what is right and what is easy

For the past month or so, I have had this interesting feeling. That feeling is just waiting there, crawling around under the surface, snacking on my conscious. That feeling has already devoured my sub-conscious, biding it's time to get out. That feeling is not ready to come out yet and even if it did, I would not allow it. For the past 5 years or so, my intuition has been shot. I have been blocking it with my fears and doubts. Somedays, it is there and I can readily feel it, but not these days. I just tell myself I do not care, but I know I do, very much so, care deeply and want my intuition back. I do not want to be that psychic who does taro readings at the VFW, just a guy who can follow his heart and allow it to guide him again. As I have mentioned, repeatedly and perhaps obsessively, I am tired of being alone and not having a wife/girlfriend/lover. When that feeling surfaces briefly, it tells me that my life is going to be different once I get back from Jamaica. Perhaps, my life will change while I am there. Perhaps I will met someone or perhaps I will just lose some of what keeps me from my intuition. Maybe things will not happen until a few months after I get back, I do not know. I suspect that even if that feeling did fully expose itself to me, I would still not know any of that. Perhaps that feelings purpose for hiding and only teasing me is to make sure that I am ‘aware’ and ‘open.’

The past 2 weeks, I have been frustrated. I have had a strong urge to just take over. I have been just telling myself that getting laid is the answer. Forget about love and a relationship and all of that and just score. After all, I have done my best and have fallen very short of the mark in finding love. I even went on that Adult Friend Finders site and found many possible candidates for my little scheme. Yes indeed, I am going to just get some damn sex no matter if God or anyone likes it. That was my plan, anyway.

Yesterday, Trevor and I went to see the new Harry Potter. It was great! I think it was the best one so far. The movie fell far short of all the details in the book, but that book was the longest to date in the series. Most movies fall short of the books in my opinion. At times, I was glad that I read the book because the movie was a bit confusing at times. There was a quote at the end of the movie that was a 'message' for me. Professor Dumbledore told Harry, "Now things will be a choice between what is right and what is easy.” The right way is always the hardest it seems and the easy way is the one that hurts and damages. If one thinks about Good and Evil, why would anyone want to Evil when it only delivers pain and torture and nothing good comes from it? Evil’s greatest asset is that it is easy. That is why many people take the ‘wrong’ path, because it is so much easier. Going to one of those on-line sex sites is the easy way, not the right way for me. I can easily find someone to just have sex with and then what? There would be a huge price to pay. It would be a step backward, not forward for me.

After that feeling of understanding and acceptance followed through me, I did not thank God but began to become a little upset. I asked when? How much longer? I began telling God that I am sick of waiting so damn long for what is right. Every woman in my life so far has not been ‘right.' So, when? No more do I want some woman who has this little thing here or that big there ‘wrong’ with her that keeps her from being ‘right’ for me.

These times bring up the question for me about Free Will. Do we really have it? Of course, I could do the easy thing, but you know, I have tried. I went on that same site 3 years ago and got nothing. I sent out their version of contacts to every single woman within a 100 mile radius of me. All of them! I got nothing from any of them. Not one! Tell me I am so hideous that no one wants to have sex with me and I will say that is impossible. Sure made me feel like though. What answer for it is there then? Devine Intervention. Can be nothing else. Safe me from myself. So, where is my Free Will then? Why was I not allowed to make that mistake when so many others are? At that time in my life, any sex with any woman would have not been good for me. I needed time to heal and grow. That would have put me back into my rut and then what? So, perhaps deep down I did not want it to happen and some how I made it not happen.

Okay, so I did and I do Thank God for the message. What do I do now? That is the real question. Where is the message for that? Jamaica?