore do everything they can to hang on. Eventually, as we all know what happens when holding on to closely to someone, they will lose them anyway. Perhaps, the message was for them to work harder so they would not lose them, reverse psychology. The person will possibly hold onto the distain for the “reader” but they will have accomplished a higher goal. Kind of like a kick in the butt to get them going. If the person totally accepts the “reading,” many things can happen. If they hold on too tight, they will lose it or alter it in some way or delay it. If they are accepting, but let it go and allow for it, then it can come true, or not, depending. Sometimes, just by doing the “reading,” it can change it. A person’s choices always effect it. They can make “poor” or “wrong” choices and suffer negative consequences, which may have been the prediction anyway. They may make all of the “right” choices and still change it dramatically by growing or moving to a higher level, therefore gaining something “better.” That can be disappointing at times, because maybe the person really liked what the “old” future held for them. Letting go is tough, especially when a person has been stuck in a bardo to begin with and they desire more than anything to have that future. Not doing anything, right or wrong can alter it. A person needs to do their part and make choices. Choosing not to make a choice is still making a choice. Any choices can alter it in some way. Therefore, clairvoyance is not an exact science, but a fine art. Any good “reader” will tell a person "read" that they have choices and that all of this can change. Often times, a “reader” can see different futures for the same person and not just one. Not hard for anyone to see at times. For example, you stop drinking, this will happen, you do not and that will happen. Simple really, but the drunk can not see it. In that case, the “reading” takes on a different purpose, yet, the purpose is the same, so that that person can see other opportunities, to see outside of themselves and their inner worlds and to become more aware. Often times, a “reader” is not telling the person “read” anything new that they did not know already. Then what? Well, do something about it or allow the consequences, “good“ or “bad.”

God has a Plan in all of this. There is in fact Free Will, and God allows us to make our own choices, yet, we are Guided and sometimes not given any options. It was God’s plan to have the “reader” and the person “read” come together. There is a Purpose for the “reading.” It can be to help that person achieve it, or to achieve something else, or just to make a choice and become more “aware.” In any case, it all happens for a reason. If it is meant to be, if it is “supposed” to happen, it will, regardless! That is the Plan. I do not presume to know God’s Plan, not entirely, but I want to know. Oh, do not think me foolish of arrogant. God’s wants us to know!!! But, if we ask, then we need to be prepared for the answer. You want the truth, then accept the truth, no matter how painful.So, back to my situation. I have allowed and it has changed. I have held on and it has been delayed. I have grown and redefined myself, yet, the concept of “her” remains a constant.

So, when? Time is a tough concept. It is man made and can not be translated accurately and consistently with “readings.” If a “reader” says they can, be careful of them. They might get lucky and fool you and themselves, but even the best have no true idea of exactly the time. “Does any one really know what time it is?” But time can be a problem for me. At times, I feel like I have done all that I was supposed to do, and yet, nothing. I have felt like I have worked and worked and worked very hard, and yet, nothing. Rewards can be an issue. If a person is caught up in rewards and punishment, they will die with it, just as with the sword. If a person truly wants to serve God and their higher self, they will do and do and work and work and love and love and know that the same is being returned to them but to know that they must be selfless in order to “see” those “rewards.” The best idea I have found, forget about rewards and punishment and just “do.” We reward and punish ourselves if we allow for it. That can be good or bad, but God is the Ultimate Provider and only through God can anyone achieve anything that is of their higher purpose. It is all in the Plan. Again, I do not profess to know all about the Plan, but I want to know. Why can I not? It does not translate to arrogant, but a thirst for knowledge and growth. However, if one asks, then one must accept the answers. Same with a “reading.” I was told by nearly all, that without "her" my life would not grow as I want it to grow. I want it all, and I can have it, but not without “her.” My success will be limited. First thing that some of you might be saying is “BS, Tim!” “You can do anything and do it on your own.” True, but that is others and not me. I can do many things, but with the aid of another, with “her” energy combined with mine, we can do great things! This is just the way my life is now. This is just the lesson I am learning in this life time. To be open to sharing and playing as a team and not only as myself. That was another life time ago. I learned that already. NOW,… now it is time for me to learn that we are not separate from each other, but all pieces or parts of one Whole. At times, I am upset with growing because it changes things and therefore causes delays. I am so extremely tired of being alone and not having “her.” I have a few good friends now, and that is much better than this time last year and 100 times better than 2 years ago. I have been able to redefine myself and to redefine my Path and to make some steps in that direction. Yet, I have reached limitations. Limitations that can not be overcome without “her.” I can only go so far up that mountain without “her.” People give advise about this. They say, “go out and make your future. Make it all happen. Visualize your future. Use positive affirmations, use positive thoughts. Destroy negative in your live. Remove your doubts and fears.” Very good advise! Even if it I do not get too far, it is much better to feel happy than mad all the time. Oh yes, I know both. I know being mad all day and all night far too well. But some of those same people say, “when it comes to “her,” let it go and allow love to find you. It always find us when we are not looking.” Okay, so which one is it then? It can not be both! Mainly because the 2 are the same. “Her” and my life path and my career are part of the same team. “I” can not win without the team or with just parts of it.

So, where is “she?” Either I am not ready, or she is not ready, or both. Maybe we both are ready, but when a person is searching for Enlightenment, searching for their higher self, and working as a team, it is not just about them, but about ALL.

So, the time is not “right,” yet.To set here and write this without getting frustrated and/or angry is a major accomplishment for me. Yeah me! Go team!

Another year is over now!

Thank God!!! 6 Thanksgivings‘, Christmas’, New Years‘, and Valentines Days’ alone and are now gone. Now that it is over, I can just relax and not have to think about it. This year there was not nearly as much pain and angry and resentment, but a little. Easter will be here soon, but I see this as New Years. The beginning of Spring, the beginning of life after dormant winter. Will this year bring me someone, a friend, a lover, a wife? Doubt it, but I am optimistic. I have been told that people like me are on a “higher plane” and that it is just more difficult because there are less options. So put in the fact that I am over 40 and I do not drink and live with my parents, well, it is nearly impossible. Sometimes, I would like to just be the old me and get laid. Oh, do not think I have not tried, but somehow divine intervention keeps me from doing this. I really do not want a shallow, empty, physically unsatisfying relationship anyway. Yet, I do not see any reason why I can not have a good one now. What is the reason why? Only God knows and God is not sharing that with me right now. It kind of makes me grumpy when I think about it, but that does no good either. Being mad or happy does not change it, but being content and trying to be happy makes it easier to deal with daily.

Takes a lot of energy

No Longer is Home

Once removed from this place,
A place I liked, but never loved,
A chance to see the Ocean.
Alone in the California vineyards,
Not my place, not my home.
No goal nor drive, just being alive.
The card said "Home is where Mother is"
Then back I went.
Now, once again removed from this place,
A place I've liked, but never loved,
A chance for Fortune and Love.
Not my place, not my home,
But with goal, drive, direction, purpose.
And though it's been but one full Moon,
It feels if I belong, welcomed,
More than this place that no longer is home.
It had been short past twenty years,
Much longer than any before,
Yet, I wonder, did I ever belong?
Did it ever feel like home?
Here, now, I look to that past
Too many times did it feel
A need to go but nowhere to stay.
Now, as I prepare to return, to leave this place,
A place I've liked, but never loved,
I'm anxious, excited, entertained
By the thoughts of my return.
Or perhaps just to leave this place
Knowing I've somewhere else to stay.
For what is it there for me?
No one awaits, just an empty apartment
And no feeling of home!
There's just Promise and Hope.
A chance to ease my mind,
To leave the grey and heavy clouds
That obscure my eyes and fog my mind.
What security I leave and material safety!
All for Promise and Hope?
And though it's been but one full Moon,
There is nothing tangible for me there!
Ah, but I can see clear and breath clear
And think clear and feel clear and be me and free.
So, I leave this place of twenty and so years
A place I liked, but never loved.
For what choice do I have but to be clear, me, and free

This poem was written shortly after I moved to Laramie to finish college. I was driving back to Cheyenne and as I got closer and closer, the less I felt like being here. After I got to the exsit, I knew for sure; this place was not home and had never been. Cheyenne has never felt like "home" to me, yet I have lived here close to 30 years and it appears i will be here for another 30 or more. I lived in Laramie for 2 years and I felt at ease and welcome. I lived in Boulder, Col. for 9 months and felt comfortable and like I belonged. Yet, to call any of them home? Perhaps, I do not know how home feels.

Acrylics , 1982. This painting was my best moment in college, I think anyway. She has hung on my walls in nearly every place I have lived since then. I used to have a very nice, very expensive frame on it, but when I moved back from Laramie, this painting blew out of the back of the truck and the frame was reduced to splinters. Just to add a little salt, a highway patrolman was behind us and ticketed me. The painting took a few scratches and there is a small hole in it, but it could have been worse.
 

“Everybody Wants to See Heaven, Nobody Wants to Die”

Everybody wants to make it, nobody wants to try.
Everybody wants to see Heaven, nobody wants to die.

People want to live forever, but they don’t want to shed no skin;
Not enough faith to see hereafter, their so afraid their life’s will end.

Everybody wants to make it, nobody wants to try.
Everybody wants to see Heaven, nobody wants to die.

Why do people look to the dark side? Oh, my God! I wish I knew why;
If they’d only look to the bright side, there would be less reason to cry.

Man made seconds,
Man made minutes,
Man made hours, days, months and years.
Man believes there’s a hereafter, but running out of time he fears.

Everybody wants to make it, nobody wants to try.
Everybody wants to see Heaven, nobody wants to die.

Why are people so near sited, can’t they see that’s the nose on their face;
Have some faith in the Great Creator, for everythin’ there’s a time and place.

Everybody wants to make it, nobody wants to try.
Everybody wants to see Heaven, nobody wants to die.

There once was a great man they say and he was a greater man than I;
The way to conquer death, He just said, “You must learn how to die.”

Everybody wants to make it, nobody wants to try.
Everybody wants to see Heaven, nobody wants to die.
Everybody wants to make it, nobody wants to try.
Everybody wants to see Heaven, nobody wants to die.

Black Oak Arkansas, 1975

There is a whole ton of stuff I could comment about this song. But for now, just a few and you the reader can make your own comments. The concept of time has always fasinated me. Time travel, time warps, time machines, time out of mind. We used to have saying at the gym I worked at: "If it was easy, then everybody would look like Arnold." People seem to always want the easy way and I am no different at times. Yet, I know better. Do you know how to die? I sure do. For those of you who do not know, Black Oak Arkansas was a souther rock band from the 1970's. They were not hugely popular and they had a very distinct rock/blues/bluegrass sound.

Super Bowl half time show

On the MSN home page I saw a lead for an article about people complaining about a “boring” Super Bowl half time show. All I have to say is THANK GOD!!! they finally had some REAL music!! I loved it! While I was watching, I was again reminded of a thought I always have when the performer stops singing and allows the audience to sing. To me, this is the ultimate compliment, the most positive affirmation that a musician can ever get as a tribute to their success and that they have writen quality music, to have a large crowd of people sing a song they wrote. But to be at the Super Bowl, with a very large diversity for an audience and to have them know your lyrics? Can it get any better than that? If it was me, I would say it is time to die because it can not get any better than that. Do you think Janet Jackson can say that? Do you think in 30 years people will be singing the lyrics to a Justin Timber lake song at half time during the Super Bowl? I think NOT! Okay, sure, it is not a tough lyric to recall.

Thank you Janet Jackson for giving me a reason to watch the Super Bowl half time again.

PENCIL, 1982. This is an drawing enlargement of a mushroom that I did in college. The assignment was to take a very small object and draw it very larged and detailed. In the 70's I used to do a lot of, I mean, I used to draw a lot of mushrooms. They were very popular back then and seem to be now. When I was working in the hospital a few years ago, the teens told me it is forbidden by the school system for them to draw mushrooms. Interesting.  

more dreams....

This morning as I lie in bed coughing and wheezing, feeling like I was breathing fiberglass, I recalled a dream I had a few years ago. This dream was very vivid, and very hard to tell from reality for me, well, until I woke up anyway. I was a reporter interviewing a famous punk rock band. (Not sure who, maybe Green Day although we could debate if they are a "real" punk rock band these days. {actaully, one of the guys was my green Mohawk friend from Quark, who I had not met yet at the time of this dream} No, I have never wanted to be reporter!) I picked up a guitar and started playing and they asked me to join them. (just like with my freinds band a year or so after this dream.) WOW! CCCCOOOLLLLLL!!! YYYEEESSS!!!! So we are jamming’ and it feels ssssoooo gggoooddd when some groupies show up. (Keep in mind now that I had not had any luck with the ladies in about 3 years and counting. ) 2 very sexy and young and tasty and very willing girls were all over me. Now this is the type of dream I’m taking about!!! YYYEEESSS!!! I am about to be rich and famous and getting all the sex I want and most of all, doing what I love: playing music!!! Oh, yeah, I can do this! I can avoid the drugs and drinking and be smart with my money and … Then, this little alarm went off in the back of my mind telling that it was not right. These girls were too young (possible jailbait) and I want love, not just sex. So, I politely left and went outside. I told myself that I could use this chance to find a real love, someone incredible and then TRULY HAVE IT ALL!!!! I even had a clear visualiztion of her body, her facial features, her perosnality and she was rock star too!! Well, one of the other groupies followed me. She reminded me so much of a girl that I dated just after I got out of high school. It lasted on and off for 4 years and was the relationship from Hell, but hey, I learned a lot. So, I am thinking now that this dream is not so cool, but then I realize she only reminds me of her and so, well, I will be nice to her, but tell her no on sex or anything else. She is just not what I am looking for in a wife. So, we begin kissing and she is very aggressive (just the way I like it, well, usually, okay, I like it pretty much anyway, but…) I knew better, but I did not say no, just like when I was kid. She is doing all of the work and I am just letting it happen! Next thing I know, I am penetrating her and … I still felt it was wrong, so why? Why was I doing it? I began to stop and get off of her when a group of guys and women surround us. They are Quakers, and it turns out this girl is one their husbands!! Immediately, my thoughts go to God and ask for forgiveness and I am asking myself and God why and then, guilt consumes me. (No, I am not Catholic or formerly) Turns out they are not just Quakers, but militant Quakers who quest is to seduce and capture evil rock bands who exploit women for sex. One of them called out “Evil sinners!” How was I exploiting her? I was not and I could tell by the look on her face and could hear her thoughts that she actually liked me and wanted out of her job and marriage. They took my band mates in shackles to a judge’s chambers were they would await their trail and consequences from GOD!!!! So, buy by this time I am freaking out because I am not a bad person!!! I am on their side!!! No, I am on God’s Side! (But am I winning?) “I am not an evil sinner! God will not judge me as such,” I tell them. Several of them began to get closer and closer and explaining their narrow point of view. But, I took off running and hid. It was too late for my new friends, they were already in Hell! (The ground opened up and a big black abyss swallowed them) That girl followed me and found me. I told her that I am not as she and her partners think. She said she believed me and asked me to take her with me. I did not say yes, but I did not say no either. I turned around and began to find my way through a dark building, with her behind me. I escaped them and stopped to rest and began to talk with God. God Appeared before me. I begged and pleaded and told God that I was not evil nor a sinner. God Comforted me by agreeing with me. I asked why? Why had I acted so foolishly and God said, “You did not act foolishly, you just had a weak moment.” I asked for forgiveness and God said, “There is nothing to forgive. Maybe you should forgive yourself.” I apologized to the girl who was now totally freaked out for actually being in the presences of God. She said nothing as God took her away. After they left, I let out my shame and guilt and panic and… woke up.

I think I will write a short story, a horror one, about this. Today, I think God was telling me to not be so hard on myself and that maybe it is best to have God save me from myself, although I feel I am a big boy now and can do some of this on my own (or so I think).

Freud would have lots of fun with this one. I prefer Carl Jung‘s ideas on dream analogies.

more dreams....

This morning as I lie in bed coughing and wheezing, feeling like I was breathing fiberglass, I recalled a dream I had a few years ago. This dream was very vivid, and very hard to tell from reality for me, well, until I woke up anyway. I was a reporter interviewing a famous punk rock band. (Not sure who, maybe Green Day although we could debate if they are "real" punk rock these days. I think one of the guys was my green mohawk friend from Quark who actaully did ask me to join in his band. {wonder if i am still a memeber?} No, I have never wanted to be reporter!) I picked up a guitar and started playing and they asked me to join them. (Just like in the band here) WOW! So we are jamming’ and feels sooooo ggggoooodddd!!!!! when some groupies show up. (Keep in mind now that I had not had any luck with the ladies in about 3 years and counting. ) 2 very sexy and young and tasty and very willing girls are all over me. Now this is the type of dream I’m taking about!!! COOLLL!!! YYYYEEEESSSS!!!!! I am about to be rich and famous and getting all the sex I want and most of all, doing what I love: playing music!!! Oh, yeah, I can do this! I can avoid the drugs and drinking and be smart with my money and … Then, this little alarm went off in the back of my mind telling me that it was not right. These girls were too young (maybe even jailbait) and I want love, not just sex. So, I politely left and went outside. I told myself that I could use this chance to find a real love, someone incredible and then TRULY HAVE IT ALL!!!! Well, one of the other groupies followed me. She reminded me so much of a girl that I dated just after I got out of high school. It lasted on and off for 4 years and was the relationship from Hell, but hey, I learned a lot. So, I am thinking that now this dream is not so cool, but then I realize she only reminds me of her and so, well, I will be nice to her, but tell her no on sex or anything else. She is just not what I am looking for in a wife. So, we begin kissing and she is very aggressive (just the way I like it, well, usually, okay, I like it pretty much anyway, but…) I knew better, but I did not say no, just like when I was kid. She is doing all of the work and I am just letting it happen! Next thing I know, I am penetrating her and … I still felt it was wrong, so why? Why was I doing it? I began to stop and get off of her when a group of guys and women surround us. They are Quakers (all dressed in black), and it turns out this girl is one their husbands!! Immediately, my thoughts go to God and ask for forgiveness and I am asking myself and God why and then, guilt consumes me. (No, I am not Catholic or formerly) Turns out they are not just Quakers, but militant Quakers who quest is to seduce and capture evil rock bands who exploit women for sex. One of them called out “Evil sinners!” How was I exploiting her? I was not and I could tell by the look on her face and could hear her thoughts that she actually liked me and wanted out of her job and marriage. They took my band mates in shackles to a judge’s chambers were they would await their trail and consequences from GOD!!!! So, buy by this time I am freaking out because I am not a bad person!!! I am on their side!!! No, I am on God’s Side! (But am I winning?) “I am not an evil sinner and God will not judge me as such,” I tell them. Several of them began to get closer and closer and explaining their narrow point of view. But, I took off running and hid. It was too late for my new friends, they were already in Hell! (The ground opened up and a big black abyss swallowed them) That girl followed me and found me. I told her that I am not as she and her partners think. She said she believed me and asked me to take her with me. I did not say yes, but I did not say no either. I turned around and began to find my way through a dark building, with her behind me. I escaped them and stopped to rest and talk to God. I begged and pleaded and told God that I was not evil nor a sinner. God Comforted me by agreeing with me. I asked why? Why had I acted so foolishly and God said, “You did not act foolishly, you just had a weak moment.” I asked for forgiveness and God said, “There is nothing to forgive. Maybe you should forgive yourself.” I apologized to the girl who was totally freaked out for actually being in the presences of God. She said nothing as God took her away. After they left, I let out my shame and guilt and panic and… woke up.

I think I will write a short story, a horror one, about this. Today, I think God was telling me to not be so hard on myself and that maybe it is best to have God save me from myself, although I feel I am a big boy now and can do some of this on my own (or so I think).

Freud would have lots of fun with this one. I prefer Carl Jung‘s ideas on dream analogies.

more on February

There is another reason for me to dislike February: the death of Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bobber. I love Buddy Holly! My father has/had all of his 45’s (they are mine now, thank you very much!) He was a good guy and an innovator in rock n’ roll music. My father had tickets to the show that they were on their way to in Iowa that day of the plane crash. Oh, yeah, and NO MORE FOOTBALL! This year the damned NHL is making it worse! Come on guys, shut up and play already!!!!!

Maybe I should stop whining about this month and try to find positives in it for myself. Okay, umm... well.. uh.. Oh, it is only 28 or 29 days long. I usually get my income tax returns, and here in my part of the World, it is kind of an end to winter. Although we get lots of heavy snow fall in March, April, and May, it is the happy snow: very wet and great for moisture and snow balls and snow people. And not so cold. My good friend’s birthday is in this month.

more stinkin' Valentines...

How very interesting to me that I forgot one of my number one reasons to dislike Saint Valentines Day. In 1990, I attended my best friend’s (Shanon's) funeral. Why her mother decided to have the funeral on that day, I do not know. She died on the 8th and had them wait until the 14th. My last “real/official” "date" was on this day, 1996. Dinner and a movie and yes, flowers for her. No, I did not get any. I saw her a few months ago. She is married with 2 children and looks much better than she did back then.

whatever

stinking Valentines

Saint Valentines Day has been a thorn in my side for many years now. Just yesterday, I walked into a grocery store to find bouquets of roses lined up with red heart shaped cards and red ribbons and.. you get the picture. My immediate response was a quick, deep feeling of anger and resentment. In the past, I would have went with that feeling and wanted to kick the table over. This time, I just let it go. In my opinion, a person should love, honor and respect there sweetie 24/7, 365, not just one day a year. Sure, it is a nice thought and a good time for something extra. (back in my drinking days, we would have called it another reason to get drunk) Yet, it seems to me like a ploy by the greeting card industry to make extra money. Millions of roses and other flowers lose their lives on this day. I love flowers, especially roses. I love to give flowers because I love them and appreciate them and… well… it works, okay? What a nice treat it would be to have a woman give me flowers (once, people, only once in my 45 years and she got them out of the dumpster at a grocery store and gave a bunch to other people as well and she was not my girlfriend or anything close to it). But it is more special when given at random then on some preplanned day of the year. And yes, I love chocolate! The best part about this day is like the other holidays, mark down bags of candy the day after at all the stores. When a person does not have a sweetie, this time of year can really suck. All of the constant reminders that you have no one, everywhere, is enough to make a person either cry or go postal. On TV, on the radio, every store, it is unavoidable!!! When a person is already hurting and resentful, is it any wonder they become jaded? My first date with my ex-wife was on St. Valentines Day. We went to the most expensive restaurant in town. I gave her a silver necklace with a heart pendant (real silver, spent lots of money I did not have then). She never wore it. She ordered prime rib, well done and put tons of ketchup on it. I should have ran, screaming! I waited 7 years to do that, but anyway… When I lived in Laramie and the love of my life had just dumped me and I was broke, unemployed and friendless, I heard of a bar that had an “Anti-Valentines Day” night. Oh boy, did I want to go, but it would have been my luck to set around stewing with a bunch of angry dateless guys who were drunk and stupid and complaining about life. I did not need any more of that( especially sober). After that, I began to hate this stinking day. Each ad I would hear on the radio I would yell absentees and change the challenge. If I saw it on TV, I would produce a certain finger gesture. Last year, at my computer software job, they had a "St. Valentines Day" card contest. We had to make our own cards using their publishing software (Quark, if you are wondering). Me and this other angry punk rock-green Mohawk wearing - just divorced guy made an “I hate St. Valentines Day” card. We put cupid with an arrow throw his head, bullet holes in his chest, Alice Cooper make-up around his eyes and blood everywhere. We won second place! So, this year I am not angry and resentful. If I had a girlfriend or wife, I would do something nice for her just like I always have in the past. After I saw those flowers and with some other ads since then, I have just let it go.

I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up after February is over.

A new version of "footprints"

A good friend sent this to me in an e-mail.

"FOOTPRINTS...A New Version

Imagine you and the Lord Jesus are walking down the road together. For much of the way, the Lord's footprints go along steadily, consistently, rarely varying the pace. But your footprints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures, and returns. For much of the way, it seems to go like this, but gradually your footprints come more in line with the Lord's, soon paralleling His consistently. You and Jesus are walking as true friends! This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens: Your footprints that once etched the sand next to Jesus' are now walking precisely in His steps. Inside His larger footprints are your smaller ones, you and Jesus are becoming one. This goes on for many miles, but gradually you notice another change. The footprints inside the large footprints seem to grow larger. Eventually they disappear altogether. There is only one set of footprints, they have become one. This goes on for a long time, but suddenly the second set of footprints is back. This time it seems even worse! Zigzags all over the place. Stops. Starts. Gashes in the sand. A variable mess of prints. You are amazed and shocked. Your dream ends. Now you pray: "Lord, I understand the first scene, with zigzags and fits. I was a new Christian; I was just learning. But You walked on through the storm and helped me learn to walk with You."
"That is correct."
"And when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually learning to walk in Your steps, following You very closely."
"Very good.. You have understood everything so far.
"When the smaller footprints grew and filled in Yours, I suppose that I was becoming like You in every way."
"Precisely."
"So, Lord, was there a regression or something? The footprints separated, and this time it was worse than at first."
There is a pause as the Lord answers, with a smile in His voice. "You didn't know? It was then that we danced!"

horoscope

Found this horoscope for Virgos (which is me) that has some interesting suggestions. Most of it actually seems to fit me, which is kind of rare for me from a general statement. Some of it is wishful thinking on my part.

"How strange and unsettling is the call for freedom. Feel it rippling in your heart. Feel it calling you to explore the experience you've been craving for. This is, at its essence, the theme of your life: the quest to be freed from structure enough to actually do, feel and see the worlds you had not dared to touch in the past, or that you were not allowed to. Now is very likely the time. Your relationships are poised to become as creative, passionate and chaotic as your work life has been, and your work is about to narrow to a point of what could reasonably be called success. All of it speaks to escaping the established patterns of your life fast and all at once, then doing it again, and again. It's amazing how good you can feel once you've survived the bottom falling out, once you've decided that judging others harshly is pointless, and once you know that other people are not really the ones inspiring you: that the source of curiosity and the yearning for release is all your own. Decisions must, as you're learning quickly, have a basis. Choice is guided by a much deeper reference set that has little to do with supposed outcomes; rather, the impetus to be whole/holy is the beacon. Several times in these four seasons, you'll be able to stop completely and know you can move in any direction whatsoever; each will be followed by a cascade of changes. Make a decision and trust it. You may fear that this process won't be easy for partners, but I assure you they can keep pace. Trust, as well, that your most powerful meetings will happen on a schedule of cosmic convenience. They will happen, and powerful is an understatement."

colored pencil on black charcoal paper, 2005. The flash changed this drawing making it much lighter and brighter than in "real" life, but also more colorful. It looks less like a midnight meditation this way than I intended. 

February

Life is about perspectives and the way it is viewed. As OB1 said to Luke Skywalker, “The truths that a Jedi clings to are from a certain point of view.” For one person, this month is a major point in their life. A time of refection and time to mark growth and their birthday, a new year, new beginings. My parents wedding anniversary is this month, 7th, 46 years. In a way, this is a time of re-birth for me as well. Although, in the past, this month has been anything but enjoyable for me. In the past 5 years, as you who have read my other bogs know, I have been alone and growing and healing. At times, I have been very angry, resentful and extremely depressed. From my point of view then, maybe not so much now, I hated this month. Take a look back at one of my bogs and read “SHANON: SNAPSHOTS OF A FRIENDSHIP” Real quickly, my best friend died, February 8th, 1990. It changed my life completely. Some days, I miss her so very much. Anyway, in the past, this time of the year has been one that I wish would just go away. I can just feel the anxiety and depression creeping over me like a dark cloud, removing the Sunlight and raining on my day. Even though I was completely aware of this and why, I could not stop those emotions. I would get into a funk and remain there until late March, early April. Something as simple as a different point of view alluded me. For me, April or the beginning of spring is a time of reflection and the New Year. It is a time of new beginnings and leaving behind the old. If I look at February in a different way, I could see it as my month of rebirth as well. This year, the depression has not hit me nor has it crept up on me. It does not honor her memory for me to be so solemn and dark. She does not want me to be unhappy at this time, but to remember the good times. So far, I am doing okay. 6 days from now… just have to see.

dreams and true love

A dream this morning reminded me of something else about love and sex from my previous relationships. ALL of my previous relationships (save one) has been the same in one way: I did not feel that they were the “one.” We all know this concept, that a person has that deep intuitive feeling, that intense knowing, that passion in our hearts that tells us we will marry this person and love them for eternity. When I was with all of these other women, there was love, yes, but in the farthest depths of my mind, in the base of my heart, I knew it was not true love. Although I had heard this many times from the others, I had no idea how it even felt, only that I was not feeling it. It was very unfair to them, very. Some feelings were indeed hurt and hurt deeply. Eventually, we would both come to realize that I was not in love with them in that manner and thus, it would end. The one time I felt that way, with the last person I was with, it felt so comfortable and so right, yet, I knew that I could not become complacent. She told me she felt the same and for the first time in my live, I was not depressed or worried about life, but living it, gracefully. What happened, then? I do not know, you would have to ask her. 18 months latter I was alone again and in very bad shape; indeed the worst ever. I did not want to stop or leave, but now that I look back, I can see that it was far from perfect and there was much room for improvement and things better. Before her, I did not completely understand the concept of the “one” and now, I can say I know how it feels. Believe me folks, once you have that, there is NO substitutes and no going back. The dream has reminded me that I do not want to be put in that position again of being in a relationship that I do not love her completely. I think that Karma will have a little something to say about it if I do and I have been working hard to create positive Karma for myself. Maybe I am missing something or maybe I am just not like some of you others, but there will have to be this kind of love for me to commit to another. To me, sex is a commitment. Perhaps it is possible that I could meet someone who knows this like I do and perhaps we will both know and understand that if we make love it will not be to from some long term relationship. Maybe I need that to heal and grow, but then where is the love? Perhaps I just need to wait for that true love.

The waiting is tough, very tough at times.