Letter to a friend

There is something I would like to tell you about. It has to do with money. This will take some time, ok? Sorry, but I need to vent and to ask you your thoughts about this my friend. In order to make it through college, I had to do a lot of creative things to make it by. I did not get much student loan money nor grants or scholarships. In fact, there was a point when I was angry about this. Women get the majority of the money. White males are at the bottom of the list and there are very limited scholarships. At the time of my writing class, I was using a computer at one of my 3 jobs. They did not even have Windows ‘98, so anyway, I had to go after hours to do my typing. Then, one day, I got a credit card in the mail. I did not have to fill anything out or go through anything, just use it. So, I bought my own computer with it. I did not have enough room and I maxed the card out, but, I was working 3 part time jobs and somehow I was able to come up with enough to get a printer. Then, I moved to Laramie. It was a huge leap of faith because I did not have a job nor anywhere near enough money to support myself, but I felt like God would be there for me. God had helped me out before, but I was only getting just barely enough to get by on. So, I quickly ran out of money, but Kerry was there and I moved in with her. I was working, going to school and she was understanding. We started our own little business, a space at a flea market in town. I ended up taking care of it and selling nearly all of my personal possessions (things that meant something to me), then after I graduated, I got a second job. Through out this entire time, I was struggling to make my child support payments of $300 a month. I never missed them. I struggled to pay on that credit card, but as you know, if one only makes the minimum payment, they will never pay it off. Plus, I paid for food and the cable TV and other stuff. My car broke and I did not have money to fix it. I borrowed my mothers old car and ended up keeping it for over 4 years. Then, when Kerry kicked me out, I was broke, ok? I had the credit card, the student loans, child support, rent, food. Do you see? Then, the 4 months of no working. Then, I got sick and racked up over $3,000 in medical expenses. Ok, so, I moved back here and then 18 months of no work. Then 2 months of work and then another 8 months of no work. My mother's car broke and cost $1,300 to fix and then again that cost $700. More illness that I owe nearly $5,000 more. Susan said she would, without my asking, take less for the child support. Then, when Trevor moved in with me, I did not pay, but she did not pay me. Then, she told me if I would let Trevor move back in with her, that I would not have to her pay her again. It was Trevor's choice, not her's or mine, and he did, but I do not have the money to pay. Legally speaking, I owe her a huge amount of back child support. They do not need my money. They have a very large house and 3 new cars and a cabin and yadda, yadda. However, if she wanted to push it, I could go to jail in a second for the money I owe her. I have not paid on that credit card in 5 years. I owe them almost $3,000. I took out several cash advances to pay for food before I meet Kerry. So, I have over $8,000 in medical expenses that was handed over to collections a few years ago. I owe the card and back child support. I do not own my own car. I have not had an eye exam in over 15 years. My glass are so scratched that I am better off without them, even though I need them to drive. I have not been to the dentist in even longer. I had a filling fall out about 10 years ago. God has been here for me and Guided me and Pushed me to where I am now. So, this money is not my doing, is it? I did everything I could to get work and pay these bills, but nothing! Am I wrong here? Working for $7.50 an hour is not cutting it. Forget about all what I owe, how I am ever going to get my own place? There are no American women who will date me in this situation. Even if I had money, I would not get dates because of living with my parents. Can you understand my frustration? Some of the new work, if I get it, pays $35 an hour. Even that is not enough. Why do I have to crawl and fight to get myself out of here when God put me here? There was a drawing at the Mall, win the car or $25,000. (No, I did not win it.) That would pay my medical and credit card and get me an old used car. What about the rest? My child support is $400 a month now. Legally speaking, I owe her this money. If I win the lottery, or become rich in some Miracle of God’s Wonder, she will take me to court. I will gladly pay her what I owe her court or no court. When I get the chance, I will as I will with all of my other bills. I am just frustrated! I am wondering why if God put me here then why do I have to get myself out? Maybe God will help me, but when? I am getting crumbs when I need the whole loaf. My credit is shot. How will I be able to buy a car to transport the clients around? If I get big, how will I be able to buy homes to house my clients? Or myself? How can I date? Face it, even if I have a huge penis and I am the best looking, most talented, nicest, smartest, most decent man in the World, no woman will date me if I do not have money. Even if they would, how can I? I have no money. I am just really frustrated! How is this fair that I have to work my ass out of this, one little tiny piece at a time, when God put me here? It is not fair!!!!!!!!! But God does not care about fair or right. What am I missing here? Just Trust, right? I have and look at me. I’m a loser!!!!! There are more important things in life than money. I have worked hard on being those things. You can see that I am a decent man. I have those qualities that God favors, yet, I still need money. In this life, everyone needs money. I keep seeing Paris Helton every where these days? Flavor of the media month. Look at her. Psychically speaking, she has all that most people in this moronic world desire to have, well, to me she is too skinny and I do not find her pretty. She has no need for money becuase she has wealthy parents. She has never been poor or had to eatten out of dumpster (oh, yes I have!). She is a stupid spoiled whore!!!! She has no personality, no brains, and no morals. She has been caught on tape being a porno queen and yet, she has a book out and an acting career, fame and fortune, and … so what?! It is the wrong morals and this World is ruled by Satan. That is why people like her have money, but not true love. She and others like her will never know true love. When I die, I will be in a better place. I will hopefully have learned my lessons and not have any bad Karma to pay. I will be on the Thrown of God, at God’s Right Hand. So, why would I want to still live here? Paris will be in “hell.” But I do not have true love either. I could have sex with all the dirty whores I want, but I would pay the price. I do not want to just have sex, I want love. There is no love because I do not have money. I do not have money because I am not a stupid spoiled whore, a cheater and a liar and a sinner. I have been a good boy and trusted God, and I still do not have money or love.

In all seriousness, what am I missing here?

Please, God help me to understand.