To be my new friends and new readers, I would like to fill you in a little about me. I have a ton of blogs on here and I would not expect you to go back and read them all. I would love it, but I do not have that kind of time and I suspect you do not either. First of all, thanks for reading my blogs and making comments. It means a lot to me. When I quit my 17 year alcohol addiction/ problem, my entire life changed. The typical story is the person who looses it all and then decides to quit. I quit and lost it all. My career, my ’friends,’ my family, but most importantly, my thoughts and beliefs. I knew nothing else but drinking and drugs. Not only was I lost, I discovered I had huge issues, 30 years worth. Just imagine for a second losing everything you have right now. Your friends, your family, your husband or boyfriend, your job, your entire way of life and then, you are unemployed and so depressed you can not see or think of anything else but dieing. Dieing would be a privilege and you know what, God says you are not worth it. Can you imagine being that low? And not be able to have that old crutch there for you? I am not asking for sympathy, nor do I consider myself a hero. I put myself there. I knew better, well, I know better now. I busted my ass to fix myself and to be a better person. Not better than anyone else, but better than who I was before. So, 8 years of hard work and confusion and rebuilding my Faith and my beliefs and my way of life, I meet a woman. Of all the woman I was a with before (it was not so many, I have had a lot of long term relationships) not once did I feel any of them was the ‘one.’ I had no clue how it even felt. I could not even understand the concept of just loving that one person for the rest of my life. Many of those women told me I was their ‘one.’ But this girl, I felt it for her. She told me, just shortly after I moved in with her, that she felt like she had just been killing time with her life and the others until I finally showed-up in her life. Wow! For a guy who spent most of his life hating himself, that was just in-describable. I felt like all of my hard work had accumulated to her and that point. Life was perfect and so much better than I had imagined it. Then, a little over a year after I moved in, she kicked me out. She told me that all of the beliefs and faith we shared was mine and not hers. I was so devastated that I was in shock, numb to the World (which is not so bad, actually). I worked hard to keep moving forward and to keep going in that same direction, that heal myself and become better and try to help others. Then, I lost it all. All of those tools I had not only stopped working, they made it worse. It seemed to me that not only did everything stop working and was taken for me, it was used against me. In 2001, I quit my job at the psych hospital because I could not afford Boulder and I did not get into grad school. I would try 4 more times are different schools, and not get it. I moved back in with my parents after that job because I had no job and no money. I am so very grateful to have them! It would be 18 months before I found a job. 18 months of the worse time of my life. I spent 23 hours a day in my bedroom, alone, mostly sleeping and wishing to be dead. I was dead. I was not even surviving. I am ashamed to say this, but I hated God. It was all God’s fault. God hated me and oppressed me. I use the word ‘God’ to label a concept. You can say whatever word you want, it is all the same. It is like trying to label the ALL and Everything and trying to describe love with one word. The word “God’ to me does not have so much a Christian basis, like I know is common here. I have studied religions and they have a good place, but eventually, if one truly wants to grow, they will need to rise above religion. Anyway, I got a job finally, but only for 3 months. Then it was another 9 months before I found work again. Look in your DSM IV. They have a specific diagnosis for un-employment. I have had to rebuild what was already a rebuild. My self-esteem was gone, nothing, worse than nothing. You spend that much time alone and everything is about you. In my foolish opinion, 9-11 was my fault. So, I am so much better now. After a break-up, it is best to spend some time alone to heal and grow and reflect and to move forward. To not take that time off means you will just be right back in the same bad situation you were before. How much time alone? Well, that is up to that person. It has been 6 years, this month, for me. I have tried, but there is always something there blocking me, preventing me, saving me from myself. There comes a point in that healing and growth with the time alone that growth can no longer move forward. A person needs to get back out there and continue healing and growing while being with others. In my opinion, I am at that point. There are a few women in my life, but there are just lots of red flags. Plus, I can not seem to get myself to ask. I hated dating in the 70’s when it was easy. Now, there are too many rules. I am not good with rules. In fact, rules are meant to be broken. Rules are NOT for the righteous man, but for liars and thieves and murders. So, what do I do? I have tried the internet. It has not worked. I miss touch so much!!! Just a silly little hug would fill me with so much joy that… okay. I think you understand me now. I am still a work in progress, but I am so much better than before. Thanks for listening to me.