I am who I am

Saturday night, after doing some mediations, I came to some self-realizations. I kept seeing lots of images from my past that can now be viewed by me as stepping stones to my growth. Much of it was major disappointments for me. You see, I thought that I had found who I was and my life Path and I was following it and doing all that I was being Asked to do by God. Of course, I do not presume to know God’s Plan in it’s entirety, but I thought I had a good handle on my part. I see now that it was just something I needed to do and it was never to be who I was for me entire life. I just needed to walk that Path for a time to understand. So, I made peace with it and all of the disappointments. Then, I realized it was not the actual people or persons or things, but my situation. There was much deep pain from the disappointments that lead me to anger and resentment. I was able to see it as a learning processes and as stepping stones and not as failures or even punishment. The negativity I have experienced in the past few years and all of the anger and resentment was, I thought, for having lost what I thought was my path. I felt that it had all been taken from me, stolen, or like some bet between God and Satan, or like Job. I had been walking the path of a shaman, one that is basically a psychic. I had my own clients and a group that I was teaching, then it was gone. I see now that I was only supposed to wear those moccasins to have understanding, and that it was never to be who I am now or in the future, just who I was then. I saw the ending of it all and why in my meditations. Why was tough and not fair and some people tricked me and hurt me and took things for me. How and why does not mater, only that I moved on and I grew and learned from it. All of what came with it, like getting a Master’s in counseling, went away with it. Now, I realize I am now who I am “supposed” to be. I am who I am. Before that night, I did not know and thought I was still fumbling around in the dark looking. So, now I just need to just “be” and to bring to myself those things I need. I went into to “counsel” and I told them that I want the best things that money can buy. I have never said that before. Most importantly, I want love. I still need to heal and grow and let go of some things. There is still some negativity within me, I can see it. There still needs to be some redefining of myself.

death of a kindred spirit

Thursday night, May 19th, I took one of my old clients from my old employer, to see a softball game. There are several people on the team from my other job. Since most of them have quit, it is good for all involved to see each other. Anyway, I saw a woman who I used to work with over 2 years ago at the software place. She told me that one of the guys there got killed. He was a friend of mine. No, we did not hang out after work because he still drank and did drugs and smoked, but we were kindred spirits. We had many things in common, especially music. During work at Quark, we would bring in our CD’s and play music for each other. We would talk about the old days and about how much we loved the music and the great rock and roll shows we saw and the good times we had listening. We shared trivia with each other. I learned new stuff and so did he. Before him, I liked Blues, but did not own much of it. He brought in his Blues CD’s and I learned to appreciate it so much more. Now, I have lots of Blues CD’s. Most of my songs that I write and compose on my guitars are blues based, all because of this guy's passion for music. He even introduced me to the “Blue Collar Comedy” thing. Now, he’s gone! We shared another commonality, long hair. It seems, that was his undoing, that and drinking. The lady at softball told me he was at one of our country bars (cowboy bar) here. We have lots of them in this town and in this state. For some reason, not mine, I have never gotten along well with cowboys. Even back in the 80’s when I had my hair short, they would always try to start fights with me. To be honest, I do not understand it. Anyway, he got into a scuffle with someone who did not like the length of his hair. The bouncers came and threw him out, of course, since it is a cowboy bar and he was a long hair. Those bouncers picked him up, drug him outside, and throw him to the ground on the sidewalk. They throw him head first and he hit his head and went into a comma. They pulled the plug after one week. I had just seen him, driving by me on the street about a month ago. We both waved to each other and I was happy to see him. Thinking about that day, waving to each other, I had no idea I was waving good-bye. Life is so fragile and quickly, it can drastically change or end. To say am I sad is being selfish, but I can not help it. He had a hard life. He did a tour in the first Desert Storm and he had lots of health problems from it. He was in a lot of pain, but now, no more. For that I am happy. However, he had daughter (I think she is 10 now) that was his whole life. His ex-wife was a drug user and he had lots of problems with that. He was a biker and a good man. If any of you have ever had a biker for a friend, you know what I am talking about. They are very loyal and they will do anything to help out. We were even born in the same city, Des Moines, and had our parents grow up there before they moved here (thye even attended the same high school, Des Moines East). It just really sucks that he had to go like that. Too many people from my past have died from alcohol related incidents. I pray that his soul will find Peace and Understanding.

fishing trip, 5-14-05

Last Saturday, May 14th, I took Trevor fishing. We have a few favorite spots that we go to that are close to home. 30 minutes drive and we are there. There is a certain stretch of the highway that we usually always see a few deer. Either going up or coming back, we are sure to see at least one. On the way there, we saw 3 crossing the road. One was taking it’s time (hard to tell gender this time of year because they lose their antlers in early spring) crossing the road so we had to come to a complete stop. This spot is on a hill and coming the other direction was a motorcycle. Imagine the kind of damage that could be caused to all involved! The rider could get killed and the deer might not, but have to die slowly. Fortunately, the rider was able to slow down, but the deer was still not worried for some reason. Finally, it moved off the road to the other side. Then, on the other side of the hill, there were more. We again had to stop. I counted 20! Never seen that many there at one time before! There was a big buck with them (without his antlers). He was on the South side of the road watching us intently as the others finished gathering on the North side. You see, we were able to tell not just any his size, but his actions. His job is to draw attention away from the rest of the herd, so he stood there hoping to attract us to him. It was great to see so many of them there! We must have sat there in the middle of the highway, watching, for about 10 or 15 minutes. The head buck never did cross, just slowly walked along the fence. We drove off and went to our first spot just below the dam. The creek, or stream as some of you may know them, is called “North Crow Creek.” The dam is used for a power source for the city. There are some nice little beaver ponds there. About 4 years ago, I got a huge Cut-throat trout there. He was bright red and orange and measured over 28 inches. That is my biggest catch to date. (I know, not much to brag about, but I was very excited) This day though, we would not have any luck. So, we drove off to another creek, “Lodge Pole,” that is just a few miles West. The Wyoming Game and Fish usually stock this area twice a year with fish they grow in “fish farms.” Just before we got to the main highway, we saw an eagle. It was a Golden eagle, common for this part of America. However, it is uncommon to see them. In fact, they are a very rare sight along the roads. It was eating something so we stopped to watch. I wanted to make sure Trevor saw it. It stopped eating and stared at us if to say “Hey, do you mind! I’m trying to eat here.” So, we drove off. Again, no luck at Lodge Pole, so we went back to the lake. The lake is called “North Crow Lake” after the creek. We had heard that people were catching some big one’s there. This lake is also stocked by the Game and Fish. I have no idea where the good spots are, so we just parked in the parking area and walked to a place that as close to the car. We got lucky! Within an hour, I caught 4 and Trevor 8. They were only 8 to 10 inchers (“stockers”) but they sure were tasty! We put most of them back. I like to take only what we will be eating that day. I know people take their limits and freeze them, but to me they are not as good to eat after they are frozen. Besides, it is only right for Nature to only take what is needed and not be greedy. They were good fighters too. It was fun watching them jump out of the water trying to escape the hook! So, that following Sunday morning, I dreamt about an owl. She was very big and brown. I bent down and she climbed on my arm. I began to pet her and she purred like a cat. Then, she rolled on her back in my arms and I pet her tummy. Then, I took her to a table and feed her. The Native American in me says that seeing these animals on this day has a message. Eagles of course are very sacred. They are viewed as the animal that is closest to God because it can fly very high. A good omen to see one like that. The abundance of deer might be a sign of good things to come, of prosperity. If it was the old days and we were hunting and saw that many deer, we could feed and cloth our families for a log time. Owls are viewed as very mystical and sacred as well. They are nocturnal and this translates to humans as being able to see “all” or seeing in the darkness and shadows. To have owl medicine means that person will be able to see any harm coming or any tricks that the darkness has in store. Some would say that I have an owl as one of my totem animals now. It has been a very long time since I had a good animal dream like that. Thank You, God!!! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

Me and our dinner, may 14th, 2005. North Crow Lake. 

Trevor and our catch of the day. May14th, 2005. 

North Crow Lake. Our lucky spot, May 14th, 2005. That is my dog, Beavis, in the foreground. 

Lodge Pole Creek. One of the beaver ponds. May 14th, 2005  

art stuff

Tuesday, I asked to see if anyone had signed up for the next session in the drawing class. No, no one had, yet. Then, the art director told me she has my scheduled to be the art teacher for the summer camp for the kids. She said last year, they had 80 kids! Oh, boy! Okay, so not all at once and there will be camp counselors to assist. I need to write up a proposal for this. Then, Wednesday in my spinning (stationary bike exercising ) class, a woman asked me to private tutor her daughter in art. WOW! How did she even know, but I did not ask. $35 a lesson she offered me! For an hour! Thank you God! So, yes, doors are open now. One of my new clients wants me to teach him to draw as well.

thoughts

When I worked at the psych-hospital 5 years ago, I used to teach psycho-education classes to the youths. I worked on the adolescent ward. Psycho-education in the psychology fields is not how to become psychotic, but education that focuses on psychological issues. One of the class was about "cognitive distortions." As I have mentioned on here before, cognitive distortions are irrational thought patterns that produce a very negative effect on a person’s life. The hospital had a list of 10 most common ones that we would print out and share with the patients. I would begin the class by quoting "I think therefore I am." Of course, as I would tell them, this quote was not intended to mean this specifically, but was in reference to answer the question of our existence. How do we know we exist? How do we know we are “real” and not just a dream? Because we have cognition. For my purposes and the purposes of the class, I would explain to them that what ever you think you are, you are. If you think you are a piece of rubbish, then you will make yourself and the World rubbish. Changing your thoughts and recognizing that they are irrational and damaging is very important to having a better life. While I was teaching, I would recognize my own flaws in my thinking. There is a quote from a very good book by Richard Bach called “Illusions” that fit me in this situation. “We teach best what we most need to learn.” Still, today, I have some of those flaws. Recognition is step one, doing something about it is step two. I need to change some of my thought patterns, replace the negative with positive. This is not easy, but just think of the all the many years of these bad habits to over-come. This is not a simple switch of the light, tuned off then back on, but a work in progress.

More art and the Y and stuff

Several other people have told me in the past week that they or others they know did not sell anything at the YMCA either.

The piece that the art director said gave her “chills,” “Pug Eyes” the falcon pastels piece, well, I gave it to her. She was very happy! I gave the print “An Angel Appear Before Me” to my weight lifting instructor. She was very happy! She had me over for diner last night. Turns out her husband used to draw a lot when he was younger. He showed me some of his drawings. Her oldest daughter, who is the same age as my son and is in one of his classes at school, is an artist as well. She has taken many art classes at school and is currently. She showed me all of her stuff. She has got some talent. She had a project she was working on when I got there and she asked me to help her with it. At 3:00 AM this morning, I drew some sketches for 2 ideas that came to mind. I got them while I was not able to sleep due to my coughing.

Life marches on and so am I.

Hopefully, this weekend I will have time to do some drawing.

My new ride! 

art and my car

If I had sold a mere half or my art at the exhibit at the YMCA, I could have paid cash for my new car. Instead, it snowed and other mishaps and I sold nothing. Instead, I had to be rejected from the bank. Instead, my parents had to take out a loan for me and now I have to pay them back, slowly. A part of me is a bit disappointed in this. It would have been far more easy for me and everyone else. The show was already set. The people just had to come. Those of you who read my blogs have seen my art. It is more than worthy of the low prices I put on them. My heart knows it does no good to complain. That only makes me resentful. My heart wants to ask why, but why is remote now. This life time seems to be about repairing or preparing my soul for the next level. Not about making money or having anything easy. I am prepared to die. I am ready to go. I have my place. So, why should I stay? Why should I stay here when it always the hard way? Because it is not just about me. I do not care about cars, but I have to have one for my work. I need it to help others, to drive them around so they can buy there food, get their meds, go to their appointments. I do not care if any one likes my art, not even myself. It is only in the creating that I care for it heals and enlightens my soul. I do not care if I am fat and ugly and old and bald and I never get laid again. Inside, I am a very good human. Anyone silly enough to take a few minutes to get to know me will agree. Therefore, I am asking why. Why, God, do I have to do the car thing the hard way? Why, God, did You not allow me to sell me art so that I could use my money to pay my other bills? For many people, it is blasphemy to ask why and to look for answers. In their minds, it is only right to honor God by blindly accepting. I do not disagree, but that is not my path this life time. I have blindly accepted and then it was used against me. If a person does not understand and have complete Faith, Evil can easily take Faith from us. Within Good there is some Evil and within Evil there is some Good. If a person does not ask why how will they know the difference. To just say “I just know and I will always be able to tell” is not only foolish, but setting yourself up for failure. That is not Faith but denial. Being positive, looking for the good in all bad situations, asking and waiting and then accepting, no matter the answer, is the best way to go. Blindly following is not nor is being angry and resentful. I am grateful to have my car. It is a good car. I would just like to know why You choice this way for me, God?

"Far and Wide"

THE DAILY MOTIVATOR Wednesday, May 4, 2005

The positive actions you take do not stop with you. Many of them go on and on, far beyond you, to people and places you will never know about.The value you create does not end with you. It sets the stage for more positive value, and then for even more value on top of that.Somewhere today, someone's life has just been made better because of a positive action you have taken in the past. In some way today, the world is becoming a better place because of something you did, weeks, months or even years ago.You can never know or control how far and wide your actions will extend. You can, however, control the nature of those actions.The more love, kindness and thoughtfulness you put into your actions, the more positively those actions will multiply and radiate out into the world. Put the best of yourself into all you do, and your own unique value will be spread far and wide.The influence you have on life is immensely greater than it may appear on the surface. Live each moment with goodness, truth and integrity, and in more ways than you can possibly know, you'll be making the world a better place.

Ralph Marston

This is the Daily Motivator email edition. Copyright (C) 2005 Ralph S. Marston, Jr. All rights reserved. Visit The Daily Motivator web site at http://greatday.com for an archiveof more than 2,500 daily messages, inspirational photos and more.

"The Holy Alphabet"

"Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
X alting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Z ion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!

"I AM Too blessed to be stressed!" The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor. The one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything. Love and peace be with you forever, Amen."

"When life has you on your knees, you are in the best position to pray."

new car

I got my new car today!!! It is my first car I have owned since 1998. She is not much too look at, but she is a good car. The body is a little rougher than I first noticed, but that is okay. Shine she may, run she must, I say. It is what I need at this time. The insurance is cheap, the plates are cheap, and it gets great gas mileage. I have owned several Subaru’s before and they are very dependable cars. This one is 4WD too so I will not have to worry about snow and poor roads. This car only has 68,000 miles on it. Not bad for a 1987. When I was waiting for the dealer to fill out the paper work, I had a thought: in 1996 I bought my last car. It was a 1987 Subaru, just like this one only it was maroon. In fact, I bought it from the same dealership! They have new owners now, but it is the exact same location. Ironic!

the end of the art show at the YMCA

Yesterday, I picked-up my art from the YMCA. The next person for May had alreday taken my stuff down and put his up before I got there. I arrived at 12:45, just 45 minutes after they opened. I was a little disappointed, but it was the 1st yesterday and his month. I hope he was not angry at me. With Special Olympics and everything that went on yesterday and with the YMCA closing at 5:00PM, I could not take it down then. This guy is another photographer. I just took a quick glance, but I was not impressed. In the music industry, I have little respect for rap “musicians.” Most can not sing or they would and most have no talents for playing any musical instruments. All they need is a computer and to sample some else’s music. Sampling is stealing if you ask me, yet, it is also a compliment. To other “real” artists, photographers are viewed in this manner. I have respect for photographers because they still need to use the same formulas as a painter or a drawer to make their photos high quality. Anyway, I hung my ladies back up and my leopard. It is nice to have them home. The rest of my stuff, well… part of me wants to just put it all back in storage and forget about it. The stuff with the art show was very disappointing for me. I had such high hopes. I thought that at the least I would sell 2 or 3 pieces. When taking my son home the night of the reception, I wanted to cry. I had a brief moment of ‘poor me’ and ‘no one likes me.’ It was a tough day for me. I found a car that I would like to buy. It is old and small, but in good shape. It is something I can afford at this time and I know it would be dependable because I have owned 3 others like it. I have not owned my own car in over 7 years. I have been borrowing my parent’s car since then. This summer, I will not be able to borrow any more because they will need their car back. I went to go put a deposit on it the day of my reception and it was sold already. Then when I got home, I had a letter from the bank denying my loan anyway. The snow that day did not help much either, but we really need it bad here. My thoughts get me into trouble. I seem to focus at times on the bad and think everything else is bad or that it will be. In psychology they call this cognitive distortions. They keep me down and hurt me and limit me. I am practicing and working hard, but some days, I just can not find any reason or motivation to try. It takes a long time to over come 45 years of damaging thought patterns. I will get it one day. Wednesday night, I could only see reason for bad and not good. So, it is still lingering a little. My art will just stay in my room for now, even though it is causing lots of congestion, until I have a better attitude and a clearer mind. Yes, this has been a very positive thing for me and has helped me to heal and to regain a very important part of myself. There are other places in town to sell art and there will be other opportunities. Also, I have some ideas for some new drawings. I can see that my art has matured and grown. The new stuff should turn out even better than before. Who knows, maybe I will even want to sell some of it.

Special Olympics

Yesterday was the regional Special Olympics held here. This was my first time attending. I took my son and we went to the opening ceremonies, the power lifting event and the basketball games. This was held at my son’s school in their new, very nice work-out facility and gym. There was 3 other cities there, Laramie, Torrington, and Wheatland. While we were watching the power lifting that was before the opening ceremonies, I saw some of the person’s served I work with in Laramie. I remembered all of their names and some of their little characteristic quirks. It was fun for me. One of the girls from Laramie came over and talked to me. She remember my name! To my readers, you may not think this is much, but for me, this is nothing short of a Miracle! It was 6 years ago and with all of the people/trainers they go through over there… well, I was touched. I was very impressed at how strong some of these guys are in the Olympics. It was kind of a tough day from some of them I work with now. One hurt her back doing dead lifts and had to go to the emergency room. Another dislocated his finger in basketball. I will not find out until I go into work tomorrow how they are doing. Softball is coming up next and I think I will try to get more involed. This is just so very important to these guys.