feelings

For about the past 3 weeks or so, I have been experiencing an interesting feeling. What I have been feeling and rather intensely at times, is the feeling of not wanting to be who I am, or where I am at, or doing what I am doing. This feeling has been very intense at times and disruptive. I have even been very frustrated, bordering on anger, from it. I recall feeling this way before, this not wanting to be who I am or where I am at or doing what I am doing. At this point in time, and just as before, that feeling about not wanting to be who I am does not mean who I am physically. I am comfortable with myself, something I can not say has always been here, and I even like myself, which is a huge change from even 6 months ago. These days, I define myself, partly, by my chosen career. I work helping others and that is who I am, but not exclusively. The last time I felt this way was right after I graduated from high school. I had the same job for over 2 years while I was finishing school. I had been thinking about my future a lot, but had not put much effort into it. I just knew I wanted something different with my life. One day that June, I broke up with my girlfriend, quit my job and spent 3 weeks with my grandmother in a different town, Guernsey. When I came back, I still felt the same, but I knew I had to do something about it. A few weeks latter, I cut my hair (it was actually longer then than it is now), got a job and made a ton of new friends. The job was still as a cook, though. Of course, I began to binge drink a lot. Maybe that is more of a what not to do than to follow it. Yet, I still feel that I need a change. That feeling has been making me feel that I do not want to do work anymore. After I quit drinking and began to heal about 14 years ago, I have felt a huge responsibility toward God and the Universe to repay for all of the help and healing I received from Them. That feeling was very intense and deeply engrained. It motivated me to work hard and get through college. It sustained me and defined me and separated me from the others. That motivation is no loner there. Yes, I still wish to help others and to make a positive difference in the World. I just do not feel I owe any one anything. Maybe I am still working on redefining myself. I have begun to understand, in the past few months, that I can have so much more from life, to be rich and have all that I desire, because I do have that right!! I think what is going on with me is that I no longer have any limits on myself. Perhaps I have grown to the point of wanting so much more that my current living situation is no longer acceptable. It was not before, but I was accepting and just let it be. For the past few weeks, I have been unable to get past the initial feeling and to become frustrated. Today, I have been able to feel some of it more deeply. I do not hate myself, which is a huge change from before. I am just unhappy with my current situation. I want a new car and my own place to live and a wife and family. With all of this positive thinking and visualization, I guess I want my external world to match my new internal world.