love and depression

In my past blogs, I have mentioned about having a relationship, my last girlfriend, and how I thought she was the ‘one.’ I can see clearly now that I was blind and that things could have been much better. That is my hopes and desires now, to have it much better than it was before. One thing about that period of time then that I want back is that I was not depressed during that 18 months. I can not recall a time in my life that I have not been depressed. Even as a very young child, I can recall always being depressed. For some reason, perhaps due to love, I was not depressed during that time. Oh, lots of events happened then that could have put me down. Yet, it was all just water off a ducks back. Besides, I do not need a reason to be depressed. The event happened, I dealt with it and moved on and did not dwell on it or get down. The bad stuff just did not seem to be bad and the good just seemed to be so much better than good. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off not having that experience. Then, I would not have to wonder about if it will never happen again or that I would miss it so much. It seems like a cruel joke to have that small little taste and then have it removed from me. That is not how I feel, though. I just want it back! I want to enjoy my life, not struggle with it. The past 6 years have been the biggest struggle of my life. I am tired and weary and I just do not want this any more. I seem to be at an impasse or a crossroads. I know that I should not be angry at God or resentful. I know it is foolish. Yet, I can not seem to stop. I do not know what to do. If I did know, I would stop it. I want that love again.