Now that the pain has subsided a little, I think I need to vent. To those of you who read my blogs and make comments, I know some of what I am about to say is not the “Truth” but it is how I am and have been feeling. Right now, I wish more than now than at many other times that I had a good friend to talk to and that could help me get grounded. Someone who would understand all of this. I am open for suggestions and I would appreciate any advise any of you might have for me now.

Trevor's team had a very good year. Last year they only won 4 games. The year before that as worse. In time, this will look much better, but for now, it hurts a lot. Friday night as was I shaking and cold with mild hypothermia from being wet and in the wind and rain and very cold air for 4 hours, I was thinking to myself that that feeling I had then was the most painful and worse feeling I have ever had before. At least, I could not recall it feeling worse. I have know some of these kids for 5 years now. They work so hard. 31 years of frustrations and losing. My brother played for East in 1982. He says he can not remember them winning any games that year. At the game Friday night, there was tons of former grads, former players, all wearing their letter jackets, supporting the team. For them it was a chance to have something special. Central has won State 6 times now, East, 2. Central beats us in lots of sports. They are the ‘rich kids’ school, the kids who seem to have many more advantages than the others. In the over-all record throughout the years, Central holds a nearly 4 to 1 advantage of wins over East. This just does not seem to be fair or right or just. Life is not, but I sometimes like to think that there is some justice in the World. Maybe I am just a fool. Besides all of this, this is my son I am talking about. Show me a parent who odes not want life to better for their children that they had it and I will show one who should not be a parent. The thing that is so confusing and painful is that I really thought I was getting the visualization thing down and that I was finally going to met some one. Now, I have tons of doubts.

I have been working hard at making my life and my situation better. I have taken it upon myself to make my life better. I have done some reading and studying of proper visualizations. To truly get what is most important in life, one must keep in mind that what they are striving for must be in the best interest of not only themselves, but for everyone. I have no idea what is in the best interest of ALL so I have to relie on the One who does know. I know that when something is lost, something else better is gained. It has been very hard for me these past 6 year plus to see how I am getting anything better. At times like this, all I can see is how I lose and nothing is gained. I feel like I have a pocket full of IOUs. That is simply not true and today I will focus on being positive.

All day yesterday I was just telling myself that God does not care about fair and justice. I was thinking that no matter how hard I try, that God will allow the worst things to happen to me. I was feeling that no matter how good of a person anyone is that bad things happen. That is just life, but I thought I was finally getting somewhere with my hard work. I was just finally starting to trust God again and then this happens. To be honest with you, I do not want to try anymore. I was hoping and visualizing meeting someone and finally moving out of my parents house and having a decent car and a life. Now, I have tons of doubts about it.

What choices do I have? None. I have to go back to trying. I could go back to being a drunk junkie piece of worthless nothing. Believe me, the desire hit me like a ton of bricks Friday night. I could just give up on all my hard work and myself and God, but then what? It will be worse than now, just like it was 4 years ago. I could be un-employed and sicker than ever and alone and.. NO! I can not go back. I have to keep trying. However, I am a firm believer in Yoda’s words: “Do or do not; there is no try.” So what do I do? What I am doing wrong? What I am doing right?

If I am one to believe in a struggle between Good and Evil, than this was a perfect opportunity for Evil to kick me in the nuts and put my dick in the dirt. Lack of Faith and Trying is the best way for Evil to prevail. I have to riase above this. A part of me wants to just have a good cry. Somehow though, I feel like crying would only make Evil smile and not get me anywhere. No, I am not being macho about crying. I know it helps, but for some reason, it does not feel 'right' right now. Evil has not just hurt me, but all of those kids and former students and their families. This is more to me than some stupid football game. This is my Faith and Trust in God and a better form of living.