my son and Mr. C

Since my son was a child, ( we divorced when he was only 4 months old) my ex has been giving me the same old routine. When we first got divorced, she wanted to make her new husband my son’s father. After that did not work, she stopped pushing, but kept playing the game. As my son got older, she resorted to calling me only when there is a ‘crisis.’ Never to tell me he is doing well or joined some sports team or had a school play or he was sick; no, just for the huge issues. Mostly what it comes down to is she calls me when she can not handle the situation herself or she is very frustrated and can not think of any solutions. Even before I obtained my BA in psychology and my professional training with troubled youths, she would call at these times. At first, her drama effected me, but now I just take it with some salt. I do not even stand back and ask why any more because I know it is the residue of her selfishness from my son’s early years and her resentment toward me from our failed marriage. However, there is another aspect of this that sometimes bothers me. Each time she has called and complained and rambled on, she has divulged some information about my son’s behavior that I was previously unaware. Some of it has been significant enough to warrant concern on my part and has caused me to wonder why she, or he, did not tell me about it before. For example, he shot out their neighbor’s window to their house with his BB gun. I found out about that a few months after the fact ( actually she did not remember exactly when it happened, so that gives an indication that the length of time was perhaps longer). I can see where my son would not report to me such incidents. Who can blame him? Would I have done so at his age in that situation? Most likely not and I am not saying he should. However, whenever there has been some ‘reporting’ to do on my part, I have done so in a timely manner, as in telling her at the end of my visitation time. Yet, there are some occurrences that I have not mentioned to her because I took care of it and I did not feel the need to have her input. Just depends on the severity and of course, I try to treat her as I wish to be treated. My son’s best interest comes first and foremost. Last night, 3-16-2006, she calls me on my cell phone. I was at the YMCA volunteering during their annual major fundraising event. I was busy, but I am expected to drop everything and adhere to her drama. If she calls, then it is only to ‘report’ about my son’s negative behaviors. She calls for nothing else ( of which I am very appreciative). She informed me that he had “run off” from home for 2 days and missed some classes at school. Then, she informs me that at an unknown time, he came home stoned. He admitted to smoking pot. Last week, she found 2 empty alcohol bottles in the back of his vehicle. The night he took off, my son had become angry with her husband because he “asked” my son to stop texting on his cell phone while they were out eating dinner at some restaurant. That cell phone and text messaging as been an issue here with me as well. He does it non-stop. While we eat, while we watch movies, while we are in the car, even at the theater. Of course, I made some “house rules” about that and we discussed it and he has stopped doing it so much. Last night, he became belligerent (something he has done only once with me, yet something he does daily with her and her husband) and then “jumped out of the car on the way home.” He spent the night at his friend’s house and then refused to “come home.” Actually, he just went to another friend’s house and was not answering the phone. They confiscated his cell phone, so I can only assume she meant the friend’s phone. My suggestion was to just go over and get him. To me, that was my first thought. Not so for her, I guess. I further suggested that if he choose not to go with her, that I would go and get him. She called me an hour latter and said he came home with her. My son and her husband have had lots of fights. In fact, from about age 10 to 14, that guy would call with his drama and his anger and make comments such as “your son” and “my house,” the typical uncaring step-father antics. He would call at 10 AM and yell at me, sometimes calling me names, and demanding I take care of the situation right then and there. Thankfully, those days have ended, but I still get ‘crisis’ phone calls. To me, there is no surprises with this other than the drugs and alcohol stuff. That is a huge concern for me. I have not spoken to him yet. When he gets here tonight, we will have a few long talks. Last night and this morning, I was upset because I was hoping he would avoid my mistakes with drinking and drugs. Thus far, he has and one time of him trying should not be a major concern, but does warrant attention on my part. Ironically, my son has not done any of these things with me. Now, for the past 2 years since he started high school, there has grown some distance between us. He does not talk to me so much any more, but then, he never really told me his secrets or his problems before. Sure, if I asked and then it was vague and devoid of details. Yet, lately, his attitude has been very poor. He seems angry and aloof and distracted. In my opinion, just typical angry teenager behavior. Oh yes, I monitor it and make suggestions here and there. In that respect, the apple has not fallen to far from the tree, although I was hoping he would roll some distance beyond the trunk and roots. I had been hoping he would be the me now and not the me back then when I was his age. By his age now, a junior in high school, I was a junkie and had been for about 3 years. Not living on the streets, but a ‘functional’ junkie. If he has only smoked pot once or even 20 times, he has indeed fallen far from the tree, just not as far as I had hoped. I have been very careful to not allow Mr. Cynical to affect my actions and behaviors and words with and around my son. Certainly hope there is no “genetic link.”