can we love

When I am angry, I cloud everything. Frustration makes me angry, very little else. That feeling of being hopeless or not in control or unable to know what and how and where and why becomes an ugly beast of burden instead of a magic carpet for me to fly around to see what fun and excited adventures are waiting for me. When frustration takes hold, all I can see is the negative. Nothing will be good, nothing has ever been good, everything is bad, everything will always be bad. A very typical 'all or nothing' cognitive distortion. (learned that in college I did, funny that I was always living it)

The past few days though, I have not been so frustrated, just flustered and confused. I made a resolve, before New Years and while in Jamaica, to make a good strong effort to find someone to love. So, again, I signed up on some dating website. I did some looking, but I only wrote to Jamaican women. Why? Because I fell in love with Jamaican people and the women there seem to be a very good match for my wants and desires. I got several quick responses. I have gotten some e-mails and even spoke on the phone to one. Yeah! Well, I got a letter from some ‘woman’ who lives in Africa last week. I do not know who the person is in those photos, but WOW! After seeing her, all other women just seem ordinary. Yet, there was just too much wrong with this. I wrote back and after only 2 e-mails, they asked for money. That is where I began to become flustered and confused. Everything began to get very cloudy. Clarity became a commodity.

Yesterday morning, 1-14-2006, something very interesting happened. I was having this intense dream. I do not remember any details from it, just that I was very busy doing some type of work. At some point, I recalled slightly waking, then turning over to face the opposite direction that is toward the wall during the dream. I was headed for some seriously deep REM time. Then, I psychically felt some one poke me on the back of my shoulder with their finger. One of those type of ‘excuse me can I have your attention please’ pokes. As I quickly woke-up, I could ‘see’ a woman, but not sure who, behind me. As I became more awake and logic took over, I thought it was my son, so I woke-up and turned to face the direction of the finger. There was no one there. About 5 minutes later, my cell phone rang.

Latter that day, I was able to find some clearly, well actually, last night. With the clarity, I got some messages. Focus only on Jamaica. Very early this morning, I had an interesting dream just before I got up. There was tons of tan colored blocks, set-up like stairs. They were large enough for me to stand on them, which I was doing and walking along. Each one of the blocks represented a relationship of mine of all sorts. Not just girlfriends, but people I have written to in other countries, or friendships or working relationships, n' 'nat. They also represented different parts of the World. As I walked around on them, descending South, I could recall who and what I learned from them. Symbolically, I was moving past them. After I had stepped on all of the blocks, reviewing, I reached the last 4. There were no more left. Causally, I slowly stepped down onto the first one, being very careful and fully aware. All directions were in my sight, all sides, above and below. Above me, clear blue warm sky. Below, clear blue ocean water. Then those last 4 separated from the all the others and began to float out to sea, above Jamaica. The blocks all turned black. They began to slightly reshape representing certain body types. One was a woman who is a little over weight with very large breasts. Another, average. The last two, thin and petite. All very good people and worthy of my love. Sorry to sound so arrogant, but that has been the big issue. I have lots of good things going on for myself and I can give tons of love, yet, I seem to be meeting only those who can not accept nor return that love. One of those blocks is my 'her.' Two of those blocks, I know already are not right, the last two, one of them is my 'one.' I woke up with the confirmation I got from my messages last night “focus on Jamaica.” The dream suggests that I have already made contact with her through the internet.

new ride!

Just got a new car today! It is a 2002 Saturn SLII. This is the nicest car I have ever owned. And the best part, no payments! All that extra work I did over Christmas vacation allowed me to save up some cash to just write them a check. It has a great stereo system in it! I cranked her up all the way and wow!!! It has a CD player/cassette player with an eq. The first CD I played: Bob Marley. It sounded great! This car has less than 60,000 miles and is spotless inside and out. The engine compartment looks brand new as does the interior. It did not look to good there for a while for me getting it. The place I bought it from is going out of business. They have been our Lincoln/Mercury, Pontiac, Subaru dealership for many years. They started out over 91 years ago. I saw an add on TV on Christmas Day while kind of half watching football. My son and I drove down there that night and I saw this car. I came home and checked it out on the internet and noticed they were asking a very good price for it. So, the following Tuesday, I test drove it and put a deposit down for it. I get paid from the State on Mondays, so I told them I would be back on the 9th, today, to get her. Well, the next day, the dealership called me and said they had 4 other people who wanted to buy it. The guy asked me all kinds of questions about my deposit check and my work. I had an experience before when I had put a deposit down on a car and they sold it to someone else. Not this same dealership, but I was feeling like they were either pressuring me or thinking about screwing me. They are going out of business, so what leverage do I have? So, I drove by that evening and they had a sold sign in it. I drove by last Friday, too, but the car was gone. I did not expect them to put it away somewhere and I did expect them to let others look at it. They need to cover their backs just incase my deal feel through. This morning, I went to my bank and the State did not pay me for all of my funding. I ended up being $300 short. So, I dropped my client off, came home and called the State. They had sent me this e-mail last Tuesday, the 3rd, saying they had a system clinch. It said I had to make my billing before 5:00PM on that day. Well, it was 4:30PM and I was just making a quick check of my e-mail before Yoga at 5:00PM. Normally, the billing needs to be done on Wednesday before 5:00PM, then they deposit the funds in my bank account on Monday. I did everything they said and on time. Well, they did not pay it. That was $600. Nothing I can do about it. They did not get it done and I will not get the fund until next Monday. The dealership would not hold until then. My parents were not home and I had no idea where they where. I called my sister, not home or at work. I went to the dealership. The car was not there. I told him I would be back shortly to get the car. Finally, at 2:15, my parents came home. They loaned me the $300 I was short. During all this, I just tried to remain positive, but I also told myself if I did not get, well, there are others around. Not as in good as shape as this one, though, especially for that price. I paid $6,900. They only gave me $600 for trade-in on my old one. That is where the $300 came in for me. The Kelly Blue Book is $9,300 on this car, so I got a very good deal on it. They gave me a 90 day/4,000 mile warranty, as well. It is fully loaded with all the fancy electrical/power stuff. YEAH!!!
Thank you God for the new car!!!

funding 'rules'

From my very early days of working with DD/MR people, I have known that the funding for services for an DD/MR person is dependent on the person’s served functioning levels and their specific needs and issues. Last Thursday night, 1-05-06, at one of my client’s IPC meetings, I learned something new about it. I have to say, it makes little sense to me. When the person served turns of legal age of consent, which is 21 for DD/MR people, they have a major evaluation to determine their service needs and funding. They are no longer considered to be children who are mostly dependent on their parents or guardians at 21 and are considered to be at the stage of their life to be an independent adult, as much as they can, anyway. The State uses some complex formula of IQ, cognitive and physical abilities, the specific disorders and issues. Makes perfect sense, right? However, they also factor in the person’s current situation. All well and fine, except that this initial determent does NOT change, throughout the person’s entire life time! In some very few, very select cases, the person may have some very slight changes over their entire life. However, and my issue with this is, how many people actually have little or no changes in their life’s? Very few. Then how is it that the State can even remotely consider the fact of not ever changing there funding ruling? That is just absurd to me!
In Wyoming, a DD/MR person can stay in high school until they are 21. There is a very good program for them to attend that teaches them life skills like cooking and cleaning and they also get job skills. If the person happens to turn 21 sometime before the end of this program, they can stay until the school session is over for that year. If a person served is evaluated at that time, then obviously their current situation is going to change. Well, obvious to me anyway. It is the State’s ‘rule’ to not allow them to continue going after they turn 21. Yet, they make a life time determination of funding for services and factor in that they are going to school and not working and still living with their parents. My main client, R, is a prime example of this. This is exactly what has happened to R. When R was initially evaluated last year, R was still going to school and not working. R’s funds were set-up to be 10 hours per week. That is all R really needed, then. Now, R is out of school, living in an apartment separate from R's parents, and working a job 5 days a week. R can not maintain a job without a job coach. R has been fired from everyone of R’s jobs prior to me and constant supervision because of R’s issues. In R's case manger’s and R's parent’s opinion, R may never be able to function enough to be without supervisor at work. There are some other serious factors and issues that I can not discuss here because of confidentiality that need addressed in order for R to maintain independence and safety. Therefore, R needs 25 hours a week of services now, not 10. Yet, the funding will not change. I just do not see the logic in this. Maybe there is, but I can not see it. R’s case manager said they are working to change this ‘rule,’ but why was it even a ‘rule’ to begin with?

The problem for me now is that I have to provide R with 25 hours a week services on funds that were set-up for 10. In other words, I have to work nearly 3 times more hours for the same money. I really feel at times that the State just takes advantage of the providers. Anyway, I am hoping it can get changed for R. It will just take some time.

I was hoping in this new year my business would grown and things would happen for the better. 2006 it is starting off getting worse, not better.