Depression and creating

As most of you know, I am a creative person. For me, it is not just some aspect of my personality, but a way of life. To me, creating is as essential to my being as food and oxygen. Yet, I do not always create. I have several different venues and mediums that I use to express and release that need within me. I write, poems, prose, songs, blogs, I do art, mostly drawing, and I play music. I own 4 guitars, a bass, a set of drums, a mandolin and 2 harmonicas.

When I am watching a very good movie, I want to create an epic novel, or a series, that is like no others. I know that is within me. I have several books in my conscious that I often think about. I have written a book already and started 4 or 5 others. I have over 20 poems and songs written and many more in my heart. I have been drawing and painting for over 40 years. Right now, there are 3 or 4 pieces begging and clawing and scratching to get out. I play lots of blues and rock and country, but I prefer to make my own songs. I have 4 completed and 3 or 4 wishing, hoping, praying to be finished.

When I have an idea in my head, it eats at me. It consumes my thoughts and concentration. When there is an art piece forming in my heart, it will not leave me alone until complete. Complete means actually tangible. There are times when those pieces, those ideas, scream constantly. I can not eat or sleep or walk or talk until they are released. Right now, 2 books are hollering very loudly. My guitars taunt me endlessly when I am near them. I hear music and say “Oh, how I wish to be playing.” There are 3 drawings yelling and screaming and banging my head to be let go and flourish. So, why am I not doing it?

Depression kills my creativity. Not always, most often times, it just delays it but I know I have lost some good quality pieces from ignoring them for too long. The past few months, I have had some extra time in the afternoons. Have I been creating? NO! I have been doing the one thing in life I can master: naps. I know I have some depression going on, some changes I am going through, but I have done some quality creating while depressed worse than now. I just can not seem to force myself to do any of it. I can not seem to gently persuade myself into doing any of it. I mean, my guitars are setting right here. My books need only be plugged into the USB port. My drawing paper and pastels and stuff are setting right here, right behind me now. So why?