Time and decorations

How interesting the changes of time! Things that once were so extremely important that day the next seem to just fade away, gone but to memory. The holiday seasons cause me to reflect (perhaps to much) on the past at times. Today I am noticing that a few things that were once “tradition” a main stay, extremely important, of not only my holiday doings, but of my family’s, are fading or gone. Of course, like many on here, this time of the year is a huge struggle with depression for me. You know, wish I had a special someone to be with or buy a gift for or have sex, that sort of thing. Then throw in the fact that the past month or so I have been going through some major changes, well, here I am bloging about it. Through all of the long and short term relationships I have had, only one was what I consider to be the relationship that I actually gave 100%. Never even thought I could, but hey, that is a different story and there I was doing it. How it relates is that that is one example of what is lost or gone or fading. That relationship was the one that I made the “total commitment.” One major part of it: sharing and combining Christmas decorations. When this relationship ended, 8 Halloweens ago (and now 8 Christmas’ and New Year’s and yadda yadda), I can recall a day shortly after that we met at my storage unit. She was taking her stuff. Her folks were there and I just stood there in quite shock and numbness watching and answering vaguely a few questions. At that time, I had no feelings of like or dislike or care or concern about who‘s stuff was who‘s and all that, but I guess my actions of these past 8 years has told the true story. I can vaguely recall her opening the boxes containing the ornaments and such and her possibly, maybe… well, to be honest, I do not actually recall. All I know is that since then, I have not decorated for Christmas. No trees or stockings or lights, not even cards for a while. This year, same as the others. I am not even sure if I have any decorations any more. Maybe she took all of them, I do not know. If I do have any, I have no idea where they are or what box they might be in or any of that. I have always been a little kid for Christmas. I love to decorate and give gifts and bake and eat and fudge and even the music. Even at 39, I still could not sleep on Christmas Eve. That was then. Today, well, I guess I still care, but there is no passion. I still love to give gifts and I spend way too much money, but that is just a part of it. Yes, this is about Jesus and He is in my heart always, not just one day a year or one day a week, but 24/7. I have my son and that is more than some. I get to buy him gifts and my family, but… The TV commercials and newspaper ads hurt. Oh, buy her this expensive necklace, diamond ring, Mercedes-Benz, whatever so I just stop watching TV and looking at the ads. Yeah, I can do all the damn logical thinking or Dr. Phil “you don’t need anyone to validate yourself” rubbish, but it just does not always seem to help. Makes it worse at times, actually. OK, enough complaining because you all have enough of this. I guess I am just saying that oh how time chances things. This year has not been as bad as the 7 before. In fact, I even caught myself singing to a Christmas song on the radio this morning. Not with much passion or enthusiasm as before, but it is a start. When I was shaving this morning, I was just thinking about how I have not decorated for Christmas in all this time and just where are my decorations anyway?