Jump, the Story

JOURNEYS OF THE APPRENTICE

The Young Apprentice, being no longer that young, thinking himself Journeyman, stood at the edge of the Cliff. Not too close to the edge, but close enough to see that it was in fact a very, very long way down, certainly far enough to end any living beings life. The distance was so great that he could not tell what awaited him at the bottom. Behind him and beneath his feet was the Mountain. Beyond the Cliff, as far as his eyes could see, beheld an endless Ocean of Blue. Blue as the sky on a warm summer day. Calm as an infant sleeping. Endless as time. Deeper than time. Looking out at the beauty that was the Ocean filled his heart with a tranquilly that could only be found in True Love. He knew why he was here. He knew what he must do. He did not think he could, having already done so, seemly many times, too many times, having already done so with drastic results. Yet... it was his Destiny.
The Young Apprentice felt secure in his place here on this Mountain. He did not want to leave. Secure was his place here, for it had what he needed. Not all, but more than ever before. More than any of his wildest, deepest fantasies. All but True Love. And his Destiny. His Life's Purpose.
The Sun was brightly enlightening his attention to full, warming his heart open to clearly absorb all about him. A light Breeze blew in from the Ocean, through him from his front to his back, drifting his mind to the past, to his Journey on this Mountain, back to the Cave.
The Young Apprentice had been traveling through a dense rainy jungle toward the Mountain in a leisurely, round about way. All around him, thick lush foliage flaunting many wonderful shades of lovely greens and heavenly blues. Tinny white and lavender flowers cheerfully hid themselves under very old, thick, large, healthy trees whose branches, full with thick green leaves, wept gleefully to their roots. So thick was the grass and foliage that no dirt was hardly ever seen. Beauty was in full bounty, so apparent, so obvious. The Young Apprentice had been in this Jungle his entire life. Yet, he could not, no, would not, see, nor ever feel, the Beauty. His blue skys had turned to grey, over-cast by melancholy, ominous storm clouds, shadowing all, everything he felt, everything he saw, everything he knew, with gloom.
Although not many, dangers, Dangers he was well aware of, Dangers he had experienced many times, lurked.
The Young Apprentice happened upon a small patch of quicksand. Stopping, he gazed, from a distance, at this Danger. The tones of a familiar song's sweet, sad music began to lightly dance through his mind, body, and heart. As he listened with bitter-sweet reminiscence, a young woman appeared from the distant dark shadows. Adorned with a light brown, almost white, silk dress, she hovered above the ground with grace, beauty, and dignity. As in a light breeze that blew only for her, the long hem of her sheer dress flowed freely from her long, slender legs, reveling tall, black leather boots. Straps of thin, dancing black leather and long, flowing brown lace, clung to her waist and arms, rippling from her lean, voluptuous body like snakes in a den. Her face was that of tremendous beauty, famous beauty, beauty he had admired in magazines and album covers. Her appearance spoke softly to him, but he sensed a disguise.
"What could she want of me," he thought, considering taking a step backward. As quickly as the thought came and passed...
"Seize him!" she suddenly commanded. A lion of enormous size and strength leaped from within the murky quicksand. Brown, wet quicksand that covered the Lion's huge, muscular body ran back into the pit like sheep escaping a hungry wolf.
"Rip him to tiny pieces with your mighty jaws and enslave him in your belly, my Pet!" she screeched.
The Lion opened It's great jaws, roaring with deafening thunder. It seemed to defy reality as It flew through the cold, grey air. Huge, powerful paws swung, destroying the air with the strength and speed of a tornado. The Young Man, succumbing to the will of just accept his Fate, awaited a horrid Death. Mesmerized was he, mesmerized by the beauty of this mighty Opponent's speed and agility. Instead, though, he turned and ran into a near-by cave at the base of the Mountain.
As the not-so-Young Apprentice stood at the Cliff, he recalled fumbling blindly through the Cave. Through the darkness of the dreary Cave he went when he stumbled upon the Evil Woman and her Lion. Sleeping they were, on a ledge, a ledge that was waist high to the Young Man. Without waking them up, he took a magic wand from his pocket and began to cover them with liquid brass.
"This is going to stop them," he proudly proclaimed, for he knew that the Brass would harden as it cooled, imprisoning them. Feeling confident of himself and his efforts aloud, "I shall cover them and make them into a trophy for all to see," he proclaimed. "Everyone shall rejoice in my victory." He was near completion with just the head of the Woman left, when She awoke.
"No, no! Please, stop!" She pleaded. "Don't hurt my sweet Pet."
Suddenly, from a dark cavern on the ledge above him, appeared the Young Man's lover. A plain and simple girl was she, someone whom he met stumbling around in the Darkness of this Cave. She was dressed only in a light brown dress that hung just passed her knees, exposing her bare ankles and bare feet.
"How can you be so cruel," she shouted. "Your killing this poor defenseless kitten." She stomped on the weak, still warm Brass, freeing the Lion and the Evil Woman.
"Now," the Evil Woman screeched, "you shall pay!" She shook off the Brass, then disappeared into the Darkness. The Lion, baring It's enormous teeth, slowly rose to resume It's quest.
"I'm so sorry," the Lover cried in remorse. "I did not mean you harm."
The Evil Woman approached her from behind, behind from whence the Lover had came, put her arms around the Lover's chest and arms, lifted her up, then took Her back into the Darkness.
The not-so-Young Apprentice stood at the Cliff, feeling the now harsh Breeze slice through him like a thousand sharp knifes. So sharp that the pain was not a ripping and tearing as a dull knife, or a lion's teeth, but intense piercing with exquisite pain. In his mind's eye, he looked at his naked flesh, counting the scares, one atop of the other. Some open, festering, infected, some closed, yet, red and swollen, some white from the many years gone by; the new sometimes over-lapping the old. He wondered how it had ever gotten this crazy. Had he been stupid or just been lazy? Another strong Gust threw him back to the Cave.
The Young Apprentice resumed his attempted escape from the Lion. A short distance from the brass covered ledge he reached a tall, black, steep, endless cliff wall. This time, he was at the bottom, looking up. Climbing was his only option. No more would he run. No way could he out run this Magnificent Creature. On this Cliff Wall, just a short climb above him, easily within his grasp, was a nail, driven firmly in the Cliff Wall, and two chains, hanging from the Nail. Easily could he reach Them. Easily would he be able to use Them to pull himself up. These were just the Tools he needed to pull himself to freedom. Fortune was with him.
Up he did go. Hard was it. Determined was he. He stopped climbing, then looked down to see the Lion was now at the base of the Cliff Wall, close behind him. Just as determined was the Lion. It began swiping, clawing, swinging It's mighty Paws at the Young Man, trying to get him, at times, narrowly missing.
"Yes," the Evil Woman hissed as she came from out of the Darkness, "Give in to my lovely Pet."
The Young Apprentice hesitated, feeling he may fall, feeling the Cliff Wall crumple in his narrow grip. He stretched out with his right arm, able to reach the Nail. Just when he thought he might slip, feeling the Cliff Wall breaking under foot, he grasped one of the Chains. Still, the Lion's Paws continued. More determined was he now, even more than the Lion or the Evil Woman.
Far was the Top, yet, not too far. Straight up was it, unable, too difficult to climb. Too close now, was he, to stop. Too close.
He threw the other Chain upward, hoping it would reach the Top. It stood up straight, stiff, steady, but the Young Man could not see if it had achieved it's intended destination. Foggy, unclear, was the short distance to the Top. He reached deep down within, recalled some Faith, and began climbing with uncertainty, unsure if he would make the Top. The Lion stopped It's futile clawing.
With a grin that exposed great insight, the Lion crouched down, summoning all of It's power, then leapt, roaring with mighty laughter, to catch It's prey.
The Young Man reached the end of the Chain, but it was just short of the Top. He wanted to just let go. His will to continue was now weakened, maybe even gone. He wanted to just give in to the Lion. He knew it would be so much easier than to keep going. It would be so much easier to just give in, to succumb to the tempting powers of Evil. Yet, he knew that it was something he could not do, not even if he really, really wanted to, not ever.
"I can not stop now," he thought to himself. "I am almost there."
He reached down inside himself, deeper this time, to summon his Courage. With a Leap of Faith, he sprang to the edge of the Cliff. He clutched the edge, puling himself up, while the Evil Woman screamed in agony.
"No!!!" she screeched in defeated rage. "You must stop him, my Sweet!"
As he pulled himself to his feet, he heard the Lion's laughter getting louder. He quickly turned to see It's giant Paws clinging to the edge. It kicked and scratched, trying to pull Itself up. Finally, It made the top of the Cliff, but collapsed onto It's side.
The Young Man was surprised by the Lion's tenacity. In disbelieve, he approached It. The Lion was struggling, with It’s head down, to regain It's balance, weak from exhaustion. From the corner of his eye, the Young Man saw a figure slowly approaching him from behind. He turned to face him and knew him to be his teacher.
"You must stop It," the Teacher instructed him.
The Young Man turned again to face his Enemy, reluctant to do what he knew must be done. The respect he had for this Animal was now greater than ever. Respect for It's power and abilities. He had become so comfortable with this conflict, so comfortable with his fear, so comfortable with the hopelessness, that he wondered what he would do when this Creature was gone. Again, he had to reach down for his Courage, Trusting in what is Right for his future, even though, he could not foresee it nor did he know what it would be for him. Heavy was his mind. His heart ached. His soul was now burdened with duty. As he trudged to the still struggling and unsuspecting Lion, he drew in a deep breath. He extended his arms as he stepped forward, pushing the Lion off the Cliff. He watched in terror as the Lion, clawing the thick murky air in vain, fell to It's death.
"Master, what have I done? I've killed this Beautiful Animal. It was so magnificent in It's power. How could I have done such a thing?"
"The Lion's beauty was only skin deep. It listened to Evil and became It's slave of corruption and deceit."
The Young Man faced the Teacher, then looked back to the lifeless body of the Lion. The Evil Woman was standing in grief above the Lion. Her body then withered in defeat and fluttered like a chilling breeze into the Darkness.
"Come, my Brother, she is defeated for now, but not destroyed," the Teacher told him as he touched the Young Man lightly on the back of the shoulder. They turned, heading toward an exit. The Young Apprentice stared down at the Cave's rocky floor as they slowly walked toward the Light of the Exit, reflecting on what had just transpired. He felt tired, but stronger and wiser. He looked up to see the figure of a woman standing in the warming yellow Light of the Exit.
The Young Apprentice did not recognize her at first. He could not see her face, nor did he recognize who she was or what role she would play in his life. Was she lover, teacher, from his past or his future? Maybe all. She moved back from the Exit, into the Light.
Another did appear, more perplexing than the first, yet... familiar. Still, there was something about her that he could not grasp. She was far different from the first. She had dark hair, dark skin, thinner, more human. The first was blonde, fair, an angel in white with wings. He was certain, however, that the first would be the one to help him in his journey, a Journey he would latter learn to be up this Mountain where he now stood. The thoughts of his being led by her both comforted and excited him.
He stopped walking, then turned to speak to the Teacher who was now facing him.
"Thank you, my Friend," the Young Man, in a weary voice, did say.
"It is I who should thank you," the Teacher answered. "For you are my Teacher. I gave you nothing but the Knowledge you already have. You have traveled a great distance, but we have a long journey before we reach the Top of this Mountain." They resumed their trek toward the Light of the Exit.
The not-so-Young Apprentice stood in the brisk Breeze. His thoughts were now of the here and now. His body wavered in the Breeze, for They were gone.
The Teacher had not made it much past the Exit. The Angel became his closest, often his only, Friend. She taught him to discern Evil from Good, Right from Wrong, Dark from Light. She taught him Trust. She took him to the Wall through the Good, the Bad, and the Demons. She stood by him when no other would. Yet, on the way back down, she lied to him and betrayed him. The Second he never met.
The Teacher wound was now white with age. The Angel wound, festered with infection, still bleeding, oozing great pain.
Again, the Breeze did blow.
Upon leaving the Cave, he found himself on a ledge that was on the side of this Mountain. Bright, again, Clear, Enlightening. Snow, very deep, covering all, freezing cold. Yet, he was not cold. Storm clouds above, a small village below. A Village with new friends, good friends, good humans. A Village he would soon leave. A Village he had already left in spirit, but not in body.
Hunting was he. "Food," he thought, "Elk." It must be, for he had a rifle. He would need Stamina for the Journey. The others from the Village were to join, but they had not. None had left the safety of the Village below, even though it was cold and isolated. Even though they could always go back, unlike himself.
He began to turn, wanting to Hunt the Mountain, to get his supper, to sustain his life, to get that which he needed. Before his back went to the Village, the Village were his life had been nice, pleasant. Nice as a puppies wet nose on his check. Pleasant as the sweet, unique smell of the puppies breath. Before he could turn completely around to continue the Hunt, a dark, large object came crashing down on him. His left arm went instinctively to cover his face.
In that very, very, very quick instant, there was no time for thought. Only to survive. His reaction was that of reflex. As a blink in a sudden gust of wind. As a gasp of air just before hitting the water. No thought of why or how or who or what for, just a reaction. He swung his arm, with the object attached, to his right and down. With no thoughts at all, just an involuntary reflex as breathing, he drew his knife.
The rifle had fallen to the ground in the shuffle. His survival was completely dependent on Death. Not his Death, but the Death of the object. As his involuntary reflex swung his knife wielding arm, he could see the object, too late to stop.
On the snow covered ground before him lie a Wolf. Beauty filled the Apprentices' senses as his knife struck. His knife struck the large, grey Wolf, penetrating it's soft clean fur. Large enough for half of his arm to fit into the Wolf's mouth. Grey as the winter clouds, the grey winter sky before the snow. Soft, warm, beautiful, light grey.
Sorrow filled the Man's heart, but the knife would not stop, for his arm was still in the Wolf's mouth.
The Wolf lie, lie on the snow that was turning now red. The Wolf lie dead, lifeless, still.
The Apprentice stood before the dead beautiful grey Wolf. Thousands of thoughts marched through his mind, trampling his heart. How could he have killed such a Magnificent Creature? Why had It attacked him? Then, after many hours of debate and remorse, came an Answer.
He raised his arms in Trump! He throw his head back! With the Spirits of all his Native American Ancestors joining in, he gave a yell! With this Yell, he captured the Spirit of the Wolf as one would capture the Spirit of Tobacco from the Pipe. As one would soak in the Spirit of Water standing naked in the heavy down poor of the warm summer rain storm.
He was now full with the Wolf's Medicine. He would become Teacher.
The not-so-Young Apprentice stood at the edge of the Cliff, knowing he would be Teacher. In what way, how, even when was not known to him. Not yet. Those Answers would not be found on this Mountain. In the Ocean below, they are, those Answers.
All he had to do was Jump.
"God will Catch me before I plummet to my Death," he told himself with conviction. "God will Guide me, as God has Done before now. As God will Do after now."
Fear was not an emotion he felt at the time, for he knew God would Be There for him. Concern was not on his mind, for he knew God would Take Care of him. Why was not the Question for he knew God had the Answer for him. The Answer Why, he already knew.
Jumping was not the Question, but the Answer. Why he would need to Jump was not the Question, but the Answer. Leaving behind his comfort and safety was not the Question, but the Answer. Being Taken Care of was not the Question, but the Answer.
Again, blew the Breeze.
After the Wolf came a journey up the Mountain, for that was his Destiny. On the Way, he met Others. Some he knew to be Temporary, some he thought Forever. Through the thick, dense Forest, through the difficult Trials, through all of the Lessons learned, he came to a wall. A Wall that he could not cross nor climb over or under nor walk around. On the other side of this Wall, his Destiny awaited. Fortune? Glory? Maybe, but the most important desire in his heart, Enlightenment for All? Two of the Others had remained when he had reached the Wall, when they had reached a gate. The Gate that would lead to the Promised Land. As the Others stayed back, he went to the Gate.
"I need a Key," he told the Others while looking at the Gate. They gave him no answer.
"Hey!" he voiced, unable to contain his excitement. "I have a Key!"
"We don't need to go through," one of the Other's actions told him passively. She was his Spousal Soul Mate. The Promised One. She made no eye contact with him as he moved to go down the Mountain in search of his Key. He knew then she would not be going with him to the Other Side of the Wall. The Promise was that she would, but he knew now she would not. Still, he went for his Key.
"You need to be on the Other Side," the second Other told him with her gestures, "for it is your Destiny." She had been his Friend, his Teacher, one of his Soul Mates from a hundred life times. Yet, she went another Way as he went for his Key.
The not-so-Young Apprentice approached the Edge. His first Other, Spousal Soul Mate wound was still open, long and deep, exposing his broken heart. It had stopped bleeding only because he had no more blood to spill. A trail of blood covered his Journey down the Mountain from the Wall to this Cliff. His Journey led him here to this Cliff, to this Ocean. Now, he had to Jump.
Sorrow burdened his broken heart. Feelings of intense Betrayal confused his mind. Betrayal not just from the Others he left behind, but Betrayal from the Spirits, for They were the One's he had come to know on the Way up as his Guides, his Messengers from God. Betrayal for having led him back down the Mountain in Shame on a trail of Deception. Back down the Mountain, Alone without the Promised One. But, she was not Her.
Thousands of Promises that were Made were no longer Truths. Thousands of Truths were now Lies, Deception, Changes, Delays.
His heart was not just Broken, but Shattered. It lie Dead in his empty chest. It had begun to implode as a dead star interring supernova. Broken by fear, loneliness, shame. Imploding from burned out confidence as the star has burned out it's vital gases. All that he knew as Truth, all that he knew as Trust, all that he knew as Comfort, All had been destroyed, vanished, removed, as a brightly burning star sooner or latter will be used up.
He had no one to Trust. He was uncertain now of the Truth. He was uncertain now of God's Will, of God's Plan, of God's Love for him.
He looked down the Cliff. The Spirits asked him to Jump. So far down the Drop went, so far below was the Ocean that he was uncertain if it was, in fact, the Ocean. The Spirits asked him again to Jump.
He gazed back out at the Ocean in front of him. Doubts and Fears consumed him. The Spirits asked him to Jump.
The Journey back down the Mountain had been long, painful, and difficult. With each step he took down, Things were lost, gone, removed, taken away. All that he had Gained on his Journey up was taken away. All of his Gifts, removed. All of his Tools, gone. His Faith, lost. The Spirits hid his Heart, were the Truth resides. Confusion clouded the Truth. He knew not what was Lie, what was Deception, what was Delays, what was Change. Fear of further Deception would not allow him to Trust, not just humans, but the Spirits, even God. Without his heart, his intellect would have to decide. His intellect would say No, for sure, for it had told him not to leave the Wall in the first place. It would tell him to never, never, ever, ever, Trust again for all the Lies. Never. Ever.
The Spirits asked him again to Jump.
Deep was his pain. Lost was his Faith.
The Spirits asked him to Jump.
Yet,...
He Jumped.
He fell.
He fell and fell.
He fell and fell and fell.
He fell farther and farther down. Trusting, Knowing, he would be Caught. Yes, God would Catch him, for he would certainly die from the Fall. God would catch him before the water, for he could not swim. He Trusted because he had been Caught before. Others had been Caught before him.
He fell.
He fell and fell.
He fell and fell and fell.
It seemed endless.
Fear again gripped his broken heart and confused mind and tired spirit. Gone was Trust. Gone was Knowing.
"Why hast Thou Forsaken me?"
Then, the Water.
Then, the Ocean.
He sank.
He sank and sank.
He sank and sank and sank.
"My God, where are You? You must know that I can't swim!"
Then, he stopped sinking.
Neither up nor down, did he move.
He struggled, not knowing what to do, not knowing how, wanting desperately to reach the top. The Top that holds the air needed for Life, for Breathing.
He looked up to see the blue sky reflected back at him through the clear, blue Water. Far above him, was the Top, the Sun, the Cliff, the Shore, the Path, his Path, his Key. Far above him.
He began to move, very slowly toward the Top, so slowly that it was as if he were not moving at all.
Voices. Voices he did hear.
He looked, floating above him, at the Top, four Others, Breathing. Familiar were they. Yet, he did not know them. Sounds, their voices, he did hear, yet, he did not hear clearly, did not understand. Maybe encouragement. Their gestures would appear so.
Then, as he began to draw nearer to them to the Top, a fish did appear. Huge, bigger than an ocean liner. White, clean as new snow. A Whale. A Shark. A Whale Shark. Quick, fast as a thought, it did move, deliberate. It's mouth was large, as large as a house, opened wide, swallowing the not-so-Young Apprentice, whole. No sharp teeth, no ripping and tearing, no chewing, no pain, no suffocation. Straight into the Darkness.
Darkness.
Joanna in the Belly of the Whale.
Would he be slowly digested, to Die a slow and agonizing horrible Death? Was this is Punishment for Sin? His Karma?
Fear. Larger than the Whale Shark. Fear. Deeper than the Ocean.
Darkness. So dark, he could not see the pictures in his mind.
Scared. Lonely. So Afraid. He could do nothing but Fret.
Yet, he did sleep.
In his dream, he was Atop a Mountain. So tall was It that he could see white clouds below him drifting out into space. So close were the stars that maybe he could touch them. Never before was he ever this high on any Mountain. Never before had he seen or even heard of a Mountain such as this one.
Naked was he. No human clothing. Just his white wings on his back. Attached to his back they were, made of soft, sturdy pure white feathers. Purer and Cleaner than any new snow, than any light. He was bathed in Holy Light, the Blue Light of the near full Moon. Both of his arms extended toward Her until they reached their limit. His Wings had spread.
"Grandmother, I come before you to ask for your help," was not necessary, for he had been before Her many times. She knew better than he did why he was here.
"Grandmother, I wish to ask God to remove all of the Negativity, all of the Evil, from me and to replace it with Love and Light."
"How many times have you already done this, my Grandson?"
He began to count, but knew he could not, for that was not the Question.
"As you can see, you are already There. You Are as you have Asked to be, as you Should be, as you Shall always be."
The Apprentice knew, then, that he was no longer, but Journeyman. Maybe still Young, or maybe not that Young, but Journeymen just the same.
"Then, what is your Question, Grandson?"
"To Ask God to bring Her to me." A Question he had asked many, many times, but he had not yet met Her, his True Spousal Soul Mate, always having to wait for the Right Time. A Time that was not to him yet.
"To Ask through You, Grandmother."
"And, through Isis," she replied.
"Yes, through Isis..." He already had, through a Magic Spell, even before he had taken the Wolf's Medicine or reached the Wall.
"And through All that is Good. Through All that is Love and Light." He, then, hesitated.
"And through All that is Evil," Grandmother finished. The not-so-Young Man wanted to dispute this fact. "The Evil has been Used to make the Good, has it not? Was it not Used to bring you here?" The Evil had wanted him gone from the Village, gone from the Wall, gone from what was on the other side of the Gate, wanting his Key, wanting him to Drown. Thus, Their Evil Wishes, Their Evil Spells, Their Evil Intentions had been allowed, but only for to his benefit by helping him to be here.
"Yes," he answered. "Okay, the Evil as well, but only if it does not taint it."
"Yes, Grandson, only if it does not taint your request."
With his arms held high, his Wings spread wide, he did Pray. He made his request to God to have them met. To bring to him the Promised One. Together, Her energy and his shall make the strength of a thousand. He asked in the name of Love and Light. In the name of Jesus and all that is Good and all that is Bad. Their energy to be Used to help, to Teach, to Heal, All.
"For the Good of All," he did pray.
Then, he knelt to the ground, crossed his arms to his chest, and bowed his head to his arms. Bathed in Grandmother's Blue Light, he did Thank All for All that he Had and that will Come.
He lie on his back, now, staring up at Grandmother with Grace and Affection. Clouds did cover the dark sky completely now, yet, not Her. He did Thank Her again.
"You are welcome, Grandson."
Next to Grandmother, a cloud, in the shape of an Angel. How long She had been there, he did not know, but he knew it to be a while.
"Hi, Shanon."
"Hi, Tim." She was a loved One who had gone before he entered the Cave. She was the Angel waiting for him when he left It. She had been his Guide, his Angel, his Best, True, and often only, Friend.
"This is how you know me now. This is how I have been." For She earned Her Wings, Her Status, through helping him and others. His thoughts went to the Promised One.
"She will be with you very soon, my Love, very soon. In the blink of an eye. In the blink of a human eye." The clouds then morphed, changing into the shape of an infant. An infant, for that was the Promise, the Pact, for Her to come back as our child, a baby girl who was naked, lying on Her back, legs kicking, laughing, enjoying Her freedom before for Her new, clean diaper.
"This is how you will soon know me." She giggled as only an infant can. "I Love you, Daddy." Tears of sorrow and great joy did leap from his heart, wanting to spill out through his eyes, but the Cloud did, again, change.
It did form a Chinese character he recognized as the Tao. "Naropa," he did hear. Then, it did change to an 'N.'
"Yes," a voice told him. "Naropa." For it was the Promised School where he was to become Master.
"This is you. This is your destiny," the Voice did announce. The Cloud changed from the 'N' to the Character, then back, then again, then back, over and over as the Voice spoke.
"This is Where you shall be. This is Why you have come here. This is Who you Are and shall Be and will always Be. All that is necessary for you to do so shall Be there." For he needed money and acceptance and much help along the way in getting there.
"You Are already There."
Then, the Cloud did change again. This time, it was the fish. No, not just a symbolic representation of Jesus and Love and Light, but the very Fish that did swallow him. The Fish swam away.
He now lie on a beach, facing the very bright, warm Sun. A very warm, soft, sandy beach, very near the Ocean. He knew that the Fish had put him here. He got up, then walked alone and tired up the Mountain. Many Guides did come and go, as did the Angel Shanon. He found it very hard to Trust Them, yet he did, not really knowing how, or why.
Another Wall did he find. Another Gate was there. With his Key, he did open it. Inside, this time, he was Allowed to go. On the Other side was he, now, but not alone. Angels, Guides, long gone relatives, friends, directed him, aided him. Yet, he still had not gained back all that he had lost. Many things did he need to survive. Food, shelter, money, Love, Her. Through the Darkness he did go, in search of Her. In search of the Promised One, for She is to be his Rescue. All would come back to him, the Guides did say, when he was with Her, when their energy was One. Yet, without Her, nothing would be possible for him. On through the Darkness.
He awoke... in the Darkness.
Yet, he did sleep, again.
He was again, before Grandmother, but not on the Mountain.
"When you come before me again on the Top of that Mountain, you will not be alone. For it is your Mountain. Your Highest Achievement and it shall be with Her."
"Thank you," he did say.
He awoke again to the Darkness.
In the Darkness, now, he does wait. Wait for his Fate. Wait for his Life to begin or end, for waiting has darkened his Hopes, his thoughts, his Dreams. Reflections of past failures ebb his self-image, darken his Spirit. Coming and going of friends, places, Promises slowly devour his confidence. Storms of Disappointment rain down, bloating despair.
Gone is his Trust. Stolen by the Shadows of Deceit. Eroded is his Faith. Diluted by empty Promises.
Awaken is his big Demon, Depression. Awaken by Waiting. Fed by his self-torture. Whispering in his ear is the Demon, filling his mind with negative past reflections of failures and lose.
Never does he defeat his Demon Depression. Hiding in the Shadows, it does, when ever he has confidence. Wait it does. Waiting, biding it’s time for the perfect moment. Returning to fed, to grow, to devour, to destroy. Waiting is it’s greatest asset. Waiting is his worst enemy.
In the Darkness he waits. In the Darkness, the Demon feds.
Much anger. Angry. What a wonderful lover the Demon has in anger. Anger keeps him from understanding, accepting, letting go, forgiving, peace, love. The Demon whispers hate. Hate himself, the not-so-Young Apprentice does hate himself, as the Demon commands.
“God hates you, as well,” insists the Demon. “Never help you, God will, less God would have already. Right? Why does God let you down, let you suffer if not for hate.”
“Die,” he feels he must, “Death,” he asks of God. “Death, the only answer, the only way out,” the Demon recommends. “Yes,” he agrees, “ Easier for everyone.” Easier, much better than all of the impossible struggles to reach the Top of the Mountain. Less work for the Spirits, nothing else he would require of them. “Help others better from the other side,” he feels he could. Less to worry about, less work to do, more time for others, all his work for others, less pain. “God will no let you reach the Top, anyway,” suggests the Demon.
The Reason for the Pain is to Grow. The need for Challenge is to Learn, the Purpose of this and all other Lifetimes. To Forgive, Devine. To Blame, pointless. Yet, blame he does. Blame the Highest level, Blame God. But, why, Bad things? Why is it Allowed?
Free Will. To Learn.
Given to him, by God, was this Opportunity, that Deception, so he may be Stronger, Wiser, more Understanding, closer to Devine.
Learn, he seems to not, for he will not, can not, for what ever the reason, let go. Much forgiveness has he given, yet, he can not let go. Does he not Accept? He does. God’s will is God’s Will. Is God to Blame? No.
Yet, he does not Trust.
Blame, he can not. He Understands. He Accepts. He Forgives. Yet, he does not Trust.
Not Trusting lets the Demon out of the Shadows. The Demon tells him to not Accept, to not Understand, to Blame with a vengeance. Loud is the Demons voice. Consuming is it. Forgets, the not-so-Young Apprentice forgets to Remember.
Lethargic is he, tired. All that he yearned for before, All of his Tools, his Guiding Light, All he did beg for before and could not have. All that he cares for so, All that will help him push the Demon back into the Shadows is again now there for him. Yet, Depression makes him lethargic, to not care, keeps him from it All.
Grow, Learn, the Young Apprentice wants. To move on, he must. On his own, he has to, for no one else can do it for him. This he knows, all too well. Yet, he can not.
Spin, the Circle does. Around the Circle, in the Darkness he runs. Stop, he wants it to stop, he needs to, he has to, yet, he can not.
Defeat the Demon he must, for he knows he can. Convincing is it, very convincing. Right it is, yet, so wrong. Nowhere shall he go, nothing more will he accomplish, further up the Mountain he can not go till the Demon is gone. Big and strong has it grown. Much to fed on, much. Much it has to eat and has eaten. Back into the Shadows would be enough. Better for it to be dead, though, better defeated. Gone, but not forgotten, Best. Maybe it has been Allowed to return so he can defeat it and not just push aside.
But, how?
In the Darkness, he struggles with the Demon.
Trust. Trust without Reason. Trust when there appears no Hope. The Dark has done and is doing it’s evil work. Delaying, preventing, hurting, confusing. It does not stop. Doubts only make Evil stronger. The Light has done and is doing It’s work. But when the Light does harm, it is confusing. Who to Trust, then but that which is Both. That Who has Created Both. That Who is All. Trust that All is being Taken care of, even when it does now seem so. Feel, not see through the Darkness, and the Light.
Other weapons, the Demon Depression does have, many. Confusion, the Most Powerful. Frustration to soon follow. Frustrated is the not-so-young Man. Nothing can he do to help improve his conditions. All attempts thwarted by both the Dark and Light. Frustration turns to Anger. Angry is he, from the disappointments, from the lies, from having nothing to do but wait. Waiting for God, the hardest thing ever. To be Powerless, so demanding, yet, humbling. Frustration convinces him to give-up. Anger turns him away from help, comfort. Confusion begetting Frustration breeds Anger. Much Anger in him, keeps him from Reason, keeps him Confused.
In the Darkness, he does wait. In the Bellie of the Fish.
Dream he does still. Dream again about Her and all things human. Dream that his desire for these things has kept him from the Truth. And, just as the dream is illusion, so is the need for all things human. God is his only Need. God is his True Desire. Not the blessings, but the Blesser. To be with, to be close to, to obtain intimacy with God, the only Need, the only Desire.
Through the Darkness he has felt and can now see. Past the illusion, into the Light of Truth. His desire, his need, his want for things human, feeds the Demon. The Demon is not just Depression, but desire. No desire, no Demon.
Through the Darkness he does see. Past the illusion, past the dream. Realize, he does, that he must let go of desire, for there is no need of anything, just God. Understands, he does, Clarity, in the Darkness, he has, need is no more. Understands, he does, that the flesh can never be Perfect. Clarity, he has, that flesh is illusion and that through flesh Knowledge has been given, Knowledge of True Need and True Desire. And so is need, now, unnecessary, so, now, is the flesh.
No longer does he desire for things human, only of God.
There is God, nothing more.
The Young Man, the Not so Young Man, is now the No Longer Young Man. The Apprentice, now Journeyman. The Journey, over.
Yet, the journey does not end. For it is not over until God decides for it to be.
The Journeyman slept.
When he awoke, he found himself in battle. He found himself pinned to the ground, face up. He did notice that he is stuck there by a sword. A powerful sword that is his own. Looking up, the Beast stands over him, with It’s mighty sword, much larger, much greater than his. Pinned to the ground is the Journeyman, by his own strength, by the hand of the Beast. Used was it, against him, in an attempt to destroy him. Gazed down at the Journeyman, with loathing, does the Beast. Yet, the Journeyman moves not, nor, to his own surprise, fret. The Journeyman knows that his own weapon, his own tool, of which he was successful in destroying demons with, in which he Trusted, in which he wielded in the Name of God, was used to hold him down. That which was his own strength, his own purpose, his Gifts from God, had been used to kill him. Something else is there, hidden from the Beast.
Others, the Journeyman notices, are there. Others fighting as well, have stopped to see his death. Others who now stand near him.
The Beast does now move and thrust It’s mighty sword into the Journeyman. Through his neck it plunges completely into the ground. Yet, the Journeyman moves not, only slightly smiles, looking to the Beast. The Beast, with astonishment, stands back, for the Journeyman is not dead, not destroyed. The Journeyman does not writhe, nor feel pain, nor fret, for he knows. He knows that the only harm that can come to him is that which is only Allowed to harm him. God is the Only that Allows pain or death. The Journeyman died not because he knows it is not time. The sword sinks. Sinks, as if on it’s own, deeper into his neck, deeper into the ground. The Beast, with bewilderment, watches It’s sword be swallowed into the Journeyman’s body. Swallowed until it is completely gone. The sword is gone, but not by the Journeyman’s doing. In disbelieve, the Beast did flee.
The Journeyman stands. The others sing his praise for his tremendous act. They touch his back. They fill him with compliments. His head fills with pride until it reaches his heart. Pushes it away, he does.
“The praise be to God, for this is God’s work, not mine,” he tells them, for it was God, and only God who Allowed such Wonders. No death, no evil can be done by any, including the Beast. Not done, only Allowed to happen. Allowed only by God for God’s Purpose.
The Journeyman, being without desire, now learns to live not only without human desires, but live without dependence on things human. For, there is only Love and the only True Love is God. God, is the only need, the only dependence. Yet, the Journeyman remains human. In his heart, he knows that he must continue, but without things human. Continue to live as human with only the dependence of God. Only through God does he live. Only through God, can he love.
Again, he does sleep, now. Dream he does of sorrow, pain, and fear. Dream of disappointment and longing, yet, he knows, now, that they can only harm if be Allowed. Allowed not just by God, but by his own desires. Learn to live in the threshold of all things human, to have needs, wants, desires, yet, live without them.
When the Journeyman awoke, he found himself back in his old town. So familiar with this place is he that he does not think to wonder or notice why. On a bicycle is he, wonder around in the streets. With no purpose, no direction, he rides around, looking into shop windows, seeing no one there. His ride is slow and difficult for all of the weight. He carries now with him a large and heavy backpack. His shoes, his clothing, are heavy and cumbersome. Then, he notices a bridge. A bridge that will take him to where he needs to be, where he must go. What is there is his new life. Yet, he is unprepared, he feels, to make the journey. Go he does, though.
At the base of the bridge, he decides to peddle faster and harder if he is to make it over. By no more than three feet, he has to dismount and push the bike. The Journeyman is weak and tried and burdened from his latest past trouble. Still, push he does. Others come by him. They are young people, riding their own bikes. They point and laugh at him. Make accusing jesters and condescending remarks do they. Yet, they do not leave his side. The top of the bridge looms nearer and nearer. Talk he does to the young people. Nothing important, just conversation. Talk back the others do, without the sarcasm and condescension.
At the bridge peak he is now. Notice he does that his backpack is gone. Lighter now is the Journeyman. Faster he moves now, for the other side is near. Yet, faster than this he wants to move. His cumbersome clothing fall off. Faster now he moves, but only shortly. Thinks about his bike does he and to climb onto it. Yet, gone is the bike as well. Now, though, he has reached the bottom.
The Journeyman now stands at the bottom. Further South he will go. He has only his shirt and his shorts. Yet, clarity he has now. Understand does he that he has lost all so that he may gain new. Come his opportunity finally has to start up a new Mountain. Along the way, things he needs he will pick-up. Some may be from the Old, some will be from the New. “She” shall be one of the first.
Rest he now does and sleep. In his dreams, a new direction finds him. College, to become Master, is no longer his concern. To help others, yes, but in a way that was once his and was very good, and is now better, yet, not the same as being Master. Slowly, the dream reveals, slowly he is gaining. Waiting is still there and at times, his enemy.
When he wakes he is in the Presences of God’s Highest Angel. Other are there, surrounding Him, talking to Him, stealing His attention. Four of them, one, a deceiver the Journeyman Feels, whispers in His Ear. Thinks the deceiver does that his words are accepted as truth, but He, and the Journeyman, Know. Clamor for His affection the Journeyman cares not, but wants to ask Him. Ask Him the same question that haunts his mind and his dreams. “Where is She? When will She… but he knows in his heart the answer. Like it he does not yet, accept he does and walks away. Guilt takes the Journeyman by the hand, but His words enter his Mind and Heart consoling hum, comforting him with Empathy and Knowing.
“You are doing just fine,” His voice explains. “You are My friend still.”
The Journey man reaches the ledge, sits, with his legs over the edge hung. Looking down, he does see the Mountain, his Mountain. Above it now is he. The Peak is snow capped and white. The trees surrounding It’s base are green and lush. The ocean, blue and calm as is the sky. The Clouds, white and soft. Upon the clouds, others sit and watch below. Their thoughts he does hear and knows they hears the same. There is no Judgment for them or from them, not for him, nor their companions, nor the others on the clouds, nor all those below. Notice does he now that he is not on a soft white comfortable cloud, but on this dull, dark, dusty ledge. Resentment is harbored there still. Resentment in his heart for the loss and pain. He does Blame. Here he sits, blaming, yet, not wanting to, yet unable to, stop. Stop he can not nor will not until he has Let go. Alone he sits while others are not on their clouds.
Resent he can not for there is Reason and Purpose. Reason and Purpose for All of this and All. Others come to him here. Talk they do, reason with him they try, but the Journeyman will have no of it. Confusion and Anger cloud their Words, cloud his judgment, cloud his reasoning. Clear he must become. Clear is not for this day.
The Journeyman sleeps and wakes and sleeps and wakes. Clear is still not, but closer.
Awakes he does to find himself Higher now. The Platform he was on, now, is Higher. The Mountain below is not longer visible, just the Earth. Small is the Earth, no more than a large ball. Higher is now. Clear is closer. Yet, missing is a Piece. Missing is the Piece to which will make All Known. Reasons, Whys, Purpose, All will be Known to him. Until then, sleep and wake is what he will do.