Christmas cards n'nat

Christmas is bitter sweet for me. I love the gift giving and the family gatherings, even the shopping. But it also reminds me of how few friends I have and how little most of my family thinks of me. Cards. Through picking up my parents mail everyday, I get to see just how many cards they receive. I do not count, but I would guess at over 50. This will be the 3rd year in a row that I have not received a card in the mail from anyone. Of sure, I get those advertising ones from people who want me to buy stuff and yes, I get one from my parents or sometimes my sister (not my son or my brother, though), but they hand them to me and do not mail them. No, it is not important that they are mailed, and it is the thought that counts, right? Then I guess no cards means I am not well thought of, or even thought about at all, right? Maybe all of the people I know are just lazy or they do not believe in cards or are just too busy, but they are thinking of me, right? I used to send out around 40 to 50 each year, but after I only received 1 or 2 back, I started to cut down. Now, I do not send any at all. Second year in a row and I have much guilt. I just throw them away anyway, but again, it is the thought, right? The same goes for my birthday. Most people I know that are around my age say they stopped having birthdays. They mean this jokingly, of course, because they do not want to be older. I stopped because I no longer receive cards and gifts. It started after I turned 30. Slowly, they began to get less and less. In all honesty and to be fair, I do not have many friends, I only have one grandparent left (she disowned me many years ago), most of my other family does not associates with me because I stopped drinking, and… well, this is just the way it is for me. I love to give gifts. I am very excited this year because I am giving something to my son that I want to play with too. I usually buy a gift from myself, too. I buy for those who do not give to me, I donate money to charities and all of that, just like a good decent person should do, right? And good things are returned in kind, right? No, I do not expect rewards or gifts in return, the reward is in the giving. I will put up with many months of angry bill collectors just to give a few gifts to others and that is just what I will be doing again this year. I even like to go shopping, despite all of the mayhem. But then I love to people watch. The parking lots annoy me, though. There seems to be an unwritten law that people follow in parking lots: that there is no law and all of the road rules do not apply in parking lots, nor does common courtesy, but that is a thing of the past and only a dinosaur like me will remember what that saying even means (ok, well hopefully my son has learned this from me). Anyway, I have some very special memories of my son opening his gifts. The excitement, the joy, in his eyes and on his face. When he was 4 or 5, he yelled aloud about one of his gifts, holding them high in the air, “I got guys!!! I got guys!!!.” Makes my eyes water now, just as it did then. Family is what it is all about, right? Sure it is, but again this year, I will not have a girlfriend or wife or special someone to share. 6 in a row now, buy, hey! who’s counting, right? Me apparently. I saw on TV yesterday about homeless people and all of those less fortunate than me, and yes, God, and I am listening. It could be worse and I am very grateful for what I have and tell God that repeatedly each and everyday. But that does not help much when, on this Friday and Saturday night, I will go to bed alone. Oh, well, right? Life with it, right? My turn will come, right? My sister and her two girls, my brother, and, now, even my son all have that special someone there. Maybe it is not true love or the greatest relationship it could be, but.. Oh, well, right? Rememeber, it is worse to be in bad relationship then not at all, right? Of course it is, but their relationships are not bad ones, are they? Maybe not the "right" ones, either, right? Not for me to descide. I will see my son and play with his “toys” with him, eat a nice meal with my parents, open some gifts, play with my own toys, and see all of them together (unhappy or not) and try not to think about the other stuff, not too much, anyway.