"Donuts, Kiss, Lisa Simpson, and Inner Peace"

“Get up! Everybody’s gonna move their feet, Get down! Everybody’s gonna leave their seat,” I sang while driving toward the donut shop. This was Monday morning, December 17th, and I was headed to the Job Service. However, I wanted to stop on the way and get a treat.
Singing along with the radio in the car is just the usual for me, especially if it is a good song. I do not hear this song much on the radio anymore. It is a great old Kiss tune, “Detroit Rock City.” Maybe not their best song ever, but it felt really good to hear it and sing it. My thoughts went back to a time when I was playing in a band. We did a lot of covers of what is considered classic rock. We were learning to play this particular song, but never got it down. This is not as easy a song as some people might think, thinking Kiss all galore and no talent. Our band broke up before we could get better at playing it. Along with those memories, came those old feelings.
Whenever I hear a song that reminds me of those days of playing in that band, or some of the others I was in, I feel many emotions. In this band, we just wanted to have fun. Being really good or making money was not important, just the love for music. Trying to explain that feeling a person gets when they are playing music is tough. How can one explain in words that feeling of creating? It is the same with painting or drawing art work, building a dog or bird house, or writing poetry or prose. Words like relaxing or peaceful or gratifying do not seem to explain how it feels to me. Sometimes, when I was playing, I would catch myself listening to us and thinking “Wow, this is me doing this, not someone else on a record.” Then, of course, I would loose my place and mess up the song. Those days are over now, but hearing those songs makes me wish I was still playing. The desire to just be playing and the desire to create are the feelings that seem to always be the strongest.
As I pulled up to Daylight Donuts, I sat in the car, listening to the rest of the song and my feelings. Boy, I really miss playing. I miss the creating. Sure, I miss my friends, but friends can come and go. What remains is that intense desire to create. Of course, I paint and draw and write and build things from wood, but it just can not replace playing music. No matter how much I tell myself I have given up on being in a band again, that desire to play just will not go away. Desire, desire, desire. Is it not desire that has been the problem for me lately? I thought about Lisa Simpson, then turned the car off and went inside.
This Daylight Donuts shop always reminds me of my son when he was seven or eight. We would come here on Saturday mornings for donuts during weekend visits.
“How come there are so many Grandpas here?” he asked me one time. I looked around and noticed there were lots of older gentlemen here, ones that would fit the grandpa stereotype description of an eight year old. The thought still makes me laugh. After that day, this place was dubbed “The Grandpa Donut Store” by my son. I made my purchase and went back to the car. As I ate my chocolate cake donut with chocolate frosting and coconut, those desires returned. This time, though, depression came along for the ride.
Desire. Desire to play again. Desire to have a job, to have my own place to live, to have money, to finish school, to get myself out of this rut. Desire, desire, desire. Depression became stronger. I started to feel frustration. Anger would soon follow. Then, I thought about “The Simpson’s” episode I saw on TV the night before.
Frustration can be a big issue for me. So, is depression. At this period in my life, I had not worked for over six months. I was living with my parents. Although I am very thankful for them, this is a very humbling experience for a forty-two year old. I was trying to get into grad school, could not find a job, and had all day to set around and be depressed. I wanted so badly to just get up and do something, but all of my creative ideas and work could only take my mind off my dire situation for a short time. Phone calls and letters from bill collectors kept me stuck in human reality. I wanted so badly to just leave the house. Just go somewhere and do something, but options are few when you have no money. I do not even own the car that I am setting in now. With my two donuts now eaten, I headed the car to the Job Service.
My feelings told me that going there today would be futile. I had been going twice a week for six months with limited success. Checking the newspaper everyday was not very productive, either. I must have applied for and mailed out resumes to over twenty jobs by now. Some were even jobs that were not advertised through the paper or Job Service, but still, nothing. I had one promising interview, a process that took eight weeks for me to hear that they chose someone else. Today, though, I was hoping to not be so frustrated in seeing the same old jobs on the computer, then driving home wishing I had somewhere else to go than back to my bedroom at my parents house. Often, I would take the longest way possible back home, but then I had to worry about gas and not having any money to purchase more. Besides, I could not really afford the dollar I played for the donuts. More desires, more frustration, more depression.
I am no stranger to depression. I have been struggling with it for the majority of my life. Since I have quit drinking and doing drugs, I have been developing a relationship with God. Throughout this down time, I have tried to remain focused on improving myself in the eyes of God by reading and learning from each difficulty I have faced. Positive self-esteem is very important in dealing with depression and addiction issues. However, feeling okay about yourself is very difficult when so much is not going well, especially when one has no control in these situations. All I can do is my part. I can fill out the applications, but I can not make them call me or grant an interview or force them to hire me. This is a time to really know and understand that a person has to rely on God and to have patience with allowing for God’s work. This was not my first time waiting for God’s help, but it did seem to be tougher. Many times in my life have I been between jobs, just two years ago, in fact, but never for this long. Maybe I had missed something before, or maybe it was just a continuation of before. However, with the help of Lisa Simpson, this down time had taught me what is truly important in life.
Waiting for God is tough. Scripture even says so. No where in the Bible could I find “God helps those who help themselves.” Am I doing all that I can? I think so. Even though I knew in my heart there were no new jobs, I kept going to the Job Service and reading the paper. I have even applied for jobs that I did not want, no matter what the shift or how few of hours are offered or how low the pay. Isaiah 40:31 says, “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;” Building strength was no doubt, the lesson I was engaged in, but there was something else there.
The past few weeks had been really tough, with Christmas and all. I was struggling to understand the lesson, the point of my being in this bard. I knew I was close, but something was missing. Last night, I had been watching “The Simpson’s.” Lisa was upset over their church going commercial. She became so frustrated that she turned to Buddhism. Nothing new for most people. Religion can be so confusing and not much help at times. Often times, it only separates us, but the Truth is the Truth, no matter if it comes from the Bible or the Tao Teh Ching, or Lisa Simpson.
Lisa discovered what I had already known, but somehow forgotten: the evils of desire. Buddhism teaches about the negative effects of desires, as well as the importance of waiting and about being in the bard. The Bible, also, teaches about desires. The desires for things human, such as money, can drive a person away from God and to suicide. This was the missing piece of the puzzle: letting go of desires. No desires, no fears, no frustration, no anger, no depression. But, as Lisa also learned, living in this human, monetary world without desire is tough. As I pulled into the parking lot of the Job Service, I reminded myself of what is truly important in life: God. Not a damn job or money. After all, I was not starving or living in a van down by the river. Sure, I was in the bardo, in that place between living and dieing, between the Promise of God and Enlighten, between the prayer and the delivery, but I have all I need to survive. Even if I was living in a cardboard box, I would still have all I need. It was not like I have never eaten out of a dumpster before. The important thing in life is God. I was learning to be totally dependant on God. Learning to have a close personal relationship with God. The only desire anyone needs is the desire for God’s love, not God’s Gifts. A desire for the Giver of the gifts, not the gifts themselves.
The Job Service was, this day, futile, as suspected. This time though, I drove home not in anger or frustration, but with something much more valuable than all the money in the World: inner peace. I drove home, thanking God aloud for the messages, the lesson, and the chance to use my new tools. I, also, thanked God for the abundance that I have in my life... and for donuts, and music, and Lisa Simpson.