confusion and enlightenment

At times, I am very confused about what to do. Many people in my life right now are telling me to go out and get what I need. Well, I need love, and yes, money, but that is more about a career. With love, some of those same people say let it go, forget about it and “she” will come. “Love always finds us when we are not looking.” See, very confusing. Either a person goes out and finds it or “forgets” about it. Live your life without love for 5 years plus and see if you can just “forget” about it. Not easy, but do-able. If it is staring us in the face, what then? It seems that if I hold on tightly and dream and visualize, it slips away. All of the women in my life lately (the past 5 years) have been unavailable for some reason or another. Too young, married, deep issues, not at my spiritual level, un-welling, or whatever. I can accept that I am on a higher plane and that my options are limited. Also, I seek love and romance and friendship and growth and healing and close intimacy with the hot sex. Very hard to find! There seems to be several woman now in my life that I could hook up with, but I just do not know what to do. Should I look into it, see if they will fit, or just pretend like I am “forgetting” and let them come to me. A person has to do their part in this. Doing nothing is doing something. In fact, sometimes, doing nothing is very hard. There is a woman that I was introduced to about a week ago who is oh so very sexy and WOW! what a great body and a great smile and pretty light brown, big eyes. She seems like a nice person and that she has a good heart, but I do not know her, yet. Those aspects are far more important to me. Her aura screams sensuality, her energy says a kind heart, but my heart and the voices in my head tell me to be patient and allow her to come to me. She is in my thoughts often this past week, but I try not to hold on or draw her near me. I just enjoy the view and let her go. If I hold on or fantasize or visualize or wish or want or desire, she will be gone! This has happen more and more in the past 5 years. However, I want a wife, not some sex buddy, or even just a girlfriend. I do not want to date around or have a relationship that will be short term with intense sex. This is not what I have asked God and the Universe for, this is not what I pray for, but I am very lonely at times, and weak and just want to touch someone. So, I have no choice but to look around. It is frustrating at times because I am a good person, no!, I am a very good person and I see lots of people who are not even close to where I am and they have all of the sex they want. But, is it true love? Probably not, but at times, the World seems backward to me. Many of them are making mistakes, or just trying to learn or grow or some are just stuck in their issues. Yet, I do not get to make that choice. When it comes to most of my life, well, ALL of the big parts of it, I have limited choices. Sure, we make our own life’s and yadda, yadda, yadda. Does not work for me and if you will read my blog, “Clairvoyance, time, and her” you will get the picture. For my career, I would rather be a DJ at a radio station (even own it) or a huge money making writer or artist or a rock star. God will not allow it. Why? Because I gave my life to do God's work in this life time. My desires conflict with my "chosen" path. God asks of me to help others. Even when trying to follow this path, it is not my choice. Yes, music is still in my life, as is writing and art. There are ways to have this and help others, but is that what God asks? I wanted to have a PhD and be a counsel/therapist and own my own clinic that offered holistic healing as well. Many early “readings” told me this was my path. I worked damn hard for this, but was “Asked” to go do something else. After 4 years of frustration and rejection, I am a little confused at times, wondering how this system works. Now, I am doing that something else, but it is one very tinny baby step and then stand still for a long time until I can take the next step. At times, I am wondering if this is even what I should be doing or even if this is what I am being asked to do. In all of this time, I have racked-up some big debt. Again, everyone is telling me to visualize and push and push but it just has not worked so far and has only served to push those things away from me, not bring them to me, especially women. If I let it go, then that is even harder work. Imagine if you will, just standing and allowing. All around you is life going on, people in love, people earning money, people learning and growing, and you right in the eye of the storm, doing nothing but observing. Loneliness, desires, longing, fear, pain, a deep knowing, calm, all run though your spirit, your mind, your heart and soul like a ragging river! You know what you want. You have asked. You have visualized, now you are alone in the dark and waiting for it to come. It gets closer and closer, at times, you want it more and more, if you start to grab for it, it pulls away. You start to visualize it and it fads away. You start to close down and become resentful. Then, you know better, so you open your mind to it and have happy thoughts about it. Then, it changes and you have to start all over again. In this bardo, you get learn all about yourself. Many things that are not pretty or happy, but they are you. You get to redefine yourself and to remove any shortcomings, if you choice to, anyway. Okay, so if and when my opportunities, come, I will grab them without any hesitation, when they are within my reach. Lately, it has only been bread crumbs to a starving person. I get frustrated and depressed and discouraged. With women, I keep getting the "wrong" ones. Sure, they have helped me to grow and heal and in this way they were “right,” but when does the "right" one show up? When is it that I can make love to and touch and feel and smell and be friends with and share our life’s together? It was suggested that I just “be” and wait and allow life and God and the Universe to provide. Good advise, but what other choice do I have? Being angry and resentful and depressed and all of that just makes the waiting that much harder. Ask yourself this, can I stand in the eye of the storm and just be? If so, then good for you! Because you are Enlightened. Someday, I feel that I am, and some days I feel that I am not Enlightened.