"realizations"

Please, excuse me, I speak about this a lot on here. A few nights ago I had some further insight that is important to me. Please, permit me to share. I have been ill since Friday and it is now Wednesday. Yes, I have been to the doctor and apparently I have the same influenza as the others here. This flu is some pretty ugly stuff. Monday, after the doctor and the “couple” below, I came home, took the first dosage of antis and soon felt much better. Normally, an illness this intense has a weakening effect on my mental state, as it does with most others. This time for me, it has not happened in the usual manner. In fact, although my chest hurts from coughing, all of my muscles ach and I am unable to do nearly all of the things I like to do. (For example, finish the little art project we have going here. The Blue Lady is patiently looking back at me near my bed. She is telling me she will require very little effort to “complete.”) In spite of my illness, I am feeling in good spirits. However, after trying to get back to sleep early Tuesday morning, I became frustrated, then my former angry resentful self. Thoughts of money were filling my head. It appears that I can not catch a break. The trip to the doc and the antis set me back $250. Yes, I am like an ever increasing amount of American’s, without insurance. I have now lost 3 days wages for a total of $290 net. I am already way too far behind and I have bills I can not negotiate for latter that are do very soon. At some point during my early growth and learning in the past 15 years, I promised God and myself I would do God’s Work and ask for nothing in return. It seemed only right. However, we all know that rewards wait for us in the next life for our hard work now. We are preparing ourselves a place that is far more comfortable, lovely, kind, and “higher” than some others. In death, in the afterlife, people like us who “work for God” we will be some of God’s “highest” Angels/Sprits and continue helping and doing so with tremendous strength. Maybe we will not even have to do anything but enjoy our positions. We are all doing God’s Work, but as I have mentioned before, is it the solution or the problem? Also, I see this as a chance to pay-off any negative Karma I have built up from this or any life time and a chance to not have to come back. Many people who I talk to this about say they want to come back and continue learning here. I want to NOT come back here to this dimension but to move on to the next level and learn and evolve there. That is perhaps one of the things that kept me from suicide. I do NOT want to come back here! Between my previous life time and this one was about a 60 year gap. I spent that time helping from the other side. That is where I think I should be, that is where I know I should be! I want to go back. That has to be earned. This time, when I return, I will have better understanding. At any rate, after acting like a spoiled little brat and a victim for about 2 hours, screaming, yelling, cussing at God and all of the “Spirits” who came by, I came to “realization.” As I have mentioned, in the last 5 plus years, my life has been the worst ever. All of my work after I quit drinking and began to focus on my spiritual and mental self seemed to accumulate into meeting K. For that 18 months, I was living my “reward.” Then, it all stopped and up until the past year, everything stopped working for me. All that I knew was gone. All of my tools broken and scattered about. It was a total “loss” and now a “rebuilding.” Looking back now through this “realization,” I can see now that on some of those things, I was naive. Not so now. Now, I have been forced to question those things I did not before and choice to blindly accept. Finding the new formula has been tough. Last night, though, I “realized” that my “reward” time with K was limited. I had limited myself and restricted myself to minimal successes. For example, with my art. I used to feel hindered, like I could not create, if I was to sell my stuff. Now, I understand that I can sell it and not be "all about the money." There can be both and not one or the other. People are going to like it and want to buy it. People will not like it. I never used to worry about if any one liked it or not and thought that would be an issue in selling my stuff. Now, I see selling it as compliment or a “reward.” Art is in the doing, so if I never sell it yet I like it and I got my needs meet doing it, then I have already succeeded! If I am going to get out of here, get my own place and my own car and a life, I need to accept that what I am doing can come with money. Asking God to “reward” me for my work with money here in this human place is not “wrong” like I thought before. If I have to continue living here in this place, in this dimension, then I need earthly things. I deserve those things! I will get those things from my work and not just some minor amount or barely enough! I want to make a lot of money doing what I love and not JUST be satisfied with doing it. I can still do God’s work and receive God’s “rewards” and get money too. This has been tough for me to learn. Yes, of cousre, I need to remain humble. During that time of learning growth before K, I knew what my path was and followed it. After K, most of it has changed. More actually like evolved into something different, yet in the same field on the same path. For example, I thought that one day I would have my own clinic, my own “shop” that helped others. I thought I would be doing it through psychotherapy. Now, it is through helping those who are disabled. Still in psychology, still helping and I can still use my “gifts” to make it better and my more effective in helping them. I have already begun. I have my certification and my first client. As long I as I remain patient and flexible and stay on the path, it should work-out to be a large place, or a “shop” or clinic. Many things can happen.

It has been a long hard road.

Last night, I asked God to help me find my way to this and to money.