my birthday

Saturday, September 3rd, is my birthday. I will be 46. My birthday is just another day, or sometimes, worse. I do not get cards in the mail, have not for many years now. None of my family comes over for visits or cake and ice cream or even at the least makes phone calls to me. I do not receive gifts from any one but my son and my parents. Some years, I have not gotten anything from Trevor. Thank his mother for that. I have always made sure that he gets his mother (my ex) a gift and a card for her birthday, Christmas and Mother’s Day. She seldom does the same for me. For the first 10 years or more, she never did it. Unless my mother takes care of it, Trevor never does any of it anyway. I used to think that people wanted to skip there birthdays because they were joking about getting older. It is no joke for me. I do not remember how long ago it has been since anyone came over for cake and stuff. I do not like this feeling! I sure do not like having to struggle with it every year. It should not bother me by now, being so many years. Besides, I never really made much of my birthday before, but the past 10 years or so, I just dread it coming. I do not like fighting with my emotions and trying to be a big boy about it. Such a waste of energy.
In all fairness, though, I only have one grandparent that is still alive. She is my mother’s mother. She disowned me when I got divorced 17 years ago. I have not received any cards at all from her, no matter the holiday. She sends them to Trevor, though, and I am very grateful for that. The irony of this is that she has been married 5 times. The divorce is probably not why she disowned me. When I was married, my ex worked at a bank. Of course, we had our account there. Like an idiot, I let her take care of paying our bills. I just deposited my pay check, keeping beer and gas money, and let her take care of everything. The last year before our divorce, we had purchased a house. In order to get it, we consolidated all of our loans into one. I had 3 credit cards and she had one. We both agreed to not use our cards. Like any couple who thinks they are going to be happily married, I put her name on all of my cards. One day, about 3 weeks after we moved into that house, I came home to brand new curtains over our big sliding back door. I asked her where they came from and what money. She told me she used one of my cards to pay for them. In fact, she maxed it out. Not only that, but she maxed out my other 2 cards on stuff that we did not need, nor could we afford, for the house. As you can imagine, we could not make our bills. We could not make our second house payment. So, we barrowed some money from my grandmother. A year latter, we are divorced. She got the house and I got the payments. Fortunately, she sold it that same month we got divorced. She just got someone to take over the payments. Of course, I had to pay the realtors fee of a $1,000. So, after I moved out and started getting my own mail, I began getting all the bills for my credits cards. Because of the divorce contract, I had to pay all of my own bills, even though it was for her furniture and stuff she had bought and took with her. Same sad story, boo hoo for me, right? Hear it all the time, right? Well, I discovered that she had not paid any of my bills. None of the stuff that was in my name had been paid on for over a year!! That included my grandmother. So, for $1,000, I have been disowned by my grandmother. She is very wealthy. No, not a millionaire, but has not had to work in over 30 years. She has tons of money and she gives the rest of my family a lot more money than that all the time. So what? When she stands before God after her death, she will have to answer why. Not only did I have all of those credit cards, but the consolidation loan payments, my car payment (for my Corvette) and the amount due for Trevor’s birth that my insurance would not cover ($750). Anyway, she was not my favorite grandmother growing-up. My father’s mother was my favorite. I used to spend all of my summers with her. She lived in this very small town named Guernsey (yes, after the cow) that had only 800 people that lived there. I even lived with her for my 10th grade year of high school. I loved that town and her house! My life could be in complete chaos and once I pulled into Guernsey, nothing mattered. All of my troubles and worries just fell off me like water off a duck's back. It was my own little heaven. My Grandmother died about 10 years ago. I sure do miss her! She was the best cook in the World!! We spent all of our holidays at her house. My family would get together at her house, my aunt and uncle and my 5 cousins, and my parents and my sister and brother. At her funeral, my cousins got mad at me because I would not drink with them. That was when they decided I should not be family anymore.
I know a few people that make a huge ordeal out of their birthdays. To them, there is no bigger holiday, no day in life more important than their birthday. Even back when I was a kid, my birthday was not so special as all that. When I was 5, we lived in a small town in Wyoming called Torrington. Torrington did not have Kindergarten. In fact, Kindergarten was not consider part of school and was not an official part of the school district here back then. There was a private Kindergarten, but my parents did not have the money to pay for me to go. Back in the day, school always started the Tuesday after “Labor Day.” My birthday is sometimes on “Labor Day.” My very first day of school, my first day of 1st grade, was on my 6th birthday. I can recall my mother had made cupcakes for the whole class. I remember setting at my school desk eating my chocolate cupcake. It was all down hill from there :) I used to get into lots of trouble in school. Oh, nothing major, just goofing around and showing off. Mostly I got in trouble for day dreaming and not doing my school work. Although I got into my share of fights, I was never suspended for fighting. In my 1st year, I got 2 spankings. Yes, they still did that back then. I spent many recesses indoors doing school work. One day, my 1st grade teacher hit me over the head with the “Weekly Readers” that were all rolled up from the mail. She just walked back into the room and pop! right on the back of my head. Then, she sat down and began yelling at me for something (who knows?) and she got even more upset. She stood up and hit me again on the head with her ink pin. Those two incidents were not the spankings in case you are wondering. On no! I had to stand-up in front of the whole class, bend down, garb my ankles and take a few swats from the wooden pattle. Hey, nice school day memories! Second grade was no better and on and on until graduation.
The bad part for me when I was a kid with my birthday was that I always got school clothes for my gifts. I am grateful to have gotten gifts (and clothes), but it did not seem fair that my sister and brother got new school clothes just because and I had to use up my birthday gifts for them. I would have much rather had stuff like toys. Even back in my drinking days, I did not make much of my birthday. I sure do miss birthday sex though.

more zombies

Tuesday morning, August 16th, I dreamt about zombies again. In all horror movies, the monsters or evil characters represent a specific human aspect. Zombies represent mindless people who did not think for themselves. They only follow the crowd and never reach out for anything better nor do they take any chances, even though this slowly kills them and all of the others around them. My dreams this day were very violent. In the beginning of my dream, I was sleeping and they came for me. I was in a very tall place, but they began to stand on each others shoulders to try and get me through a large window. I went for my shotgun, which I did not actually find. However, I used my imagination and knowing that I indeed have a shotgun and began shooting them. I just stuck out my arms as if I was actually holding an actual gun and fired several shots at the heads of the zombies. I aimed at the ones on the bottom so that the others would just fall down. Quickly, I ran to the front of the place I was in that became a big vehicle, a huge motor home, and sat down to drive. Seating in the drivers seat, I could see I was in nature, in a park area that had lots of trees and beautiful green grass. The weather was very warm and the Sun was bright. Many zombies came out of the trees at me and surrounded the motor home. There was too many of them for me to just shoot. They began climbing onto the sides of the vehicle, so I drove very fast through the trees. The trees knocked all of them off, except for one who was on the roof. He was dressed like a cowboy and had a big shotgun. He was trying to gain his balance and to shoot me through the roof. I drove faster and hit some bumps, rocking the vehicle. He feel off. Then, my alarm went off and I woke up. As I lay there thinking, “another zombie dream,” I fell back to sleep. The zombie dream continued, only I was now in a different setting. I was walking through a big city on an open lot. On the ground was lots of rubbish and items all over. I reached down and picked-up a baseball bat. There was many zombies now all around me and I began knocking their heads off with the bat. Yes, lots of blood and brains, just for fun I suppose. Several times, I was close to being bitten!! Of course, in the movies, if one is bitten by a zombie, they become a zombie. Then, I woke up again, but feel to sleep and the dream started again. In this version, I was inside a big building. I walking through a hallway that was very cluttered with many items. Actually, the correct term would be climbing through the hallway because of so much debris. There was old beds and mattresses and furniture and clothing everywhere. I was following some others as we were escaping and there were others behind me. The zombies were outside and after us. We did not have any guns, but there was plenty of items to use to defend our selves. I choose a tire iron. Then, I woke again, but this time I got out of bed and went to the YMCA for my work-out.
Many years ago, when my sobriety was very new, I would have dreams of a very large crocodile. It would be larger than a dinosaur!!! In those first few dreams, it would eat me. I would be very frightened when I woke, unable to return to sleep. Then, I began to understand that the crocodile was just my problems and issues in life. In the Bible, there are references to dragons as evil demons or even as Satan. Many Biblical scholars believe that this word has been mistranslated and that the word is actually referring to crocodiles. In the times of Jesus and just before, crocodiles were not found in Europe. European people had never seen such a large reptiles before. The explorers and sailors began bringing them back from their trips to India and Africa. This was such a new and horrible site for the Europeans! A ten foot monster with huge teeth. They were told horrible and exaggerated stories of crocodiles that would eat hundreds of children and adults. To people in Egypt, these crocodiles were evil because they did eat there children and maim adults. To these Europeans, the crocodiles appeared to them as mythical monsters. Many viewed crocodiles as evil monsters from Hell. I did not know this information until after I had several of those dreams. Thus, I made the connection that the crocodile was actually my own personal monster. In the Western Hemisphere, there are no crocodiles, but only alligators. In my very first dream, I knew that this was a crocodile and not an alligator. That small piece of information helped me to establish that connection of information. After I began to work on coping with my troubles in life, those crocodile dreams began to change. The crocodile would not get me or kill me because I was able to run or escape from it. When I would awake, I would feel safe, but I also knew that the crocodile would only find me again. Then, I became upset with myself. I did not feel like much of a man. I felt weak and foolish for running. So, I worked harder on my issues. Then, I learned that we can change things in our dreams. We can control certain outcomes or events. After I discovered this knowledge, I had another crocodile dream. This was many years latter after the first one, but when it happened, I reminded myself that I could kill this monster. Yes, it would be very difficult, but I knew I could do it and, therefore, I did not run away. Many ideas came to mind for killing it that included weapons such as spears or bows. Guns or modern weapons and devises did not come to mind, but a reminded myself that I have a sword. Then, my mighty sword appeared in my hands! I made plans to leap onto the crocodiles back, then run my sword through the top of it’s head, through it’s small brain, killing it. However, I woke up before I could implement my plans. To this day, the crocodile has not returned in my dreams.
This zombie dream is just telling me not to give in and not be like the rest of the mindless people. I want something more out of life! It is very hard some days. I could just settle for a relationship with someone in my surroundings, settling for what ever is already there, and not for strife for something better. I would be very unhappy, but I would not be alone. I am so tired of being alone!!! However, this is just not me! I have settled for less in my life before. I have taken the easy road and I was miserable!! No more!!!
Continue fight off the zombies and know true love!!

feelings

For about the past 3 weeks or so, I have been experiencing an interesting feeling. What I have been feeling and rather intensely at times, is the feeling of not wanting to be who I am, or where I am at, or doing what I am doing. This feeling has been very intense at times and disruptive. I have even been very frustrated, bordering on anger, from it. I recall feeling this way before, this not wanting to be who I am or where I am at or doing what I am doing. At this point in time, and just as before, that feeling about not wanting to be who I am does not mean who I am physically. I am comfortable with myself, something I can not say has always been here, and I even like myself, which is a huge change from even 6 months ago. These days, I define myself, partly, by my chosen career. I work helping others and that is who I am, but not exclusively. The last time I felt this way was right after I graduated from high school. I had the same job for over 2 years while I was finishing school. I had been thinking about my future a lot, but had not put much effort into it. I just knew I wanted something different with my life. One day that June, I broke up with my girlfriend, quit my job and spent 3 weeks with my grandmother in a different town, Guernsey. When I came back, I still felt the same, but I knew I had to do something about it. A few weeks latter, I cut my hair (it was actually longer then than it is now), got a job and made a ton of new friends. The job was still as a cook, though. Of course, I began to binge drink a lot. Maybe that is more of a what not to do than to follow it. Yet, I still feel that I need a change. That feeling has been making me feel that I do not want to do work anymore. After I quit drinking and began to heal about 14 years ago, I have felt a huge responsibility toward God and the Universe to repay for all of the help and healing I received from Them. That feeling was very intense and deeply engrained. It motivated me to work hard and get through college. It sustained me and defined me and separated me from the others. That motivation is no loner there. Yes, I still wish to help others and to make a positive difference in the World. I just do not feel I owe any one anything. Maybe I am still working on redefining myself. I have begun to understand, in the past few months, that I can have so much more from life, to be rich and have all that I desire, because I do have that right!! I think what is going on with me is that I no longer have any limits on myself. Perhaps I have grown to the point of wanting so much more that my current living situation is no longer acceptable. It was not before, but I was accepting and just let it be. For the past few weeks, I have been unable to get past the initial feeling and to become frustrated. Today, I have been able to feel some of it more deeply. I do not hate myself, which is a huge change from before. I am just unhappy with my current situation. I want a new car and my own place to live and a wife and family. With all of this positive thinking and visualization, I guess I want my external world to match my new internal world.