zombies and love

All around me are “couples.” Happy or not, dysfunctional or “normal” or true love, they surround me. Even though I see many that are far from true love, they seem to mock me. It is worse to be in a lousy, painful, draining, dead-end relationship than to be alone, but it still seems “wrong” that I work so hard and I am alone. Last night my son and I watched “Shaun of the Dead,” a funny spoof on the reanimated dead humans turned human-flesh-eating zombies that infect the non-zombies movies. This movie focused on the underlying premise of the movies: brain-dead humans who blindly, miserably, stumble though life. They are like sheep or gulls, that follow the others because they are to weak or ignorant to lead their own life’s. Even if it means destroying (eating) their life’s and those around them. I have been there and done far too much of that. Yet, my temptations to find a sexual partner draw me toward zombieizm. Then, I recall the pain of the past. Then, I ask God, “Well, why not a healthy sexual relationship then?” Others do it. My friends tell me, “You can do that and why are you not? What are you stupid or something? You are only hurting yourself. Get out there! Hunt! Kill!” Last week, I obtained a membership to the YMCA and began a weightlifting class. So far, out of the 3 I have attended, I am the only male in the class. 4 of the women in my weightlifting class are attractive and interesting. In fact 2 are very interesting indeed, yet, all of them are married. This is an example of how it has been for me. I listen to my friends and my hunger, then give in and make an effort to find a sexual partner and that is the result. If I breakdown and go onto one of those websites to find a sexual partner, the result will be nothing. I know, I tried. Just like a woman at work. At first, I was saying “no,” and then, she pushed and made it sound so good and "right" so I gave in and said “yes,” then she said “no.” I am very hungry too, I very much miss human physical contact, I NEED touch, but no matter how hard I try or how little, there seems to always be divine intervention. To be honest, I do not fully understand why. I seek true love and a wife and a best friend and best lover (yes, all in one person, can you image!), not just a fling, no matter how healthy and mature the two of us. It has been over 5 years now for me. 5 years! At one time, I was unemployed and spent 23 hours a day alone in my bedroom of my parents house; alone with no one but my thoughts and depression and loneliness. At one point I just got to where I wanted God to allow me to either live (because I was not) or let me die (because I was all but not breathing). Not dead, not living, just stuck in a bardo, like the undead, only I was not eating and infecting others. So, this is a little frustrating at times. The type of love I seek is hard to find and those others are just feeding their dead life’s. What has worked well for me is to focus on and be thankful for what I do have now and allow for whatever else to come. In fact, saying a “thank you” prayer to God for everything, small, tinny or huge in my life. Sometimes I forget that what God Thinks I need and what I think I need are a bit different at times.