can we love

When I am angry, I cloud everything. Frustration makes me angry, very little else. That feeling of being hopeless or not in control or unable to know what and how and where and why becomes an ugly beast of burden instead of a magic carpet for me to fly around to see what fun and excited adventures are waiting for me. When frustration takes hold, all I can see is the negative. Nothing will be good, nothing has ever been good, everything is bad, everything will always be bad. A very typical 'all or nothing' cognitive distortion. (learned that in college I did, funny that I was always living it)

The past few days though, I have not been so frustrated, just flustered and confused. I made a resolve, before New Years and while in Jamaica, to make a good strong effort to find someone to love. So, again, I signed up on some dating website. I did some looking, but I only wrote to Jamaican women. Why? Because I fell in love with Jamaican people and the women there seem to be a very good match for my wants and desires. I got several quick responses. I have gotten some e-mails and even spoke on the phone to one. Yeah! Well, I got a letter from some ‘woman’ who lives in Africa last week. I do not know who the person is in those photos, but WOW! After seeing her, all other women just seem ordinary. Yet, there was just too much wrong with this. I wrote back and after only 2 e-mails, they asked for money. That is where I began to become flustered and confused. Everything began to get very cloudy. Clarity became a commodity.

Yesterday morning, 1-14-2006, something very interesting happened. I was having this intense dream. I do not remember any details from it, just that I was very busy doing some type of work. At some point, I recalled slightly waking, then turning over to face the opposite direction that is toward the wall during the dream. I was headed for some seriously deep REM time. Then, I psychically felt some one poke me on the back of my shoulder with their finger. One of those type of ‘excuse me can I have your attention please’ pokes. As I quickly woke-up, I could ‘see’ a woman, but not sure who, behind me. As I became more awake and logic took over, I thought it was my son, so I woke-up and turned to face the direction of the finger. There was no one there. About 5 minutes later, my cell phone rang.

Latter that day, I was able to find some clearly, well actually, last night. With the clarity, I got some messages. Focus only on Jamaica. Very early this morning, I had an interesting dream just before I got up. There was tons of tan colored blocks, set-up like stairs. They were large enough for me to stand on them, which I was doing and walking along. Each one of the blocks represented a relationship of mine of all sorts. Not just girlfriends, but people I have written to in other countries, or friendships or working relationships, n' 'nat. They also represented different parts of the World. As I walked around on them, descending South, I could recall who and what I learned from them. Symbolically, I was moving past them. After I had stepped on all of the blocks, reviewing, I reached the last 4. There were no more left. Causally, I slowly stepped down onto the first one, being very careful and fully aware. All directions were in my sight, all sides, above and below. Above me, clear blue warm sky. Below, clear blue ocean water. Then those last 4 separated from the all the others and began to float out to sea, above Jamaica. The blocks all turned black. They began to slightly reshape representing certain body types. One was a woman who is a little over weight with very large breasts. Another, average. The last two, thin and petite. All very good people and worthy of my love. Sorry to sound so arrogant, but that has been the big issue. I have lots of good things going on for myself and I can give tons of love, yet, I seem to be meeting only those who can not accept nor return that love. One of those blocks is my 'her.' Two of those blocks, I know already are not right, the last two, one of them is my 'one.' I woke up with the confirmation I got from my messages last night “focus on Jamaica.” The dream suggests that I have already made contact with her through the internet.