Fear of freedom

122 prisoners of war in a prison camp were given a choice for their execution: the firing squad or ‘the black door.’ All 122 choose the firing squad. Why? Because they had clear knowledge of their death, there was no intangibles to fear or ponder or worry about.

What was behind ‘the black door?’ Freedom.

Fear of the unknown keeps us from being free, holds us in our small inner worlds. “We only know what we know. We do not know what we do not know.” Without venturing out and walking through that black door, we are not living.

Do you choice death over freedom?

Yoga weekend

This weekend I drove to Colorado Springs to get certified to be a Yoga teacher. I have been practicing Yoga for coming up on 2 years and I have been subbing for our teacher on occasion. Getting certified in this area is tough with limited opportunities and I have been waiting for over 6 months to get certified. Everybody wants a person to have that piece of paper saying they are legitimate. Colorado Springs is only a 3 hour drive for me, so no problem. I stayed at the Broadmoore, a 5 star hotel, becuase that is where the conference was at. Never done that before and all the extra fancy and extra service was a nice treat. I had to eat in my room because I did not bring the appropriate attire for eating in the restaurants in the hotel. I tried not to think too much about all the possibilities of my $30 cheeseburger I ate, just that it was a good one. I very much enjoyed the big bath tub and the huge shower.

It was great for me to get away from the drama of my daily life and have some time to myself. One great thing about it was there was tons of young attractive women working there who gave me lots of attention. Thought I was back in Jamaica for awhile. I bet they were thinking I have lots of money or maybe they are just getting paid to be nice. Any rate, that helped my self-esteem out tons.

For the 2 day seminar: it changed my life! Any one who has read my blogs of late knows I have had some questions about my life. I have been asking and searching and waiting for answers and I finally got some. The teacher/Yoga master was incredible! He taught us all about Eastern philosophy and all of those things about life that I have always thought was the best way to be. In the last 7 years, I had lost my faith in it. Thank God it had not lost It’s faith in me!!! All of my answers can be found within, just where they were all along. I had stopped trusting and now I have found my way back.

The Yoga itself we practiced was intense! At times I was feeling the best I have ever felt in my whole life! Then, I was crying like I have not in years. We did trance dancing that I wanted to never end. My ohms chant had a big loud tone that surprised me. Sunday we practiced a very fast paced, intense, physically demanding session that rocked!!! I was performing posses I had seen in magazines that I thought I could never do. And did them all on my first try!

Today, I am sore. My back and my legs are sore from setting on my matt for 2 days and the drive home did not help. I moved a ton of blocked energy and all day today I have been exhausted both emotionally and psychically.

The thing about receiving great information is what a person does with it after. Right now, I am just so happy to be found and back on the right Path. Be assured I will do my best to allow this information to do It’s work. Right now, I just need some rest.

Real quick: a few things that are sticking out in my mind right now. First is forgiveness. Who do I need to forgive? Myself. The other is taking full responsibility. Always thought I had been but I can see now I was placing a lot of blame on others. Who mostly? God.

Question EVERYTHING

I am asking why.

Why do we believe in the things we believe? Is it because we know in our hearts it is true and right and just? Or is it that we blindly follow what we are/were taught? Or do we just do what everyone else is doing?

Have you ever questioned all of your thoughts and beliefs? Even some of them? I think we all should question everything.

Our culture, our environment, our social-economic situations, our location, our weather, our past, our heritage, our parents, our teaches, our peers all play a part in our social norms and our belief systems.

What works for people in the United States does not always work for people in other parts of the World. What works for them does not always work for us. What works for people in Wyoming does not work for those in New York or Florida or even Wyoming’s neighbors Nebraska or Colorado.

So who is right and who is wrong? Both? Neither?

If you question your beliefs, really take a good close deep down objective look, what will you find? Perhaps you already have and if not perhaps you should. Go beyond that tired old attitude of “because that is the way it is” and find what is in your heart. Find what is truth and not just because you were told so. The worse that can happen is you will find you have been blindly living a lie. In which case, you will spend some time in confusion and resentment and then find a better way. Or, you will find it was right all along and best for you and only serve to strengthen your resolve. In either case, you will become a better person.

Woke-up yesterday morning…

The clock said 2:13 AM. A feeling of gloom blanketed me. Perhaps it was a bad dream that disturbed me, but after a short recalling, my dreams were not as such. Then the day's date came to mind: February 6th. On this dreadful day, now 17 years ago, my best friend died in an alcohol related car accident. 2:13 AM is the estimated time of death. My mood was, well,… not good.

My emotions for the day wanted me to at times just break down and cry. Depression wanted to take control and have me drop out. Yet, I was able to just work through it. By the time I finished Yoga at 6:30PM, my mood was good.

She was my best friend. We were very, very close, so close that we seemed to know each others thoughts and moods without speaking of them. We were also big drinking buddies. Whatever was within me that drove me to drink excessively, went to the grave with her. If not for that, I would perhaps be dead as well by now, or worse.

This time of the year is tough for me. Sometime around the end of January, I begin to get very depressed. I suppose many people do this time of year, but I have found that the source of mine is due her passing. This year was not so bad though and I feel as if I am working through it. After 17 years, one would think that pain and sorrow would be gone. This year is much better so far because I only had yesterday and not a full month worth of battling depression. The depression was not as disabling as before. Now, all I have to do is make through the funeral date, February 14th, and go on remembering her fondly.

There is a song that brought us together as close friends, one that she loved. After telling someone at work about this day and my experience with waking, that song came on the radio. “Kashmir” by Led Zeppelin.

Follow-ups

A few blogs ago I wrote about doing things out of my normal routine. At that time there were some opportunities for me to possibly date. So, I asked. Of the 3, one is married and too bad because I really like her very much. No, not too bad for her, but for me. She is very beautiful and smart and kind and from Slovenia. The other said yes but has since blown me off. I can take a hint. The last is a lesbian with a live-in girlfriend. I did not ask her out after finding out and she is still very flirty, but that is confusing to me. Maybe she likes it both ways and good for her. To me, if she has a live-in partner that would be cheating. Not sure I want to get in the middle of that anyway even if both are consenting.

So again, I am up against the wall. I have been doing some art and playing my guitar. This weekend I am going to Colorado Springs to get certified to be a Yoga instructor.

In March Neliesha is graduating from college. She is studying to be a nurse. I have been funding her needs for this so I feel it is important that I should go. That will be in March.

Although I have not writing any in the past 3 weeks or so, there have been no responses to my letters on both dating sites I am on and I still seem to attract only scammers. Leaves only Neliesha then and from what I am gathering I should not be even thinking about that as a possibility either.

But I am a rebel, so