resentment

After I wrote my last blog on depression, it took a turn. Not necessarily for the better, but the norm for me. Males who were children in the 60’s and the early 70’s were taught by their families, peers, and sociality to not show any emotions other than aggression or anger, especially in small town Wyoming. No, I am not say all males, but that was the ‘norm’ back then. I have had a hard time getting past that. As the saying goes, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Anyone can easily tell my insides, my internal feelings and my mood at the time, from a quick and simple observation of my outside. That is just the way I am now. Some people, and I prefer to think of it this way, say that I am passionate. I used to just be angry all the time. Angry at everything and everyone, even when I was happy and feeling good. It is just so much easier to be angry than to allow pain and depression. That is how most males my age, or we used to anyway, expressed our sadness and hopelessness and fears and pain and rejection, by being angry. Through lots of hard work and support, I have been able to change that. How that old self shows now is through a ‘frustration into anger’ process. Us males were taught to never show any emotions such as fear or pain or sorrow or joy, even love and happiness, only anger. Anger was the only acceptable emotion. Therefore, all emotions were channeled into and expressed through anger somehow. As I mentioned, I am not that way anymore and, thankfully, society's views have changed greatly on this. The part for me that lingers comes with the pain part. I still show anger, even get angry, when I am in emotional pain. After I determined that I was depressed, the next step was to do something about it. I told myself I would not allow the depression to get to me. Well, instead of dealing with it, I pushed it down inside. That ignited the fires of frustration. The flames consumed me. I am frustrated with some parts of my life. Oh, my life is so much better in so many ways than it was 3 years ago. Even from last year, even from a few months ago, so lots of positive progress is being made. I have so much to be thankful for now. Yet, a few things seem to be the same old bad stuff. When the frustration takes over, I do not see things logically. I only see the things I do not have and embellish how bad things are for me. I focus on what I do not have and instead of working on obtaining it or creating it for myself through positive visualizations, I become resentful. Logically speaking, there is no reason for resentment. However, few emotions are logical. I am not logical, even when I try to be, which is often. A healthy way of dealing with resentment is to just let go of it and not place blame. Instead of letting it go, I harbor it. I dock that ship in my best bay, pushing everything out to sea and blocking my view of reality. I unload all of resentment’s cargo. That cargo is just another fresh supply of all the old ways and views. Those old ways of thinking demand that I place blame on the Ultimate Provider, the Supreme Source of ALL, God. Of course, that is foolish, yet, I still do it. Once that ship approaches port, I am a whore hungry for sailors and I run to the peer, naked, arms and legs wide open. [Looking at this way sure does not make me feel good about myself.] Free Will suggests that it is not God’s Doing, but mine. It is not God who makes my life bad, it is my circumstances. I need to change them and to work through them. Is not God in Control of my circumstances, though? Yes, there is much beyond my control, which is Free Will working for everyone else. Understanding and patience are what is needed at the times of frustration, not resentment. Resentment breeds anger. Anger devours life as starving lion in a herd of sleeping, deaf antelope. Anger blinds logic and reason and all positive emotions. Anger is the ugly child of fear. Fear feeds anger. Anger draws it’s strength from fear and makes those fears think they are a victim and damn it we are not going to take it anymore!! Kill ’em all! So, as per usual with me, I have been angry at God the past few days. Thankfully, I have been able to work through it and it only lasted for short periods during these past few days. Having a cold has not helped it, but perhaps the cold is a product of my behaviors. There are only two core, two basic emotions, love and fear. So, when I am angry, what is my fear? Fear that God does not love me. Fear that God will not Help me or Provide for me. Fear that God is Oppressing me. Foolish! There is no Oppression! God is Guiding me, Aiding me and Assisting me in doing what is not only my best interest, but of those around me; of all actually. I know God loves me even when I am yelling at the top of my lungs that I hate God. Even when I was unemployed and sicker than ever and alone and crying, God STILL loves me! I can feel, I can see, just below the surface of that cargo, a clear blue ocean of understanding. Yet, that cargo takes over control of my actions. It is as though I am a puppet on a string. Dance, Puppet Boy, dance! Why? I guess I just want to be heard. I guess I just want to know why, yet, I already know why. As I have mentioned on other blogs, I have done everything I know of and more to find someone to love. That is the problem. If I just wanted sex or some short term fling, I could easily find it. Right? Wrong. I have tried, but through Divine Intervention, I have not been lucky. There are seemly tons of opportunities around me, yet, when I reach for the candy in the jar, my hand gets slapped, then the jar is moved out of my sight. I can not just have sex. There has to be love and commitment and call me old fashion if you will, but that is just who I am and my lot in life. I accept it. Even back when was a drunk junkie, I knew better, even though I still tried and I still got stung. Save me from myself. Okay, I appreciate that, but what about my Free Will? That is where resentment takes advantage and deploys anger. Deep down, well, deep down when I am angry, I do not want just sex. That is why it does not happen. There are other things lacking in my life as well. Mostly about money. I just do not want to go into details about money, not now, not here. So, what do I do about the anger? Not let it start. Once it does though, it is out of control. Puppet Boy no longer has control of his strings. So, do not control anger, but work through it. Do not let it start by not harboring resentment. How do I stop resentment‘s cargo? Not placing blame. Do not look at what I do not have with distain but look at what I do have with gratitude. Do not look at what I want and say I can not have it, but say that I am getting it. Do not let frustration breed resentment by patience and understanding. Give me back my strings! Now that I have made it clearer to myself, how about if I go take a shower and eat some breakfast and begin doing my visualizations again.

Dear God, I am so very grateful that I have the abilities to resolve my issues.