Holding Back I

When I first saw her, I thought she was one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my life. She had grace and elegancy and boldness and my complete attention. When she spoke I thought angels were singing. Even as far away from her as I was, perhaps 20 feet or so, I could feel her warm loving caring energy. Yet, I held back.

As she walked passed through the crowd, it was as though the Queen had arrived and all were in humbled awe of Her Majesty’s presence. All bowed and kissed her hand as she adorned her loyal subjects. Yet, I lingered back behind the others in the crowd. She did not notice me, not then. For the next five days and four nights, I watched her from a distance, studying her, noting all of her lovely physical features, her moves, her mannerisms, her character. That was over a year ago now.

At that time, that first day, she spoke to me, but only for a courteous greeting. Her attention was on a much younger and more handsome man than I, my son. My heart was filled with great joy to think he could have such an impressive woman’s attention. In my mind, I could see him and her together, happily married and several children about, some little girls who looked just like her, son‘s as handsome as he. Next day, she braided my hair.

We talked and through our conversation, I discovered that she is intelligent and kind and pleasant and polite and… perfect. I became very comfortable with her and we shared some nice conversations and a few great hugs.

Before arriving on this first trip of mine to Jamaica, the voices in my head told me I would meet my soul mate, my spouse, my life mate, my “her” there. Upon leaving, I felt despondent because I had not and they told me it was her, this Neliesha, this Queen.

“No,” I debated, “she is for my son.” So, I held back.

Holding Back II

As time went by, we had a few nice phone conversations, strictly as friends. Latter, after three or four months, I discovered that my son was not really interested in her. His mother would not have a black daughter-in-law. When I returned in July, some 8 months latter from this first meeting, I was again impressed with the site of her. The many photos I had from the first trip did not do her energy and elegance justice. Yet, I held back.

On that second trip, I was there to met another and Neliesha had a Jamaican man in her life. The second day of this trip came a phone call with a surprising confession: she told me she liked me, not just as a friend, but for much more. Even more surprisingly, I told her, in an awkward, clumsy way, that I had feelings of wanting to be more as well. Yes, I did, even though I had not admitted it to myself. Indeed, I do so now. But what to do?

Upon returning here, confusion filled my heart and I fought with myself for many months. What to do? Then, Jah provided an answer. Her man had become abusive and she quickly ended it. The person I met went her own separate way to Canada. Yet, I held back.

Holding Back III

Then came another meeting this last December’s end and New Year’s beginning. Now just a month ago, the feeling became much stronger. My desires to touch her and be with her became over-whelming. Never before have I ever desired to love and touch and make love to a woman as I desire her. Again, observing her, she is Isis, the perfect wife and mother. Her passion for children is obvious, her role as matriarch of the family again obvious, but perhaps only to some. Strong, independent, intelligent, loyal, caring, honest, bold. Yet, I am holding back.

Why? Because I am 47, she is 19. Perhaps in her world, her country, that does not matter much, and perhaps it should not matter here, yet, for me it does and…

Just do not know what to do. I have spoke to her about it. To her, it does not matter. So why should it to me? I have let go of it, but there is too much love there to ignore. I have only but kissed this woman once, nothing more. Never been on a date with her, never held her hand and stared into her eyes, never... But she is in my heart and in my mind. I catch glimpses of her in public. See her face and image in others. It sends chills through out my body and soul. This is more than just infatuation, more than lust, more than…

Why must those two wolves within me fight each other so?

Something new and a wax museum

My dream from this morning: We were walking through a wax museum. This part had just been a quick change from the previous, so details of whom I was with are not clear because it happened very quickly. The time duration was very short as well before I woke. I can recall seeing two wax figures, one male one female. They may have been actors or rock musicians, not sure because I did not spend much time looking at them. We walked quickly by to the next display.

This was a male figure of a guy dressed like a janitor with a dark blue full jumpsuit. His head was missing. In his hands was a rake, the type with the big plastic forks, not the short metal ones. My intuition was telling me he had something to say, so I listened closely. He began to speak to me from down inside his chest, or from his heart. He did not speak words right away, but began to rake the area around him. He cleared all of the leaves quickly because he was standing in a very small area that was marked by a very short gold fence. This fence was perhaps only 8 or 10 inches tall. He twisted his body to do some raking behind him. With great effort, he pulled his feet from the floor that had been attached with rebar wire from his souls. As he stepped over his fence and began more swiping, he said “Step out side your area.” That is when I woke.

I knew he was saying for me to move out of my usual routine, my normal comfort zone, to try a new approach, to do things I have not been doing. In the recent past, I have heard a few people advise me to try new approaches to my current concerns. I guess just do some stuff I have not tried much lately. There are a few women in my life right now that seem interested in me. I am not extremely interested in them, but enough. My internal thoughts have been to avoid them because of lots of silly reasons like I do not have feelings enough for a long term love relationship or hurting them, yadda, yadda. Now that I think of, how do I know that? I think the proper thing to do would be to ask them out and see. Be honest with them, yes, but at least get out and be doing something besides sitting at home.

Other than that, I am just not real sure what else I can do. That will come and I will just go from there. This stuff will take some effort for me to motivate myself. I am not feeling so confident, either.

wicked cold

Been down with a wicked cold. It has been zapping all of my energy. No achy muscles, just so tired. The cough and sore throat and sore chest are bad. No appetite and not much sleep. Even though I have been very tired and lethargic, sleep has not been happening. Wake-up several times during the night and un-able to get back to sleep. Nothing much as gotten done in the past week or so.

For a person like me who has troubles with depression, specifically depression for no reason, being this type of ill and having no energy makes it even harder. The lack of energy and being lethargic and no strength to fight makes it very easy for depression to take hold. Hard to tell at times which is which.

Very tired of feeling like this. Want my life back. The doc gave me some anti-biotic and they seem to be working, but they only seem to be taking the edge off. Have not been to Yoga or Spinning in a week.

Jamaican Expectations

Back now from my trip. Had a very nice relaxing fun time. The food was even better than before, the people great and the weather nice. My son had a great time as well.

Expectations are an important role in a person’s experiences. In cognitive psychology, they have what is called “schemas.” These are organized structures of how we perceive the events, people and places in our life’s. The theory is that we organize our experiences into categories and use them for latter experiences. We meet someone new, we quickly place them into a certain category and react accordingly. Same with going somewhere new or being in a new situation. The cognitive psychologist feel we do so as a defense mechanism. At some point, we alter those schemas upon receiving further information. When re-visiting a place, we recall those past events and place inferences on them just as we would in a new situation.

My original intentions for returning to Jamaica this time was to spend time with someone I had met on the internet last January. Things went very well with her. In July, I went to met her face to face. In August, she went to Canada, telling me only after she had left. Received a dear john letter from her a few weeks latter.

My friends in Lucea told me that New Year’s Eve in Negril is a very popular place for Jamaicans. So, I changed my plans, added my son on and decided to return home sooner than planned. My hopes were that I would have a good time and meet some women. Do not really like to admit it, but I had expectations of meeting someone. That was one of the reasons why I decided to go anyway and not cancel the trip. Do not feel like I was holding onto it or forcing it or hoping and praying for it, but the expectation was there. New Year’s Eve was fun and crazy, very entertaining. No one new came into my life nor did I make it happen. However, I was able to make a few deeper connections with those I already knew as friends.

My expectations changed greatly after some time on internet dating sites. All of the games and fake profiles soured me. After my first trip to Jamaica, I looked in that country. The people there are looking for something different than the Wyoming/US people. After that person went to Canada, I took a few months to heal and grow and get my head straight. On the internet, what I want and what I will get are far, far way from each other. So, I have had to change what I expect and abandon what I want. What I expect and what I get are the same, nothing. However, I seem to have made a few internet friends. As many people are on these dating sites, it has to be working for someone.

My previous trips to Jamaica brought me inner peace and clarity. I was in need of that this time, but I did not find much. Again, another expectation. What I discovered is that I still have some rejection issues. Expectations turn into assumptions. Those assumptions have been ones of pain and fear of cheating and lying. Situations arise that call for trust and understanding, yet, I react with fear. Time to work on that now. Not sure how I can without other people being involved, but I am sure God will give me the opportunity to continue to grow and heal.

Expectations can be bad things. I will continue working on letting go of them, not making assumptions and allow for what will be to be.