I am who I am

Saturday night, after doing some mediations, I came to some self-realizations. I kept seeing lots of images from my past that can now be viewed by me as stepping stones to my growth. Much of it was major disappointments for me. You see, I thought that I had found who I was and my life Path and I was following it and doing all that I was being Asked to do by God. Of course, I do not presume to know God’s Plan in it’s entirety, but I thought I had a good handle on my part. I see now that it was just something I needed to do and it was never to be who I was for me entire life. I just needed to walk that Path for a time to understand. So, I made peace with it and all of the disappointments. Then, I realized it was not the actual people or persons or things, but my situation. There was much deep pain from the disappointments that lead me to anger and resentment. I was able to see it as a learning processes and as stepping stones and not as failures or even punishment. The negativity I have experienced in the past few years and all of the anger and resentment was, I thought, for having lost what I thought was my path. I felt that it had all been taken from me, stolen, or like some bet between God and Satan, or like Job. I had been walking the path of a shaman, one that is basically a psychic. I had my own clients and a group that I was teaching, then it was gone. I see now that I was only supposed to wear those moccasins to have understanding, and that it was never to be who I am now or in the future, just who I was then. I saw the ending of it all and why in my meditations. Why was tough and not fair and some people tricked me and hurt me and took things for me. How and why does not mater, only that I moved on and I grew and learned from it. All of what came with it, like getting a Master’s in counseling, went away with it. Now, I realize I am now who I am “supposed” to be. I am who I am. Before that night, I did not know and thought I was still fumbling around in the dark looking. So, now I just need to just “be” and to bring to myself those things I need. I went into to “counsel” and I told them that I want the best things that money can buy. I have never said that before. Most importantly, I want love. I still need to heal and grow and let go of some things. There is still some negativity within me, I can see it. There still needs to be some redefining of myself.