me and Mr. Cynical

Within me are 2 very distinct people. They are as different as dark and light, night and day, good and bad. They both are aware of each other’s existence. At times, they seem to forget how the other thinks and feels, but that awareness is still there. At times, the awareness is far below the surface, way out of mind. At other times, it is very near, clearly in mind. One person I will call the “Cynical” one, the other, the one I wish to always be. Mr. Cynical comes along at any time, any place, for seemingly, no reason. When I am ‘he,’ I am angry, frustrated, confused, bitter, resentful, depressed, self-loathing, foreboding, do everything wrong and do nothing right, very low self-esteem and self-image, fat, ugly, stupid, bald, old, unworthy of love and full of fear. The worst of all possible situations is not just some remotely possible, but the absolute truth and what will indeed become, beyond any shadow of a doubt, the truth and the way. There is no consoling Mr. Cynical. No positive thoughts nor positive affirmations nor encouragement nor good news nor positive events, not matter how wonderful, nor how recent, can cause him to see any beauty or love or anything good in my life or life in general. ALL is bad and always will be. There is never anything good and will never be. He/I acts out by dropping out, being angry at everyone and everything, especially God, because after all, it is entirely God’s Fault for everything. I hate myself and my life. Even having the awareness of the other guy, the actual truth clearly in mind, is sometimes not enough. This guy, he can not stop himself from being so pessimistically cynical. He seemly has no control over his words. Even with the other guy screaming in his ear, Mr. Cynical can not stop being pessimistic and angry. Now, Mr. Cynical, he is not always so morbidly pessimistic. At times, there are layers or levels of his personality. Sometimes he takes over absolutely, at his fullest extreme, instantly. Other times, he is just sort of, kind of cynical and can be reasoned with, and sometimes, he just drops out. That drop out phase or level, well, he just does not care and takes nap. He goes to bed 12 to 14 hours before he has to be up the next day. We/I have all of these wonderful talents in art and music and writing and have time to do all of this needed/necessary creating, but he just sets there thinking it all a waste of time. He will lie on his bed and thump through the channels on the TV, never really watching, but wishing and wondering and asking why everyone is so damn lucky and he is rubbish. Mr. Cynical has a very distorted perception of what is ‘real’ and what is ‘fact.’ The facts, at times, do indeed support his pessimism, his frustration, his foreboding, his lack of trust. He does not understand why his life is so bad and there is no love. Most times, he thinks he is a good person and deserves love, but wonders why he can not have his desires. Just so unfair! God is punishing him. Then at other times, he hates himself and has multiple reasons why he should not even exist, let alone be loved. No matter how angry or resentful or frustrated, Mr. Cynical knows there is a voice in the depths of his mind that says he is wrong. That God does not hate him or that not ALL is bad. Never say never, right? This other guy, the one I wish to be ‘me’ always; he is a great guy! He is kind, caring, considerate, funny, witty, intelligent, charming, talented, thoughtful, patient, intuitive, happy, and joyful. He has tons of love from all sorts of people and places and things and ways. This guy’s life has lots of ‘great’ and lots of ‘pretty darn good’ and tons of ‘it is all getting much better each and everyday.’ This guy has a calm, deep sense of “knowing.” He “knows” that one day he will have everything he has ever desired. That is all just a matter of time and patients and trusting and some good effort here and there. During the best of times, he forgets all about Mr. Cynical. In fact, he can not even recall how it feels or why he would even consider feeling that way. Mr. Cynical hates the other me. Yet, deep down inside, he wants to be him. Some days, these boys conflict. Mr. Cynical sees it as fighting, where as the other guy, he just views this as a part of life that he is working through and learning to cope with and to improve.