save me from myself

At times, I forget that I am not the type of person who can just have a fling. Even back when I was young and stupid and drunk and stoned, I knew better. Without any emotional attachment, it is meaningless and empty and nothing more than masturbation. If the situation continues, then all kinds of mixed, contradictory feelings are involved. I would find myself loving someone that I did not actually like and become attached to them when it was very unhealthy for both of us. Face it, there has to be love with sex. Sex is an expression of that love. Maybe I am not as "mature" as some of the others, because I know of people who can just have sex and walk away. I think that the vast majority if those people are fooling themselves. In any case, ALL of my past attempts at sex without love have been nothing short of painful and confusing and have not only impeded my growth, but caused regressions. In my weak moments, I have reached out in desperation only to fail. God has saved me from my foolishness. Therefore, it is not sex I desire so much, but love. I desire touch, not just sex. I need a companion and a friend and a supporter and someone that I can do the same for and to love back. This time alone is needed for me to heal and grow. Perhaps I will know love in a much purer, deeper, higher way than before and also to appreciate it much more. If it was time for me to be with her, then I would be so now. God has just been saving me from myself. No, it did not happen so much in my youth, but it is happening now.
As I have mentioned above, "one who conquers oneself is might." I am my own worst enemy.