my dream, June 28th, 2005

Wednesday morning, I had an interesting dream. I was at my Grandmother’s house in Guernsey, Wyoming. Guernsey is a very small town, less than 1,500 people today and only 820 when I lived there with her. Grandma Mary’s house was very small, but my family would all gather there on weekends and holidays. She was/is my favorite Grandmother. She crossed over about 10 years ago. Whenever I dream about being at her house, it is nearly always a significant dream for me. When I dream about being at her house, there is usually an important message for me. So, I was inside the house, in the living room, and I had just completed a big task, an old phase of my life. (Grandma was not there and she is usual not in my dreams) I had already begun a new phase, the next level, so I was not stuck in a bardo anymore. That is important for me because I have felt like I have been in a bardo for over 6 years now. Also, I think it is important about the way I was dressed. I had my shirt off and I did not have my big stomach, I had tight ripped abs! My chest and shoulders and arms were very big and muscular. I felt great! I felt good about myself, the best I have ever felt, but I was not complacent. I knew I had more work to do, but I had already started it and had done some work on the next phase. So, I was about to continue with my work when a big grey Owl landed on the edge of the roof, on the gutter. The Owl was being very noisy and calling to me. So, I went outside, hoping to find a feather, a Gift from the Owl. After I got there, I discovered a curse bundle, a voodoo bundle of feathers that as tied together with string. It was meant to cause me harm and to cast an evil spell on me. Then, I found another bundle. It was small sticks tied together by a piece of leather. I found 2 more, 4 all together. I knew that I had been hexed and that what was keeping me down. Not completely, but it did hurt me and effect me in a very negative manner. After I picked the bundles up, I started to “feel” the energy in them to try and determine who put them there and why. Why was easy and the same old story: they hate me and blame me for all the wrong and in their life. Completely moronic, but that is their mentality. Well, my cousins pulled up in a car in the front of the house. I knew that one of them would take those bundles for me and she would destroy them, even though the power and magic was gone from them. I woke up before I found out who.

It sure is nice to know that I have confirmation on moving on and not being stuck anymore. It is great to feel so good about myself. In a Gestalt manner of analyzing my dream, those bundles were myself, they were a part of myself that was keeping me down and harming myself. That part is now gone. I “feel” that it was not entirely my doing, though. Whoever hexed me does not really matter. They will get their Karma.

Anyway, pretty cool!!!

déjà vu

In talking to a friend recently, we were discussing déjà vu. The manner in which she experiences it and the manner in which many people typical experience it is explained as being related to past life’s. They have not been to a certain place before that is supposed to be new to them , yet, when they arrive, everything is familiar to them as though they have been there many times before. In a previous life, they had been there so the memories come through. She said they call them “bone” or “background” memories. She also feels that she has manifested these experiences through her desires to create something for herself. If she wishes to make a new phase or a new part of her life, she visualizes it and then when it begins to happen, it is as though she has already experienced it. My experiences with déjà vu are different. To the best of my memory, they began happening when I was around 18. It seemed to happen most often when I was at work. At that time, I was working in a restaurant and I had just graduated from school. What would happen to me when something happened, I would feel as though it had happened before. I would feel that I had done that exact thing, been at that exact place, done all of that exact same stuff and had said and heard all of the exact same conversations before. Someone, or I, would do or say something and the feeling would sweep over me. At times, it was very intense and very distracting to me. That feeling would startle me and I would just freeze up, saying nothing and just “watch” as it all unfolded. Each word, each event would be exactly as I remembered it. It was like watching I a movie I had seen many times before. Most of the time, everything seemed to become much larger than it was before, as though I was looking at through a very large television screen that magnified everything except myself. Sometimes, I would feel like I had actually shrunk in size, becoming smaller. In all honesty, those experiences bothered me. I would feel like I was going insane or losing my mind. There were times when that feeling would last for as long 5 minutes or longer. With that initial feeling, my heart rate would increase. This is common, I hear, for people who fear the unknown. This is what I was feeling, a fear because I did not understand it. As I mentioned, I thought that perhaps there was something wrong with me. Many people experience these types of things and for a time, they feel like they are the only ones that it happens to and they do not speak of it for fear of being considered crazy. I did not understand it, so would try to just calm down and just return to my work, waiting for that feeling to pass. Then, one night while visiting with my fellow co-workers who became my friends, we started talking about it. One person named Gary said that it is called “déjà vu” and that it effected him in the same manner as me and that it was effecting him the same as me. Somehow, knowing there was an actual word for it helped me to feel better. The knowledge of knowing that others experienced it made me feel less fearful of it. It would take several years before it did not frightened me when the feeling first began. On some rare occasions when I was not so nervous about it, I would notice that I could change them, or so I thought. I would know that I had said something before I was to say it, so I would say something else. At first, I thought I was being clever and making it go away. Then, I discovered that I was not actually changing it and by me saying something different, it intensified that feeling of having done so before. After that time period for me, they began to not occur so much. Then, several years latter, they began to happen often again to me. At this time in my life, I had just quit drinking alcohol. I was becoming increasingly interested in “extraordinary things” about life. This time, when the deja vu occurred and that initial fear left me, I tried to understand it. Understanding it meant allowing all of those feelings to flow through me and to not ignore what was happening. It was tough at first working through that fear. Before, I would just accept that it happened and not think anymore about it. This time though, when it first started, I began to noticed that it was truly something I had experienced before. That feeling of fear would be replaced by a calm feeling of knowing, yet, I was still very puzzled and very curious. I stopped feeling smaller and everything round me did not feel, look or seem larger. Knowing I had experienced the event before made me wonder how and why. After a few years of paying close attention to the feeling and the events, I began to establish a connection between the deja vu events and my dreams. Albert Einstein said that deja vu is our conscious mind catching up with our sub-conscious mind. He said that we can sometimes experience our life’s in our sub-conscious mind before we do in our conscious minds. This is very similar to what my friend was saying about her making a plan for herself and then latter bring them to her. So, I found out that I have actually been dreaming these events. Somehow, my spirit is traveling into the future and I am watching these events unfold. When they happen in my wakened state, latter on, I have that sensation of knowing it because I have actually viewed it before! That answers the “how” question. Now for the “why.” This has been a process for me of learning in steps and phases. Now that I knew about the dreams, I started to recall when I actually had the dream! Many times now, I am able to actually know what day and what time period of my life I had the dream. Sometimes, I can remember the exact day and time of the dream. To answer “why,” it is important for me to recall what was happening in my life during the time of the dream. The dreams come mostly during when I am napping. I am unsure why, but it seems that most of the deja vu events are dreamt of during afternoon or late morning naps. In which case, that means at time periods when I am probably not working as much and I have extra time for naps at that time of day. Not working so much means to me that at that time period for me, there is lots of time I am spending alone or worrying about money or my life or my future. Often times, during those periods, is a time when I was trying to redefine myself or to find out more about my inner self and my inner thoughts and my life’s path. One day after I had gotten out of such a period, I had begun going back to college to get my degree in psychology. My school advisor suggested that I do some volunteer work. You see, I could get college credits for volunteering in a place that was related to my degree. So, I began helping at a place called “Special Friends” that helps disadvantaged youths in my city. It was a mentoring position. One day, while helping with one of the group activities, I had a deja vu feeling that last for over 20 minutes! It was distracting at first, but I tried hard to focus on it. That is when I first discovered that it had been from a dream. During those times of inner reflection, I would dream about the future because there was much uncertainty for me. Traveling to the future would give me peace and bring me knowledge that everything was going to work out fine for me, on a sub-conscious level anyway. The deja vu’s are/were confirming that my life is moving in the direction that it should be and that I am doing the “right” thing. One obvious question would be how do I remember those dreams right after I have them and to have that peace consciously at that time and moment, not having to wait for latter. As I mentioned, this all has a been a slow process with each step taking years at times to develop for me. The past 6 years or so, I have tried to remember those dreams. There have been times when I recall them when I initially wake up, but they just do not make any sense to me. I see myself doing things in places that I do not regionalize. I see people I have not met yet. Sometimes, I am doing something somewhere that I know, but I do not understand why or how I came to be doing that. When I have the deja vu, it all becomes very clear to me. Those dreams usually take years to come to pass. On some very rare occasions, the dreams do not happen at all. Perhaps I am wrong about them not happening and it is just not time yet. Sometimes, they come to be after only a few short months. No, I do not often remember the dreams these days. The occasions of my remembering the dream and then it happening are very seldom indeed. However, when I do have them, it is fun. I get to have the understanding of how and why that was so puzzling before. These events may seem insignificant to most people, but to me they are important. No, it is not like saving a life or changing the World or anything so melodramatic as that. There have been some rare occasions that I have had a deja vu of having a deja vu! It sounds weird, but it is true! It was disturbing at first when this happened, but I began to see that it is like layers, like sheets of thin paper stacked on top of each other. I have been to witness these particular events many times. There have been some very rare occasions when I can recall the dream from the deja vu being from my early childhood. I can even recall one deja vu that happened about 8 years ago that the dream was when I was perhaps 6 years old! Of course, not all of my dreams during naps are me “traveling to the future.” The deja vu seem to occur much more often during a certain time period and not at all for periods of time. One good thing about it now, it does not disturb me like it used to do.

So, what does it all mean?

Free Will and predestiny

My believe is that major “events” in our life are “predestine.” Yes, of course, there is also Free Will and yes, we can make our own futures and life’s. I believe in re-incarnation. Thus, we can “plan” or “pre-arrange” certain aspects of our life’s before we come back, all in accordance to God‘s Plan. However, if one is bound to lots of negative Karma that was created in previous life times, those choices can be very limited, perhaps even not at all. Certain characteristics and personality traits can carry over. If one has lived many life times and has chosen to learn their lessons, thus “evolving,” then those lessons will carry over to the next life time. If one becomes “evolved” to a certain level, then they are able to “remember” those past lessons. Eventually, those lessons will run out, we will have learned all we can from this particular “dimension.” Then, it is time to move on to the next. Some call it Heaven, some call it Nirvana, but it does not really matter the name. It is simply the goal and the next level. What about those who choose not to learn? What about those who spend many life times doing horrible things to others and themselves? Eventually, their chances will run out and they will not be given any more tries at life. Sad, unfortunate, believe it or not, it happens. For those who are doing their best to learn and grow, we have the opportunity to do some “planning” and “pre-arranging” certain events and aspects of our new life. For example, we may plan to meet our “soul mates,” plan our career, plan for things of this nature in order to learn certain lessons. We can do this “planning” ourselves and also with others. For example, perhaps in a former life time, someone helped us out. That “help” was very important to us. Therefore, we “owe” them our gratitude in returning that “help.” That is only fair and only right in accordance to Karma. Not all “help” needs to be rewarded or returned, so that is between the 2 people. I have heard this called “spiritual contracts.” There is Free Will to choose. Sometimes, people decide to not fulfill their contracts. Either through misperceptions or fear, they choice to not do any of it or just part of it. That does not make them “bad” people, but there are always consequences for our choices and actions. Yes, we have the Free Will to do as we please, there is freedom of choice, but there are consequences to our actions. If a person decides to not fulfill their contract, they are choosing not to learn, thus, they will have to try it over again. Imagine loaning someone money, someone who is destitute and that small amount of money you give them means the difference between fulfilling their life lessons or having to try all over again. Sounds important, does it not? Perhaps you may feel it un-necessary to have that favor returned. Of course! You are modest and you love God. That is only right after all! Imagine now that you are the person who is destitute and you need that small loan. Imagine now again that the other person does not want to give the money to you, the same person you helped out before. If you can “remember” all of that, then you will know it is okay and that somehow you will still be able to learn and you can forgive because you understand. If you can not “remember,” you may develop resentment. A person is your “soul mate” in this instance, just as they can be your spouse. Your children, your parents, even your very close friends, are “soul mates.” We might make new ones, we might lose old ones. Free Will, our freedom of choice, is what brings us closer to God and those higher levels. That same Free Will can push us farther away, too. However, some of the events that have been “pre-arranged” or “planned” do not always seem like a choice we make now in this life time. That choice was made before, which insures Free Will. In that way, if we can “remember,” the knowledge of “remembering” helps us to understand why we feel like we have no choice and why all of our efforts do not bring us to our goals and desires. We hear this all the time, keep trying, not matter what and you will succeed. Not always true. We can bang our heads against that wall until we die and never learn our lesson and therefore have to come back and try it again. We choose to not learn and to fight our “fate” we get to come back and try again. Sometimes, we can feel like we are being “forced” to make it happen. The arrangements keep us from deviating from our “pre-arranged” course or path. At times, we can feel like we are being treated like children who can not make their own choices. We can feel like we are being oppressed and forced to do something we do not want to do or at the least, not what we would like to do. At times, we can feel that we have no idea what it is we are “supposed” to be doing or learning. There are lots of distractions in life that are “designed” to detour us from our “paths.” Call it evil or Satan or temptations, no matter the word, those distractions are there and they can prevent us from learning our life lessons. However, they can also help us to learn and grow, thus being a part of the “Plan.” In that way of thinking, like it or not, evil is a part of God’s Plan. There is no better an example of distractions from our growth than money. The “real trick” is to learn how to continue growing and work through the distractions. Make lots of money and still continue to “evolve” our minds and spirits. Face it, when we die, we take nothings else with us but our sprits, our souls, and our knowledge, and of course, our love and fears. To learn to live and grow and to conquer our fears and to reach higher levels of love and to share that love is the ultimate goal.

Just my believes. You can choice to believe how you want.


I believe I wrote this because I felt like I needed to “remind” myself.

another dream

Had this interesting, very realistic and intense dream about Shanon last night. In my dream, I was able to go back in time and relive my life. I choose to go back and make sure that we had a love relationship and that we got married. I knew the old future and I was determined to make sure that if she and I had something even more special than before. Well, we got together and we had just begun to form our relationship. We were seating together and she got up to do something. When she left, I asked myself, “Will she live longer this time so we can be happy together or will she still die?” I got up to follow her and noticed that my shoes were off. I thought to put them back on, just in case she did die again and I would therefore be prepared. However, I did not put them on, just carried them with me. When I turned around, she was at the top of some high, rocky cliff. She fell. Not just feel, but bounced off many of the rocks, and hit the bottom that was full of big jagged rocks. She bounced off of those, yelling and screaming, bones cracking and landed between some very large rocks and a small tree. I ran over to her, but I knew she was already dead. However, she was still talking and moving around; like one of those stories you hear about how the person’s adrenalin keeps them moving and talking for awhile after. She had jumped back up onto her feet immediately after landing and told me she had to go home now. She began trying to climb the rocks. I told her to just stay there and I would help her. So, I sat down, and started putting on my shoes. She was already dead and I could nothing to safe her, shoes or no shoes. As I got my left one on, that is when I woke. I woke with a startle and my heart was beating very fast. It took me a very long time to get back to sleep.

In analysis: I would say it was telling me that certain things about life are predestine and will happen no matter what. My going back in time only resulted in it being worse for me because I actual witnessed her horrible death. It was worse for her, as well. The shoes are a reminder of how, at times, I ignore my intuition and thus end up not being prepared and having a harder time of it. If I had taken the time to put my shoes on before following her, would I have witnessed her death? Perhaps not, but she would have died just the same.


All day long I have felt like I lost her all over again.


Would it not be nice to go back in time and to know then what I know now? In some ways, yes, I suppose. In other ways, no, not at all.

If we knew the exact time and place and the how of our death and we knew we could not change it, would we go? I would because I think that it would only be worse and not just for myself, but others. At the least I would like to think I would, anyway.

an interesting "Horoscope"

"How strange and unsettling is the call for freedom. Feel it rippling in your heart. Feel it calling you to explore the experience you've been craving for. This is, at its essence, the theme of your life: the quest to be freed from structure enough to actually do, feel and see the worlds you had not dared to touch in the past, or that you were not allowed to. Now is very likely the time. Your relationships are poised to become as creative, passionate and chaotic as your work life has been, and your work is about to narrow to a point of what could reasonably be called success. All of it speaks to escaping the established patterns of your life fast and all at once, then doing it again, and again. It's amazing how good you can feel once you've survived the bottom falling out, once you've decided that judging others harshly is pointless, and once you know that other people are not really the ones inspiring you: that the source of curiosity and the yearning for release is all your own. Decisions must, as you're learning quickly, have a basis. Choice is guided by a much deeper reference set that has little to do with supposed outcomes; rather, the impetus to be whole/holy is the beacon. Several times in these four seasons, you'll be able to stop completely and know you can move in any direction whatsoever; each will be followed by a cascade of changes. Make a decision and trust it. You may fear that this process won't be easy for partners, but I assure you they can keep pace. Trust, as well, that your most powerful meetings will happen on a schedule of cosmic convenience. They will happen, and powerful is an understatement."


Seems to fit me fairly well.

After some consideration of the topic from my previous blog, I have come to a conclusion. If I am doing what she suggested, then I am doing something right. If my clothing and my hair style will bring to me the type of person that I would much prefer, one who is not shallow, then I am doing something right. There is no need to change, even if I did want to make changes. Therefore, it is not me and there is nothing "wrong" with me. I am just meeting the “wrong” people. I need to meet the “right” ones.

From the "ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer" department

Yesterday I asked one of my fitness instructors, who is female, why woman are not attracted to me. Is there something wrong with me? She told me that my “look is out of date.” My hair style is out of date and so is the way I dress. I had on a new shirt and fairly new pants. How could they be out of date if I just bought them new a few weeks ago? So, I asked her, is my shirt out of date. She said I dress like a hippy. My shirt was not tie-die, but a semi-formal, business style, shirt with a collar and a pocket and a conservative blue color. Because of my long hair, many people call me a “hippy.” Maybe I share many common believes and values as a “hippy,” but I have never considered myself to be a “hippy.” She said that because of my long hair, I do not look like a “real” man. When I was an adolescent, all my friends and my family had the opinion that only a man with long hair is a “real” man. My hair is who I am and it is not about some status symbol. So, I told her this. She said, “So, it is not about a hippy thing?” I said, “No, it is more of a Native American thing.” She told me that woman like to see a guy who at least tries to take care of himself. I was beginning to become offended. My clothes are usually always clean and in good shape. I keep my hair combed, clean, and pulled back and I am always clean shaven and I spend a lot of time in the shower cleaning myself. Ask my mother. She gets angry with me for talking too long of showers. So, I asked her, “Do I look like I do not care about myself?” She said no. “Do I look like I put some effort into my appearance?” She said yes. Finally, she said something intelligent. She said that if I changed that it would attract shallow women to me. At least, she knows better somewhere inside her. I told her that sometimes it is better to be alone than in a bad relationship. She agreed. I do not want to, nor have I ever, wanted to look like everyone else. I have always felt different and I like it this way. The rest of America should be more like me and less like Hollywood.