dreams and lack of sleep n'nat

I did not get much sleep last night. To begin with, I was not tired when it was my normal bedtime. I read and did some drawing. I have one last piece to finish and frame. I will have 18 pieces for the exhibit in April. I think that is a good number, but I am thinking of maybe a few more. 18 makes 9 which is a very good spiritual number. However, 21 makes 3 and 3 is my best and favorite number. Still, I was not tired so I watch some TV for a while. That new show "Medium" was on and I watched it. When I used to watch shows like that, I would have all of these "feelings" about me doing something like that in some way. (I used to watch "Millennium" when it was on and "know" that I would be someday.) I just do not feel that way anymore, but I "see" and "talk to dead people" all the time. Maybe it changed, but "they" tellme it will still happen. Anyway, I finally got to sleep, but woke up after only about 2 or 3 hours of sleep. There was this intense wave of energy flowing through me. It felt very good and exciting... I am not sure how to describe it. It was not totally sexual, but somewhat. It was a feeling of extreme happiness and joy, but not the kind that makes my eyes water (ok, cry, but a happy cry). It was going though me in waves, but not out of me, just flowing within in waves. It gave me goose bumps and scrambled my thoughts. I could not see clearly what was going on and I thought I was going back to sleep and begining to dream, but I kept waking up. Then, I smelt smoke. Smoke from a pipe. Not store bought tobacco, but the pure natural type. Sweet, kind of bacon flavored, and not bitter like the toxic stuff from the cigarette manufactures. Then, I could smell sweet grass. I have smelt this before and the guy began talking to me. (when "they" first come to me, I usually “smell” them first. My grandmother always smells like her cooking. The smells are very uniquely her. She was the best cook ever! It is so wonderful a reminder!) He is an old Native American man, a tribal elder, and he has helped me from time to time in the past 5 years. He does not look like the old type, but a modern Native American. He just has on regular clothes and no feathers and stuff. He looks to be in his late 50’s with full thick dark hair and no grey. His hair is short though, not long. Anyway, he said he had bad news. He told me that it would be over a year before I got laid and that there would be no one but my wife for sex. I said, "then that means I will not met her for awhile," and he said yes. This guy first came to me in a group of elders. 12 of them, which is the usual number for a tribal counsel of elders. He helped me to “see” the truth at the times when I was the most angry and resentful. When he was telling me this, I "felt" like it was wrong. That is how it works, usually. A demon will come disguised and tell half truths, but then my intuition tells me they are wrong and then I can "see" their true nature. Then they are “taking care of” to not bother anyone again. When this guy was talking, I saw in my mind "behind" him a woman and happiness. Not a wife, but... not sure who becuase I did not "focus" on her and it did not matter, so I began to speak to tell him I knew he was lying and he started to tell me that he hates me and that I am big piece of sh_t and that... In the past 5 years, I would have agreed with him. In my heart, I would know it as truth. But my heart has been hidden from me, behind a wall of pain and fear and self-loathing and recentment, and I could not clearly "see" anything. This morning, I did not feel like a piece of sh_t. It felt odd and not so comfortable, like a new pair of shoes worn for the first time. He left, smiling. At first I thought he was a demon, but with the help of "others," I realized he was just testing me. I actually laid there in bed and said aloud that I am not a piece of sh_t. Not once in my life have I ever said that, not once. So, I could not get back to sleep and read again for about an hour. But my sleep was broken and I got up again after an hour and drank some cold water. Then, my sleep was still broken. Too many crazy, uncomprehendable dreams. So, I got up early and came to check my e-mail. I still have some growing and healing to do, but this was a big step for me.