Emile Rose

Saturday, 10-29, my son and I went to see the movie “The Exorcism of Emile Rose.” Heard lots of people say it was scary. I was not, but I was very interested. We went to my favorite cinema, “The Lincoln” which is downtown. This theater was originally built in 1938, Cheyenne’s first, and latter remodeled to be one of the studio theaters in the 50‘s. We used to have a Paramount, as well, but it closed 30 years ago. The Lincoln theatre has been renovated to be mostly the original 1950’s décor. The ceiling in the lobby is the original from 1955. They put in a great sound system a few years ago and a huge screen, the best in town until the same owner built a brand new 12 screen complex last year. I love this old theater! It has such wonderful energy. Plus, it is a second run and the movies are only $1!!!! This theatre is where my son saw his first “big movie” when he was 5, “Beauty and the Beast.” That is a very special memory for me! He stood the entire movie and sang along, even though he do not know the words. He danced and looked back, asking me if I saw that and he was just totally into it. That began a tradition with us. We go often. We rent lots of movies and purchase them for each other as gifts for holidays and birthdays. When he was about 8 or 9, he began asking me lots of questions after the movies. To my amazement, he would ask some very deep and mature and intelligent questions. We sometimes talk about if we liked it or not, but mostly we discuss the movie's topics. My son asked me questions about the authenticity of this movie and Emily Rose. I told him I remembered the trail, but not much of it. He began asking about demons and realism and all of that. When I was going through my metaphysical stage, I taught him all of it. He “sees dead people” just like I do, but he does not talk about it so much these days. I told him about the adage that Satan’s biggest trick is making people believe he does not exist. My son asked me to explain. I told him that as long as people believe, specifically the scientific community, that there is no evil and no Satan and no demons, then no one will work against it. I asked him “Do you think that if people knew and believed that they would burn in Hell and that Satan was real they would still do the stupid stuff they do?” It is similar to any government cover-up conspiracies. As long as they keep the public thinking there is no such thing, no one will be snoopy and look around and find them doing it. Anyway, I think that psychology has gone in the wrong direction in totally disregarding spiritual matters. In fact, most psychiatrists will say that beliefs in religions and God and demons and all of that is a disorder, mainly schizophrenia. I disagree. I do not believe in the Biblical Heaven and Hell. We make our own Hell. I believe in karma and that if we do evil things, evil will be done to us. Did Emily have grand mall seizures? Maybe, but I do not think so. They said in the movie that she was in fact taking her meds at the height of her activities and when she was displaying these behaviors. Does our mind play tricks on us during seizures, or do the demons? I think both. It is very easy to manipulate energy when being a spirit or demon. They are pure energy. They can effect our brain chemistry. They can effect any magnetic imaging scans. As long as evil is explained in a matter of psychical, scientific explanations and treated with drugs, evil will prevail and flourish. However, I know that there are many who need drug therapies. I know there are many who indeed have chemical imbalances. What a lonely and meaningless existence to live life without the conscientious presence of a Higher Power. Anyway, it was nice having that conversation.

Yesterday, I took my son and his friend to Denver for the Broncos game. Just before the main entrance at the stadium, they had a live band performing. They played old 70’s retro disco music. They sounded great! They had a 5 piece horn section, 2 person percussion, 4 singers, an eclectic bass, guitar and keyboards. “Lady Marmalade” never sounded so good!!! That band was tight! They had their sound down solid and they worked very well together. The lead vocalist, a female, belted the leads out on that song with authority. I had goose flesh! Oh, man!!! I love live music! Back in the late 70’s, I was a closet disco lover. Unfortunately, I was alone in my group with the musical appreciation for that musical yesterday, so I had to leave much sooner than I want. That just made my weekend!

resentment

After I wrote my last blog on depression, it took a turn. Not necessarily for the better, but the norm for me. Males who were children in the 60’s and the early 70’s were taught by their families, peers, and sociality to not show any emotions other than aggression or anger, especially in small town Wyoming. No, I am not say all males, but that was the ‘norm’ back then. I have had a hard time getting past that. As the saying goes, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Anyone can easily tell my insides, my internal feelings and my mood at the time, from a quick and simple observation of my outside. That is just the way I am now. Some people, and I prefer to think of it this way, say that I am passionate. I used to just be angry all the time. Angry at everything and everyone, even when I was happy and feeling good. It is just so much easier to be angry than to allow pain and depression. That is how most males my age, or we used to anyway, expressed our sadness and hopelessness and fears and pain and rejection, by being angry. Through lots of hard work and support, I have been able to change that. How that old self shows now is through a ‘frustration into anger’ process. Us males were taught to never show any emotions such as fear or pain or sorrow or joy, even love and happiness, only anger. Anger was the only acceptable emotion. Therefore, all emotions were channeled into and expressed through anger somehow. As I mentioned, I am not that way anymore and, thankfully, society's views have changed greatly on this. The part for me that lingers comes with the pain part. I still show anger, even get angry, when I am in emotional pain. After I determined that I was depressed, the next step was to do something about it. I told myself I would not allow the depression to get to me. Well, instead of dealing with it, I pushed it down inside. That ignited the fires of frustration. The flames consumed me. I am frustrated with some parts of my life. Oh, my life is so much better in so many ways than it was 3 years ago. Even from last year, even from a few months ago, so lots of positive progress is being made. I have so much to be thankful for now. Yet, a few things seem to be the same old bad stuff. When the frustration takes over, I do not see things logically. I only see the things I do not have and embellish how bad things are for me. I focus on what I do not have and instead of working on obtaining it or creating it for myself through positive visualizations, I become resentful. Logically speaking, there is no reason for resentment. However, few emotions are logical. I am not logical, even when I try to be, which is often. A healthy way of dealing with resentment is to just let go of it and not place blame. Instead of letting it go, I harbor it. I dock that ship in my best bay, pushing everything out to sea and blocking my view of reality. I unload all of resentment’s cargo. That cargo is just another fresh supply of all the old ways and views. Those old ways of thinking demand that I place blame on the Ultimate Provider, the Supreme Source of ALL, God. Of course, that is foolish, yet, I still do it. Once that ship approaches port, I am a whore hungry for sailors and I run to the peer, naked, arms and legs wide open. [Looking at this way sure does not make me feel good about myself.] Free Will suggests that it is not God’s Doing, but mine. It is not God who makes my life bad, it is my circumstances. I need to change them and to work through them. Is not God in Control of my circumstances, though? Yes, there is much beyond my control, which is Free Will working for everyone else. Understanding and patience are what is needed at the times of frustration, not resentment. Resentment breeds anger. Anger devours life as starving lion in a herd of sleeping, deaf antelope. Anger blinds logic and reason and all positive emotions. Anger is the ugly child of fear. Fear feeds anger. Anger draws it’s strength from fear and makes those fears think they are a victim and damn it we are not going to take it anymore!! Kill ’em all! So, as per usual with me, I have been angry at God the past few days. Thankfully, I have been able to work through it and it only lasted for short periods during these past few days. Having a cold has not helped it, but perhaps the cold is a product of my behaviors. There are only two core, two basic emotions, love and fear. So, when I am angry, what is my fear? Fear that God does not love me. Fear that God will not Help me or Provide for me. Fear that God is Oppressing me. Foolish! There is no Oppression! God is Guiding me, Aiding me and Assisting me in doing what is not only my best interest, but of those around me; of all actually. I know God loves me even when I am yelling at the top of my lungs that I hate God. Even when I was unemployed and sicker than ever and alone and crying, God STILL loves me! I can feel, I can see, just below the surface of that cargo, a clear blue ocean of understanding. Yet, that cargo takes over control of my actions. It is as though I am a puppet on a string. Dance, Puppet Boy, dance! Why? I guess I just want to be heard. I guess I just want to know why, yet, I already know why. As I have mentioned on other blogs, I have done everything I know of and more to find someone to love. That is the problem. If I just wanted sex or some short term fling, I could easily find it. Right? Wrong. I have tried, but through Divine Intervention, I have not been lucky. There are seemly tons of opportunities around me, yet, when I reach for the candy in the jar, my hand gets slapped, then the jar is moved out of my sight. I can not just have sex. There has to be love and commitment and call me old fashion if you will, but that is just who I am and my lot in life. I accept it. Even back when was a drunk junkie, I knew better, even though I still tried and I still got stung. Save me from myself. Okay, I appreciate that, but what about my Free Will? That is where resentment takes advantage and deploys anger. Deep down, well, deep down when I am angry, I do not want just sex. That is why it does not happen. There are other things lacking in my life as well. Mostly about money. I just do not want to go into details about money, not now, not here. So, what do I do about the anger? Not let it start. Once it does though, it is out of control. Puppet Boy no longer has control of his strings. So, do not control anger, but work through it. Do not let it start by not harboring resentment. How do I stop resentment‘s cargo? Not placing blame. Do not look at what I do not have with distain but look at what I do have with gratitude. Do not look at what I want and say I can not have it, but say that I am getting it. Do not let frustration breed resentment by patience and understanding. Give me back my strings! Now that I have made it clearer to myself, how about if I go take a shower and eat some breakfast and begin doing my visualizations again.

Dear God, I am so very grateful that I have the abilities to resolve my issues.

300.4 Dysthymic Disorder

I still love Halloween. I was just lamenting because I do not dress-up anymore and go dancing. Even now that I am sober, believe or not, I still love to dance. I have been depressed for 2 maybe 3 weeks now. It is dysthymic depression (DSM-IV-TR, pg 176, 300.4), [one of my given lables] a low level of depression that is constant and is not major or has manic episodes. Of the symptoms, 2) hypersomnia, 3) low energy or fatigue, 4) low self-esteem, 5) poor concentration or difficulty making decisions, 6) feelings of hopelessness. Why? I think I finally figured it out, after noticing the depression. I have been taking long naps, and going to bed early and keeping up with my exercising and still, I am beat everyday. The reason: the holiday season. No, not the holidays themselves, but the same thing that has been happening for the past 6 years. 6 years ago, this month, is when I last had a girlfriend. In fact, she was who I thought was the “one.” Do I miss her? NO! Want her back, yadda, yadda? Hell no! Do I hate her? Certainly not, I am just lonely. I have never gone more than a few months without sex before and now it is 6 years. I have been through the worst days of my life this past 6 years, none of which is directly related to her or even indirectly. I am just sick of being alone and taking matters into my own hands, if you know what I mean. All of my attempts at finding someone have been nothing more than helping me to heal and to see that I needed to do some more work. I have tried all types of ways of meeting woman, and nothing. I even tried that Adult Friend Finders site. I got zero responses. Come on now, you can not tell me that out of over 38,000 woman in a 100 mile radius of me that no one is interested in me? All I can think of for a reason or an answer is Divine Intervention. Yes, save me from myself. No, I do not want to just get laid. I want love and to give love. Don’t we all? Anyway, this time of the year is tough. I have a hard time not thinking, well, 7 Halloweens now. 7 Thankgiving’s. 7 Christmas’s alone. And then the worst holiday of them all, St. Valentine's Day. Not just that I am alone, but my best friend ever died in car wreck and her funeral was on, of all days, St. Valentine's Day. Okay, so I caught it early. I refuse to be depressed and think about what I do not have this year. Thankgiving will be different because I am going to Jamaica. However, it is for my brother’s wedding. Maybe I will meet some hot island girl! Or maybe I should stop think about sex and woman and just.. What? What else is there to think about?

More art from my past. This first one is Terry Nun from the 80’s New wave band “Berlin.” Done with pastels over water colors, in 1984. Next one is John Bulishi (sp?) done with quash or opaque watercolors. That was an assignment for my Advertising Design class in 1982, when things were still done by hand and not computers. (I actually saw his ‘grave site’ on Martha’s Vineyard in 1997) Today as I was leaving the YMCA, around 6:00AM, after lifting, someone commissioned me to do a drawing for them. They want daises. I am very flattered that they asked me and hey I might make a few bucks, but usually I do not make much on my art. I just sell it too cheap. Actually, I usually give it away. If I have shown someone in the past my work and they really like a certain piece, I have just gave it to them. Not my favorite stuff, though. One of the requirements for admission into grad school in the counseling program at UNC in Greeley, Colorado, is to take the MMPI II. That “personality inventory” is a joke! If any of you psych majors or any who have studied this test, you will know what I mean. Although they claim it is very accurate. The questions, all 531 of them, are true/false. Absurd method for a psych test. I can recall many of the question’s answers for me being both. One example is: “If you were an artist, would you like to paint flowers?” I am an artist and I hate painting flowers. I love flowers, but I am very bad at drawing and painting them. I can never get them to look like flowers. How do I answer that? Maybe that question is supposed to be an indication of gender roles, I do not know. There were other questions that directly asked about liking flowers and wanting to be an artist. Maybe that is a question designed to see if a person is “faking” as they say in the psych world. The very first question through me off. “Do you like to read mechanics magazines?” Well, I have never read one. How do I know? I work on my own cars and motorcycles, mostly because I like it and I can not afford paying someone else to fix them (I should say I used to not be able to, I can now). I have “looked” at car magazines, but just at the pictures of the cars. I have read articles about cars and instructions in repairs in books, but no mechanics magazines. No, I did not “like” reading the instructions, but they sure did help with the repair jobs. I just answered “true.” So, what were my results? They were looking to see if a person fit into their ideas of what a counselor should be, so they said, whatever that means. That was never explained. The person who told me about my results said I am ( or was at the time) “a person who is re-defining themselves.” She was right. So, maybe that test is a good one, what do I know? I knew that at the time and I did nto need an $85 test to tell me. I guess one is not supossed to be re-defining when appliying to grad school.

Halloween is coming soon

This is a pin and ink drawing I did in college. It is all one continuous line. The other is pastels over watercolor, post college, pre-no drinking. This ‘reaper’ I had made into a tattoo on my right shin. Photos latter. The colored pencil drawing was done in 9th grade. I saw that in the clouds, looking out my bedroom window one afternoon. I used to draw lots of this type of stuff, but then I stop. (See blog in archives, “A Witch Hunt in Wyoming” for details.)

Halloween used to be my second favorite holiday. I loved going to costume parties and dressing up and all that. I love carving pumpkins and all of the cool decorations. I like the theme colors of black and orange. They just seem to go very well together. When Trevor was little, I loved getting him a costume and taking him Trick or Treating. Now, it is just another day. These days, since I quit drinking and do not go to parties anymore, I do not think about it so much. I could still go to parties and dress-up and not drink, but I do not know anyone or have any friends who invite me to parties. Glad I enjoyed it when I had the chance. These days, there seems to be lots of “Christians” complaining about the evils of Halloween. Kind of ridiculous, I think. Those people seem to take everything out of context and make life a friggin’ bore. Trick or Treat is not what is used to be, either, thanks to the pedophiles and theives and whatever or whoever else that makes people hurt children.

More good music

I bought a new CD today, well, actually 2. One is Pat Benatar’s Greatest Hits. The other is her first album, “In the Heat of the Night.” I kept looking at all of her greatest hits CD’s, and there seems to be a ton of them, and I could not find one with all the songs from the first album that I liked on it. So, I thought I would just buy the best ‘hits’ one with the good ones and then buy the first album all by itself. I forgot just how much I love that first album! She has such a great voice, but I love the raw, edgy rock music on the first album. Usually, I only care about the music and do not pay much attention to the artist’s attitudes and their persona. With Pat, it is hard not to notice. She has lots of strength and did things her way, which was to NOT be a corporate sex goddess as they tried to make her. I know lots of girls who wanted to emulate her and in my opinion, that was a very good thing. When I was listening to the greatest hits one, I was lying on my bed with my headphones on, thinking about what I was doing back when this music was new ( mostly during the "Crimes of Passion" album). I had this really awful girlfriend back then. She was insanely jealous and I had to spend all of my time with her. She was the type of person who if I happened to sneeze and turned my head and there just happened to some women within a mile of my eyesight, I was accused of siring her children. That was tough. I never once cheated on her, although she was absolutely convinced I had many times. We had an on again off again thing and between the ons and offs, I had a few opportunities. No, I was not perfect either, but she brought the ugly green monster of jealousy out in me and it took me many years to get past it. When I was with her, I used to wish for moments like I was enjoying last night, being alone and just listening to music and thinking about nothing and everything with no worries. I used to spend lots of my time alone, listening to music, lying on my bed and thinking when I was young. Now, I am alone most of the time. Guess I got my wish. Still, I would rather be alone than spend another second with her or someone like her. I think I was just too stupid and/or too insecure to be alone. Even the sex was awful with her. I just do not know what I was thinking. Sorry, I should not be talking about my ex-girlfriends like that. It just seemed so ironic to me. Anyway, I love Pat Benatar! That CD sounded so good I listened several times. My favorite song on the first one is “My Clone Sleeps Alone.” The same guy who produced that first album she made is the same guy who produced the British 70’s rock group “Sweet.” Pat even covered one of their songs that the producer actually wrote, “No You Don‘t.” You might know The Sweet from the song “Ballroom Blitz.” That song was covered in the “Wayne’s World” movie.

Please, forgive me everyone. Please, forgive me God! I should not be venting about this or especially writing about it. In fact, I should not even be thinking about it. I should not put this negative energy out into the Universe. The people at the State have their own issues to deal with and they are chocked, just like the rest of us, with red tape and rules. They see it from their point of view. This will all work out. It always does and for the better. If something is lost then something better will replace it. If some goal is not achieved, then something better will replace it. If I lose this money, more will come to me, much more. If I lose all of my clients and all this falls through, then there is a better job for me. If all the women I have met to this point have rejected me or the situation did not work or whatever, their will be someone much better. That is the way It works!

What about this word “God?” There are other words: Great Spirit, Higher Power, Supreme Being, The Universe, Allah, The Tao, and much more. These words all speak of the same ‘being,’ the same ‘idea,’ the same ‘thing.’ Only our inferences upon it change the meaning for us. It is our attitudes and ideas that make the words different, therefore creating something that is not the Whole Truth.

Sorry, more venting. I talked to a “person” at the State today that only made the frustration worse. Of course, the States response to everything is that I am totally to blame for not only their mistakes, but for the entire misfortunes of the World. On numerous occasions, the “person” took this opportunity to upbraid me with little facts about what is expected of the mighty State. Like I don’t know or something. I had to explain myself and my situation numerous times to this “person.” She did not get it. She was on and on about this fact and that fact of which I repeated to her numerous times. At one point, she even laughed at me. Since I could not explain to this “person” properly, I was again upbraided and told I should call her back tomorrow. So, tomorrow you will bring your brain with you? An hour after this ordeal, the case manager finally called me back claiming she did not get my original messages. Latter on in the conversation, she asked me, unsolicited, about one of my questions from the first message. She did not get one of my other services on the IPC so I may miss two weeks of that money as well. Interesting. You know, just say you blew me off and have some balls. Better yet, do as most Wyomingites do and just do not bring it up and pretend nothing wrong has or is happening. Not like it was your fault this was screwed up, right? By no means am I perfect. I do not expect it of others, especially the State of Wyoming DDD. To be continued .

venting about my work

I need to vent here now, so if you do want to listen, I understand. I do not want to get into if it is a good or a bad idea to use blogs for venting, not right now anyway. I would appreciate any comments you might have for me, though. Thank you! For a brief history, I am a private care provider for DD/MR and ABI adults and children. Officially now, I am the owner of a business that providers these services. I used to be a private provider but after October 1st , I became an official business. The name of my business is “Cheyenne Assisted Living & Support.” I decided to go private because I had some issues with the philosophies of all the places here. Also, the money is much better and I get to work the hours that I like to and not the over-night stuff. What happened is that I ended up with 6 clients, so I needed to hire someone. Also, a ‘friend’ of mine that I worked with before at one of the places in town, left that job. One of the parents said she only wanted my ‘friend’ to work with her child. I have worked for 3 other places, two here, one in Laramie. My ‘friend’ tried to get certified to be a private provider, but she could not get it. The State of Wyoming Developmental Disabilities Division has so damn many moronic and tree killing rules and regulations that they chock providers with their ridiculous amounts of paper work and red tape. To a certain point, I can understand and agree with the regulations, but they make it unbelievably difficult to get things done. This ‘friend’ worked with this little girl for nearly a year for free because she could not get her certification done. It took me 4 months to get mine. At one point, the “lady” at the State LOST my paper work! I was told that I could just hire someone. We put my name on that little girl’s plan and I was going to hire my ‘friend’ so she could get paid. Then, I found out that I can not just hire someone while using my own personal SS number. I have to use a EIN number. Otherwise it is Medicaid fraud and I would have to pay back all of the funds I billed. Fortunately, I did not do any billing from that time. The case manager for the little girl did know about this, I just happened to find out from another provider who was doing the same as me and had to do some “bill-backs.” So, one would assume that all they would need to do was just get an EIN from the IRS. That is what I was told, anyway. It took me all of 10 minuets on the phone with the IRS to get one. Just give it to the State and I can hire. WRONG! I had to fill out a 30 page “packet” and had to change all of my plans. I got the packet in August, the third week. It took until October to get it approved. The State told me to estimate my units I would use and have the case managers make new plans with those units that are left over. I did that. Well, on the little girl, the State said the numbers were wrong. They were wrong because they did not see any billings for the estimated hours. Hello!! I had not billed for them yet!! Would a person not think that they would allow for that?! Guess not, that would be too easy. After 3 weeks, I finally got hers taken care of and approved. However, I lost a weeks work that I can not bill. That is such BS!!! Okay, I need to explain. That 'friend' moved to Texas in August, so I have been working with the little girl since then. I do not mind putting in extra. I do a lot of it. I lost a few days working with her anyway, no big deal. Better than her not having any services and that happens, a lot. The State knows they can get away with lapes in funding and just take advantage of people like me. I almost always show up early and stay longer than what I billed. There are late night phone calls, movies on the weekends, transportations, visits with their families, none of which are billed. Yes, it is free for the State. I do not mind, not at all. I am getting good Karma from this and the clients need it. I would rather have good Karma than money anyway. I spend time with some of my former clients, as well: movies, my son‘s football games, lunches, dinners. We are like friends and family. I am happy to have them to do things with and to go places. Sure, I miss deep intellectual conversation and feedback. Then, today, I get a notice in the mail that they denied my claims for one of my other clients for the last 2 weeks of September. It is $1,800 worth!!! The place that actually pays us, a pay service the government uses, ACS, told me that I was not approved because I changed my provider number. They told me that I have a different provider number and my old one was not valid. HELLO!! You are the ones who changed it! It was valid when I was providing the services!!! Yes, it is not now, but it was then, damn it!!!!!! I did exactly what the State told me to do and now I am getting screwed by them! ACS told me I have to talk to the case manager about it. They have nothing to do with that end of, so pass the buck. I have lost over $2,000 because the friggin’ State’s moronic rules and regulations. Then, the State has the nurve to complain that we do not have enough providers in our State for the number of people who need services! What do you idiots expect?!! We all should work for free? Then, I found out that any one who works with children, which is any client under 21, or any one who works with any age ABI client, they have to have a college degree. Okay, understandable, but what about a person who has worked with them for many years? I can guarantee it, people, experience is far more worthy and necessary in this business than a damn college education. No problem for me because I have more than they require for a degree, plus over 4 years experience, but that is going to kill me for hiring someone. That eliminated everyone from my list. Now, I do not know anyone that I can hire. The adult wavier program does not require a degree, yet, it pays more. They want higher educated and more experienced providers, but they want to pay less. Go figure! Well, since I had to wait so long to hire someone, I lost 4 of my clients. Now that I have all of this done and I have busted my ass getting it approved, I do not need anyone. It is for the best, I guess. Those other clients were non-compliant and very difficult to work with and, well, that just sounds like a cop-out to me. Things work out for the better, I just am frustrated with the damn “system” right now.

Prep Player of the Week”

Our newspaper here gives out what they call the “Prep Player of the Week” awards on Wednesdays for local high school athletes. This weeks recipients was my son, Trevor’s school’s whole defensive team. Since Trevor played on the defense in that game, although only one play, he is a part of that!!! Very exciting for me!! And his grandparents. He is a starter on the varsity but he only plays on kick returns now ( as the return guy). He was the staring DB for the first two games, but he and several others with the wrong last name were replaced. I am still very proud of him. His team is doing very good this year, much better than the past 2 he has been on the team.

Feral kittens in our back yard. One day last summer, a stray showed up and he got feed and 2 weeks he was a pregnant she and 2 weeks after that she had 5 kittens. 2 we found homes for, but the others just keep hanging around. Probably because they get feed 3 times a day. They are so cute though.

Have not put any photos on here in a while, so I thought I would add a few. This is my son, Trevor, and myself. It was taken 9-3-05 on my birthday.

My son, Trevor. Yes, he is a football player, but not a jock. Actually, I am very proud that he is an athlete and not a stupid drunk junkie like I was at his age. Also, he is very, very good at football. He is going to the same high school that I graduated from, awhile ago. Football is his only sport he plays at school. When the season is over, he works-out all off season. I have never pushed him to do any of the others, but I sometimes wish he would play basketball or track. He was a very good hockey goalie when he was in grade school, the best in the league actually, but he decided on football in jr. high. Actually, I have never pushed him to do anything. I wanted him to be musician like his old man, but he has no interest. He is not much into art, either. I just encourage him to keep doing what he likes to do. I have not missed any of his games, except for one this year and one last year, but he was playing Sophomore, JV and Varsity. I could not make the 10 hour drive to Evanston last year.

Columbus Day.

Whoever had October 9th in the pool, you won. We got our first snow of the year last night and has been snowing all day today. Thick, heavy, wet, more like spring time snow. There is still lots of leaves on the trees and this heavy snow broke lots of branches down. Sometimes, this type of snow kills older trees. That is sad, but maybe it is God’s way of pruning. We need to moisture here. I like the snow. That is why I live here. Howere, thios morning at Spinning, I visualized myself doing Yoga on a warm sunny beach in Jamaica.

Today is Columbus Day. I am NOT in favor of this holiday. To begin with, Columbus did not ‘discover’ this country. He did not even make it here. This country was visited by Europeans 500 years before him. Leif Erickson Day would be more accurate. I used to think that we should just change it to Discovery Day and not assign it to one person‘s name, but this country was not “discovered.” There was already hundreds of thousands of people living here. I worked with a guy at the cemetery a few years ago who is Latino. He told me that this day is a slap in the face for his people. I can understand that. Columbus has been reported to be a murderer and a slave owner and rapist and thief. If not him, then his crew and all the others after him. My Great, Great Grandmother was full blood Native American. She and her entire tribe, Tuckayoo, were moved by our government from their home in Tennessee to Oklahoma on the “Trail of Tears.” They were all promised to live there forever as they choose. Less than 5 years latter, their land was given to white settlers. My Great, Great Grandmother Mary Jane (her white name, sorry, I do not know her real name) married a Scottish immigrant, Arthur Oliver, while still in Tennessee. The Tuckayoo tribe was matriarchal so he lived with her family. Just before the government gave my Grandparent’s land away, they moved to Kansas. From there, they and their 12 children wagon trained to Oregon. About 100 miles into Wyoming, the kids caught small pocks and died, all 12 of them. They are all buried in the old historic cemetery at Ft. Laramie, Wyoming. My Grandparents homesteaded just 20 miles from the Fort between there and Lingle, Wyoming. They never made it to Oregon. They had nine more children. That farm is still in my family, only because they ‘pretended’ to be white. Whenever I think about Columbus and white settlers and the genocide of an entire human race, I tend to side with my Grandmother’s people. So, I say, no Columbus Day or Discovery Day or any thing like it. There should be a Sitting Bull or Crazy Horse or someone like them day. Just my biased opinion. This country was a blessing to my mother’s side of the family. Her Grandfather immigrated here from Greece just before Mussolini took over and Hitler and fascism. So, I am 1/16 Native American, Scottish, and 1/8 the Greek, but in my heart, I am full Native American. We have little ties to Greece or Greek traditions because when my Great Grandfather got here, he said he was in America now and he would do American things only, not Greek.

Another favorite album

The J. Geils Band: Bloodshot

No matter how foul my mood, no matter how dark, no matter how depressed, no matter how angry, this album instantly transforms me into the happiest guy in the World. This album is a combination of rock & roll, soul, funk, blues and Motown. In the 80’s, these guys had some hits, but the 80’s stuff is nothing like this. Magic Dick one of the greatest harmonica players ever. I have spent many hours trying to play like this guy, and I come far short. Back in the late 70’s, everyone who owned a harmonica wanted to play like him. This album was released in 1973 and it did get a little airplay back then with “Give It to Me,” but they did to see the type of success they had in the 80’s. With the first song, "(Ain’t Nothin’ but a) House Party," there is no longer any hope for depression or sadness or negativity. By the end of the song, unless you are comatose or even if you are, you are on your feet. Half way through the next song, “Make Up Your Mind,” you are dancing, and by the last song, your sweating like you just ran a mile and wanting more. A party or two back in the day I was at, a bore, a waste of time, turned into a kicker after this album came on the stereo. Those that were already kicking, turned into raggers. People who once had sat there dead, danced, alone or with multiple partners. The whole palce was one big dance floor and we all were dance partners! Today, it still sounds great, even sober, especially sober. It is just fun! How many ablums can I say that about? Not many.

To be my new friends and new readers, I would like to fill you in a little about me. I have a ton of blogs on here and I would not expect you to go back and read them all. I would love it, but I do not have that kind of time and I suspect you do not either. First of all, thanks for reading my blogs and making comments. It means a lot to me. When I quit my 17 year alcohol addiction/ problem, my entire life changed. The typical story is the person who looses it all and then decides to quit. I quit and lost it all. My career, my ’friends,’ my family, but most importantly, my thoughts and beliefs. I knew nothing else but drinking and drugs. Not only was I lost, I discovered I had huge issues, 30 years worth. Just imagine for a second losing everything you have right now. Your friends, your family, your husband or boyfriend, your job, your entire way of life and then, you are unemployed and so depressed you can not see or think of anything else but dieing. Dieing would be a privilege and you know what, God says you are not worth it. Can you imagine being that low? And not be able to have that old crutch there for you? I am not asking for sympathy, nor do I consider myself a hero. I put myself there. I knew better, well, I know better now. I busted my ass to fix myself and to be a better person. Not better than anyone else, but better than who I was before. So, 8 years of hard work and confusion and rebuilding my Faith and my beliefs and my way of life, I meet a woman. Of all the woman I was a with before (it was not so many, I have had a lot of long term relationships) not once did I feel any of them was the ‘one.’ I had no clue how it even felt. I could not even understand the concept of just loving that one person for the rest of my life. Many of those women told me I was their ‘one.’ But this girl, I felt it for her. She told me, just shortly after I moved in with her, that she felt like she had just been killing time with her life and the others until I finally showed-up in her life. Wow! For a guy who spent most of his life hating himself, that was just in-describable. I felt like all of my hard work had accumulated to her and that point. Life was perfect and so much better than I had imagined it. Then, a little over a year after I moved in, she kicked me out. She told me that all of the beliefs and faith we shared was mine and not hers. I was so devastated that I was in shock, numb to the World (which is not so bad, actually). I worked hard to keep moving forward and to keep going in that same direction, that heal myself and become better and try to help others. Then, I lost it all. All of those tools I had not only stopped working, they made it worse. It seemed to me that not only did everything stop working and was taken for me, it was used against me. In 2001, I quit my job at the psych hospital because I could not afford Boulder and I did not get into grad school. I would try 4 more times are different schools, and not get it. I moved back in with my parents after that job because I had no job and no money. I am so very grateful to have them! It would be 18 months before I found a job. 18 months of the worse time of my life. I spent 23 hours a day in my bedroom, alone, mostly sleeping and wishing to be dead. I was dead. I was not even surviving. I am ashamed to say this, but I hated God. It was all God’s fault. God hated me and oppressed me. I use the word ‘God’ to label a concept. You can say whatever word you want, it is all the same. It is like trying to label the ALL and Everything and trying to describe love with one word. The word “God’ to me does not have so much a Christian basis, like I know is common here. I have studied religions and they have a good place, but eventually, if one truly wants to grow, they will need to rise above religion. Anyway, I got a job finally, but only for 3 months. Then it was another 9 months before I found work again. Look in your DSM IV. They have a specific diagnosis for un-employment. I have had to rebuild what was already a rebuild. My self-esteem was gone, nothing, worse than nothing. You spend that much time alone and everything is about you. In my foolish opinion, 9-11 was my fault. So, I am so much better now. After a break-up, it is best to spend some time alone to heal and grow and reflect and to move forward. To not take that time off means you will just be right back in the same bad situation you were before. How much time alone? Well, that is up to that person. It has been 6 years, this month, for me. I have tried, but there is always something there blocking me, preventing me, saving me from myself. There comes a point in that healing and growth with the time alone that growth can no longer move forward. A person needs to get back out there and continue healing and growing while being with others. In my opinion, I am at that point. There are a few women in my life, but there are just lots of red flags. Plus, I can not seem to get myself to ask. I hated dating in the 70’s when it was easy. Now, there are too many rules. I am not good with rules. In fact, rules are meant to be broken. Rules are NOT for the righteous man, but for liars and thieves and murders. So, what do I do? I have tried the internet. It has not worked. I miss touch so much!!! Just a silly little hug would fill me with so much joy that… okay. I think you understand me now. I am still a work in progress, but I am so much better than before. Thanks for listening to me.

thoughts and friends and sex buddies and stuff

After I wrote my last blog, I eat some lunch while having some thoughts. I thought about why I do not have many friends or a wife or girlfriend or even a sex buddy. Do not have any good answers. Divine Intervention is about the best I can sum it all up. The friends thing, well, who knows. I spent some time looking at other blogs today. I used some links with band names, Dead Kennedy’s was one and The Cure another (both bands I like very much). There are lots of people complaining about their friends and how much they hate them and all the mean things they have done. You people should try being alone for 6 years. You might wish to have someone to hate, but I do not wish for that. I would rather be alone than to have friends who hurt me. But can that really be helped? Can we have friends and always get along and not hurt each other? NO. So maybe I do wish that I had someone to hate at times. I just would not want one who never calls or does not show up when they say they will or ignores me when they see me in public or.. Hey, wait! That is my ‘friends.’ Is that why I go to movies alone? With my interests, I am a contradiction. I LOVE punk, especially 80’s hardcore stuff, but I am not angry, not any more… well, not in general and not today. Oh, sure, I like to break stuff, but I do not hate nor I do usually want to hurt someone, except myself at times. I love 80’s New Wave and the Cure and Devo and the B-52’s and lots of that other stuff, but I also love 80’s hair metal, Cinderella or Motley Crue, and 80’s hardcore heavy metal, like Slayer and Metallica. I love Motown and soul and 70’s disco and blues, but I can not tolerate rap or hip hop. Country, especially the new stuff, is not at all for me! Where I live, I am in the vast minority with that, especially for my age group. That stuff depresses me and makes me want to go postal. I would rather listen to teh lold traditional country and that is even more depressing. If I want to get mellow, I will put on some old Elton John. Seems like I am either too old or too young thinking, or otherwise. I love to play music, mostly my guitars and my harmonica and I wish I could my drums but they are in storage right now. Music is extremely important to me and a HUGE part of my life. I wish so much to be in band again, but who out there in this hick town wants to play and not party all night? Who out there just wants to play and have fun and not worry about getting signed or if I played the note correctly or not? I do not know anyone. No, I do not drink or smoke or take drugs, illicit or not, and I love God and my son and my family and my cat and my dog and my fish and usually life. I am NOT religious, just spiritual, but I do not preach it to others, I just live it. I work-out 7 times a week, Spinning, weight-lifting, and Yoga. I teach a drawing class at our local YMCA. I am a very talented artist, most people say, but I am not interested in doing ‘Western” art nor do I like it. Tough attitude to have in Wyoming. Don’t sell many drawings, but who says I want to? I am in it for the 'doing,' for the creating, not the end result or the money. I only teach at the Y because I get to work-out for free there now and because I love to teach, especially art. Okay, so whatever. I am a damn nice guy and I am smart and great in bed and a lot of fun to be around. I would like that my wife be my best friend, but that seems to be even harder to find than a good friend. Oh, I tried the internet. I got a few nice pen pals, but nothing more. I tried so many sites and got zero. Even a sex buddy would be good, but again, Divine Intervention. Oh, I have tried, but no go. Safe me from myself and all that. I am not the type of person who can just have sex without any emotional attachment. Call me old fashion or stupid, or silly or whatever, but I am what I am. I am the best friend a person can have. I will not drink all your beer or smoke all your cigarettes and I do not eat much. I will not steal your girlfriend or sleep with your wife. That is mostly because I get along much better with women than men. Most all of my best friends have been woman, the ones who like men better for friends. There is just nothing wrong with me and maybe that is the problem.
Okay, so enough of my complaining.

nothing new

What I have to say today is maybe not so important. NO, I have not had any really good dreams lately. I think I have had a few, but as soon as I wake, my thoughts eat them. I love to sleep and I especially love dreaming. It is such a cooler place to be than here. I finally got all of my paper work and certification and all of that to be an official business now instead of a person. There is still more paper work and stuff to do, but I am taking a break and doing some 'real' writing. I just finished editing my first novel I wrote in 2000 and added some more pages to it. I am re-writing one that I started 3 years ago, an autobiography. It starts with my visit to the psych ward because that is when my “life” actually began. In November, I am going to my brother’s wedding in Jamaica. I have never been out of the country before safe for Tijuana. Should be great! I purchased a new digital camera so I will be able to post some photos on here from the trip. Still no love interest in my life, no girlfriend or even a sex buddy (other than my 2 hands). This month, it will be 6 years since I had any of that. Oh, well, my life is better in so many ways now compared to then, and extremely better than 3 years ago. I am sure that I will be getting ‘some’ soon.