why I blog

Many years ago, I had a series of very intense very vivid dreams. They were very ‘realistic,’ complete with sounds and smells and bright, vivid colors, even tactile sensations (hot, cold, wet, etc.). These dreams, that I labeled “holocaust dreams,” kept me awake at night and effected my days. I would wake from them feeling very frightened. When I tried to make sense of them I would find only confusion. Sometimes, I would lie awake for hours contemplating life and who I am and 'what It all means.' I labeled them "holocaust" because the dreams were of nuclear devastation. At this time in my life, 1979 - 1981, I was questioning God and the existence of a Higher Power. I labeled myself agnostic. Of course, at this time period we were at the height of the “Cold War” and all of the worries about nuclear attacks from the Soviet Union. Talk of nuclear bombs and war and all of that was inescapable. On the news, no matter which media form, in conversations in the streets or elsewhere, at home or at work or at play, the topic of nuclear war was constant. Where I live, we have an air force base. Within a 150 mile radius of my city, completely surrounding us, were nuclear bomb silos. Thus, we were considered to be at “ground zero.” We all considered ourselves the lucky ones because we would die first and not have to suffer years of nuclear fall-out poisoning. (this was labeled suicidal tendencies by our nations’ psychiatrists of the time). Then we got those MX missiles here. Any one remember those? How can I forget. No surprise then that my dreams were full of nuclear holocaust. My dreams did not have me looking at the bombs drop on my head and me screaming in agony as my molecules vaporized in the searing heat flash. Oh no, I survived. In fact, I was completely unharmed and often the soul survivor. Everything I knew as life was obliterated or reduced to rubble. No where was life, not even a dog or cat or rodent or tree or flower or blade of grass. All life, all vegetation, all animal and insect and human life had been vaporized. Just me walking around. I would wake and wonder: why me? Why did I have to live and be left alone? This happened 2 sometimes 4 nights a week. I would sometimes not get back to sleep. Finally a friend suggested to do as one of his college professors' suggested, and write them down. Just get up right after the dream and write down every small and every large detail. It worked. I placed a note book and pencil by my bed and when I had a holocaust dream, I would write it down, providing as much details as I could. The dreams stopped, for a time anyway. I kept my ’dream journal’ and wrote down the dreams that were to me significant or intense and vivid. As time went on, I would write about my thoughts and feelings and significant events of my life, and not just my dreams. To this day, I still have a journal I keep. Blogging has taken over, perhaps even, replaced my journals.

Thank you all for you time and your comments.