Tantrums the seguel

I am so tired right now. This overnight shift is running me down physically and emotional.

My “tantrum” a few days ago is still lingering, only now, I am trying find that place I was before the depression and frustration got the better of me. I am reminded of JFK’s words: “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.” Well, I am asking God what I should do for God. If I just let my situation slide and allow for it to work itself out, fine, I feel better. However, it seems wrong to not be active in my part. All I can do is my part and then God do the rest. When I look at the whole picture, my current situation, it is overwhelming. No way can I do it on my own. Sometimes, I feel like I have been forsaken. Even Jesus had his moment of doubt and pain, but I have had a tendency to wallow in it. That wallow became a vise and a way of life and it is taking me time to get out of it.

The World sucks when I look how some people get all the stuff. They get “rewarded“ for their hideous morals. They will never know love like I do and that would suck more. I know I have to help create those things, but I also know that it takes time. I forget sometimes. Do I want a huge house and lots of toys? No, a nice house and a few toys, but mostly love. Love from a woman, a wife, a best friend, a best lover, a companion who is all the same person. Pretty tall order these days, so I must learn to be patient. I usually am, but at times,... well, those times come by less and less and they stay for shorter and shorter times.

All I can do is be myself. When I was younger, I tried being others. Did not work out so well for me. If I am in bad mood, then I am in a bad mood. I try to not be, but life happens. If I had it all figured out, then I would not need to be here, I would be on a different plain of existence trying to figure that one out.

Some days, I just do not get it.