Yesterday, I had a bad day.

Yesterday, Satuarday, July 23, I had a bad day. I was angry again. My new self was buried under my old self.

It has been so very hot here. I do not like it. I feel lethargic and irritable when it is so hot like this. The heat just zaps all of my energy in a very short time. Monday, late afternoon, I got a touch of the stomach flu. With this heat, it has been lingering. Living where I do, the high altitude makes the Sun more intense and the heat feel hotter than actuality. With this stomach flu, I have missed all week of Yoga, and 2 of the 3 days of Spinning. Missing my exercising only added to the lethargy. Somewhere around Thursday, an intense feeling came to me. I felt like I did not want to be here any more. Not just living in this house, but in this city or even this World. Also, I did not want to be who I am now as far as my career choice. This past week, one of my clients has been acting out. He has been argumentative, deviant and rude at times. It has gotten steadily worse. One of my other clients got a job as well and she needed a job shadow, too. Well, I can not do it because of my first commitment. I hired some one to do this. The first day of her work, Friday, my new employee called in sick. I went to go pick-up my client at her job and she had called in sick, too. She did not call me to tell me she was sick. Just a little build up before my bad day Saturday. My son, Trevor was supposed to come over. I planed my whole day around it. His birthday is Tuesday and I will not be seeing him, so I wanted to do some birthday stuff. He called me at 11:30AM and informed me he was working. I asked when he know he was going to be working and he said a few days prior. I asked him why he did not call me sooner, but as per his usual, he did not have an answer. By this time, the anger had consumed me. Then, I missed 2 important phone calls. I wanted to change the oil in my car. The oil pan drain plug bolt is on so tight that I ended up striping it and do not get it off. This seems to happen to every car I have ever owned, or with the oil fliter. The dam repair shops and their damned air powered tools! Those oil pan drain blots should never be that tight! Read a book! I know this. I am used to it. It should not bother me, even on a bad day, but it did yesterday.

This morning I had a little carry-over from yesterday. I am not feeling angry, just lethargic. When I was lying in bed, I was thinking about my career. There is stuff I need to do and get going on with my business but I do not want to do any of it. I did not want to work with these people any more. I do not want to do anything. One of the spirits with me asked me what I would do then for work. I want to be a writer. This has been the story of my life. I have always wanted to be a professional musician or an artist, or writer now, but money and my life path has always gotten in the way. It seems like I am conflicted between what I want to do and my life path. Yes, of course, I can do both, but I have been just wishing to be elsewhere. Frankly, I am just sad and lonely. I have seen some amazing results with my new attitude and my visualizations. I am thinner, more muscular, and I think more handsome. I even have more hair on my 5-head now! I have never, ever before thought of my face as attractive! I look and feel vital and strong! My pants are fitting loose around my waist and tight around my thighs. My shirts are loose around my midsection and tight around my chest and arms. However, yesterday when I was angry, I caught a brief glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked fat and old and ugly. Everyone around me seems to more responsive to me in a positive manner. There are lots of women around me who say lots of nice things to me and make suggestions that they want to be with me. I feel better about myself and about life and that is saying a lot since I have hated myself and life and God for the past 5 years or so. Yet, with all of that, I am still alone. At the places I go with my clients, there are lots of women there who I could and want to be with and they like me, but nothing! I have been visualizing myself being with them, yet, nothing is happening. Honestly, I am not being patient enough. I allowed the negative stuff around me and my loneliness to get to me.

To me, this was very interesting how I looked in the mirror. Really, this is a testimony to how effective positive thinking can be and how the negativity can effect us.