No Longer is Home

Once removed from this place,
A place I liked, but never loved,
A chance to see the Ocean.
Alone in the California vineyards,
Not my place, not my home.
No goal nor drive, just being alive.
The card said "Home is where Mother is"
Then back I went.
Now, once again removed from this place,
A place I've liked, but never loved,
A chance for Fortune and Love.
Not my place, not my home,
But with goal, drive, direction, purpose.
And though it's been but one full Moon,
It feels if I belong, welcomed,
More than this place that no longer is home.
It had been short past twenty years,
Much longer than any before,
Yet, I wonder, did I ever belong?
Did it ever feel like home?
Here, now, I look to that past
Too many times did it feel
A need to go but nowhere to stay.
Now, as I prepare to return, to leave this place,
A place I've liked, but never loved,
I'm anxious, excited, entertained
By the thoughts of my return.
Or perhaps just to leave this place
Knowing I've somewhere else to stay.
For what is it there for me?
No one awaits, just an empty apartment
And no feeling of home!
There's just Promise and Hope.
A chance to ease my mind,
To leave the grey and heavy clouds
That obscure my eyes and fog my mind.
What security I leave and material safety!
All for Promise and Hope?
And though it's been but one full Moon,
There is nothing tangible for me there!
Ah, but I can see clear and breath clear
And think clear and feel clear and be me and free.
So, I leave this place of twenty and so years
A place I liked, but never loved.
For what choice do I have but to be clear, me, and free

This poem was written shortly after I moved to Laramie to finish college. I was driving back to Cheyenne and as I got closer and closer, the less I felt like being here. After I got to the exsit, I knew for sure; this place was not home and had never been. Cheyenne has never felt like "home" to me, yet I have lived here close to 30 years and it appears i will be here for another 30 or more. I lived in Laramie for 2 years and I felt at ease and welcome. I lived in Boulder, Col. for 9 months and felt comfortable and like I belonged. Yet, to call any of them home? Perhaps, I do not know how home feels.