more dreams....

This morning as I lie in bed coughing and wheezing, feeling like I was breathing fiberglass, I recalled a dream I had a few years ago. This dream was very vivid, and very hard to tell from reality for me, well, until I woke up anyway. I was a reporter interviewing a famous punk rock band. (Not sure who, maybe Green Day although we could debate if they are a "real" punk rock band these days. {actaully, one of the guys was my green Mohawk friend from Quark, who I had not met yet at the time of this dream} No, I have never wanted to be reporter!) I picked up a guitar and started playing and they asked me to join them. (just like with my freinds band a year or so after this dream.) WOW! CCCCOOOLLLLLL!!! YYYEEESSS!!!! So we are jamming’ and it feels ssssoooo gggoooddd when some groupies show up. (Keep in mind now that I had not had any luck with the ladies in about 3 years and counting. ) 2 very sexy and young and tasty and very willing girls were all over me. Now this is the type of dream I’m taking about!!! YYYEEESSS!!! I am about to be rich and famous and getting all the sex I want and most of all, doing what I love: playing music!!! Oh, yeah, I can do this! I can avoid the drugs and drinking and be smart with my money and … Then, this little alarm went off in the back of my mind telling that it was not right. These girls were too young (possible jailbait) and I want love, not just sex. So, I politely left and went outside. I told myself that I could use this chance to find a real love, someone incredible and then TRULY HAVE IT ALL!!!! I even had a clear visualiztion of her body, her facial features, her perosnality and she was rock star too!! Well, one of the other groupies followed me. She reminded me so much of a girl that I dated just after I got out of high school. It lasted on and off for 4 years and was the relationship from Hell, but hey, I learned a lot. So, I am thinking now that this dream is not so cool, but then I realize she only reminds me of her and so, well, I will be nice to her, but tell her no on sex or anything else. She is just not what I am looking for in a wife. So, we begin kissing and she is very aggressive (just the way I like it, well, usually, okay, I like it pretty much anyway, but…) I knew better, but I did not say no, just like when I was kid. She is doing all of the work and I am just letting it happen! Next thing I know, I am penetrating her and … I still felt it was wrong, so why? Why was I doing it? I began to stop and get off of her when a group of guys and women surround us. They are Quakers, and it turns out this girl is one their husbands!! Immediately, my thoughts go to God and ask for forgiveness and I am asking myself and God why and then, guilt consumes me. (No, I am not Catholic or formerly) Turns out they are not just Quakers, but militant Quakers who quest is to seduce and capture evil rock bands who exploit women for sex. One of them called out “Evil sinners!” How was I exploiting her? I was not and I could tell by the look on her face and could hear her thoughts that she actually liked me and wanted out of her job and marriage. They took my band mates in shackles to a judge’s chambers were they would await their trail and consequences from GOD!!!! So, buy by this time I am freaking out because I am not a bad person!!! I am on their side!!! No, I am on God’s Side! (But am I winning?) “I am not an evil sinner! God will not judge me as such,” I tell them. Several of them began to get closer and closer and explaining their narrow point of view. But, I took off running and hid. It was too late for my new friends, they were already in Hell! (The ground opened up and a big black abyss swallowed them) That girl followed me and found me. I told her that I am not as she and her partners think. She said she believed me and asked me to take her with me. I did not say yes, but I did not say no either. I turned around and began to find my way through a dark building, with her behind me. I escaped them and stopped to rest and began to talk with God. God Appeared before me. I begged and pleaded and told God that I was not evil nor a sinner. God Comforted me by agreeing with me. I asked why? Why had I acted so foolishly and God said, “You did not act foolishly, you just had a weak moment.” I asked for forgiveness and God said, “There is nothing to forgive. Maybe you should forgive yourself.” I apologized to the girl who was now totally freaked out for actually being in the presences of God. She said nothing as God took her away. After they left, I let out my shame and guilt and panic and… woke up.

I think I will write a short story, a horror one, about this. Today, I think God was telling me to not be so hard on myself and that maybe it is best to have God save me from myself, although I feel I am a big boy now and can do some of this on my own (or so I think).

Freud would have lots of fun with this one. I prefer Carl Jung‘s ideas on dream analogies.