what is right and what is easy

For the past month or so, I have had this interesting feeling. That feeling is just waiting there, crawling around under the surface, snacking on my conscious. That feeling has already devoured my sub-conscious, biding it's time to get out. That feeling is not ready to come out yet and even if it did, I would not allow it. For the past 5 years or so, my intuition has been shot. I have been blocking it with my fears and doubts. Somedays, it is there and I can readily feel it, but not these days. I just tell myself I do not care, but I know I do, very much so, care deeply and want my intuition back. I do not want to be that psychic who does taro readings at the VFW, just a guy who can follow his heart and allow it to guide him again. As I have mentioned, repeatedly and perhaps obsessively, I am tired of being alone and not having a wife/girlfriend/lover. When that feeling surfaces briefly, it tells me that my life is going to be different once I get back from Jamaica. Perhaps, my life will change while I am there. Perhaps I will met someone or perhaps I will just lose some of what keeps me from my intuition. Maybe things will not happen until a few months after I get back, I do not know. I suspect that even if that feeling did fully expose itself to me, I would still not know any of that. Perhaps that feelings purpose for hiding and only teasing me is to make sure that I am ‘aware’ and ‘open.’

The past 2 weeks, I have been frustrated. I have had a strong urge to just take over. I have been just telling myself that getting laid is the answer. Forget about love and a relationship and all of that and just score. After all, I have done my best and have fallen very short of the mark in finding love. I even went on that Adult Friend Finders site and found many possible candidates for my little scheme. Yes indeed, I am going to just get some damn sex no matter if God or anyone likes it. That was my plan, anyway.

Yesterday, Trevor and I went to see the new Harry Potter. It was great! I think it was the best one so far. The movie fell far short of all the details in the book, but that book was the longest to date in the series. Most movies fall short of the books in my opinion. At times, I was glad that I read the book because the movie was a bit confusing at times. There was a quote at the end of the movie that was a 'message' for me. Professor Dumbledore told Harry, "Now things will be a choice between what is right and what is easy.” The right way is always the hardest it seems and the easy way is the one that hurts and damages. If one thinks about Good and Evil, why would anyone want to Evil when it only delivers pain and torture and nothing good comes from it? Evil’s greatest asset is that it is easy. That is why many people take the ‘wrong’ path, because it is so much easier. Going to one of those on-line sex sites is the easy way, not the right way for me. I can easily find someone to just have sex with and then what? There would be a huge price to pay. It would be a step backward, not forward for me.

After that feeling of understanding and acceptance followed through me, I did not thank God but began to become a little upset. I asked when? How much longer? I began telling God that I am sick of waiting so damn long for what is right. Every woman in my life so far has not been ‘right.' So, when? No more do I want some woman who has this little thing here or that big there ‘wrong’ with her that keeps her from being ‘right’ for me.

These times bring up the question for me about Free Will. Do we really have it? Of course, I could do the easy thing, but you know, I have tried. I went on that same site 3 years ago and got nothing. I sent out their version of contacts to every single woman within a 100 mile radius of me. All of them! I got nothing from any of them. Not one! Tell me I am so hideous that no one wants to have sex with me and I will say that is impossible. Sure made me feel like though. What answer for it is there then? Devine Intervention. Can be nothing else. Safe me from myself. So, where is my Free Will then? Why was I not allowed to make that mistake when so many others are? At that time in my life, any sex with any woman would have not been good for me. I needed time to heal and grow. That would have put me back into my rut and then what? So, perhaps deep down I did not want it to happen and some how I made it not happen.

Okay, so I did and I do Thank God for the message. What do I do now? That is the real question. Where is the message for that? Jamaica?

"Three about me"

Tag from another blogger, "Three about me" fromShithouse rat , elvira black
I am doing it her way and not the original.

Three things I like in a person:
1. Honesty
2. Intelligence
3. A good heart

Three accomplishments I'm proud of:
1. My son
2. Getting my 2 A.A. and my B.A.
3. My son

Three big-time fears:
1. Not having love
2. Not having love
3. Being alone forever

My three diagnoses:
1. Bipolar disorder (type II)
2. Anti-Social Personality Disorder (bs)
3. Self-Inflicted-Chemically-Induced PTSD

Three fervent beliefs:
1. God (or a Higher Power)
2. Karma
3. Afterlife-Past life’s

Three reasons I'm lame:
1. Low self-image
2. Poor impulse control with food
3. Too nice

Three guilty pleasures:
1. Chocolate
2. Naps
3. Ice cream

Three of my favorite bands:
(No way can I pick just 3, but.. And not in any order)
1. The Beatles
2. Elton John
3. Black Sabbath

Three great things about Cheyenne (or your city):
1. Low population
2. Very close to the mountains, lakes and streams
3. Good people

Three not-so-great things about Cheyenne (or your city):
1. Wind
2. No-growth attitude by those in control
3. Did I mention the wind?

Three kinds of blogs I don't love (personal blogs, not informational/link-ish blogs):
1. People who hate others
2. Blogs that do not allow comments.
3. Umm…

Three things I wish for:
1. Total Enlightenment for everyone
2. To find true love
3. My son to be successful in his life

Three things that make me sad:
1. Child abuse
2. Cruelty to animals
3. Being alone so much

Three things I studied in college:
1. Psychology
2. Art
3. American literature

Three things I'm good at:
1. Art
2. Helping others
3. Music

Okay, so let’s see yours.

the edge is off

Last night was the banquet for my son’s football team. A part of me was dreading going and facing more of the pain. However, after I got there and the coaches began giving out awards, I felt better. My son lettered again and got special recognition for not missing any work-outs through out the entire year, not just during football season. When the head coach began talking about all of the accomplishments of this year, I began to let go of that pain and resentment and disappointment. Well, the resentment was never really there. My disappointment was in my confusion of not knowing what to do next and why things did not work-out. I did nothing different from before. I began to doubt if I would get any of the things I am working toward. My visualization growth and development are still in the learning process. When the coach began to inform us all of the positives, well, I just saw things in perspective. This year, my son’s team started out with losing their first two games. Then, they won 8 in a row. They made it to the championship game after not being there for 31 years. They ended up having the number 1 offense and defense in the State. They scored 197 points and only gave up 43. They had a rusher who surpassed 1,200 yards for the first time ever in school history and he is only a Junior this year. We had 11 guys make First Team All Conference and 8 make First Team All State. Last year, we only had 2. There are many more who made Second Team and Honorable mention. One of our guys won the “Lineman of the Year” award for outstanding lineman in the entire State. That had never happened before. There was lots of other stuff, as well. All of this has taken the sting out of my pain and the edge is off now. Best thing about this is that many of these guys are coming back for next year. We should have a very good team. Many of the Sophomores and Freshman are pretty big, too. There was one huge shocking conclusion to all of this though, the head coach resigned! We were all in shock. No one knew, not even the kids. I think though, it is for the best. One thing I learned in all this is still loud and clear and somewhat confusing. The coach was quoted in our local newspaper this morning saying what kind of sums it all up for me: “There‘s no guarantees in life, I guess, no matter how hard you work or if you do the right things.”

Now what? As I said before, I have no other choice. Just keep working and doing and moving forward. Why I lost out this time and why many of the other things I am working toward are not in my life yet is a mystery. Maybe I will get them, just not in the time frame I wish. Or, maybe I will not get them and something better will come of it all. Sometimes, though, it seems like I do a lot of giving up and very little receiving of the better stuff.

Wish it were Monday already!

My bags are all packed and I am ready to go!!! We live here Monday. Tuesday at 3:00PM I will be in Montego Bay, Jamaica! My brother called this afternoon and told me to bring a small portable FM radio because they have some “interesting radio station there” he thinks I will like. I am so looking forward to hearing some live reggae! I hope I get to here some good local old school stuff and not the new stuff that sounds too much like rap and hip hop. Can not wait to get my toes in the sand! There will not be the traditional Thanksgiving turkey, but I am sure some fresh lobster will do. Can not wait to eat some jerk foods!

The problem with CDs

For an older guy like me, being a child of the 60’s and a teen of the 70’s, there are some issues with CDs. Yes, they are much more convenient and reliable than 8-Track tapes, but pretty much everything is more reliable than an 8-Track. (By the way, I still have some, about 200 and several players.) When CDs first came out, they were limited in their sound quality. No way did they compare to those Half-Speed Master albums or the Japanese imports (because they used true virgin vinyl and did not mix the vinyl with plastic to cut costs), but CD technology has caught up. The issue I have is two fold: lack of perks and availability.

By perks, I am talking about those really cool sells incentives that came with the vinyl albums. Here is a short list of some of the items that I own that originally came with the albums from the manufacture: posters (some 24” x 36”), stickers, book covers, laser etched art work on the vinyl itself, colored vinyl, 8” x 10” photos, gatefold covers, gatefold sized books (some reaching 50 pages), land deeds, rolling papers (12” x 12”, extremely difficult to find because, well, we tried to use them and no, they did not work so good), women’s panties. Many covers and posters were band and recalled due to graphic or controversial material and subject matter. “Penis Landscape” is one poster that comes to mind. It was included with the first issues of the Dead Kennedy’s “Frankenchrist” album. I own 3, 2 un-opened. Do not get that kind of stuff with the CDs.

The lack of availability is subjective. Most of the albums I desire to own on CD are no longer being manufactured. Some were no longer being produced before CDs. Lately, there has been a lot of older music being put on CDs. Most of it, however, is in a 'greatest hits' format. ‘Greatest hits’ is relative. For me, most of the artists best stuff is left off of those compilations. There are 5 albums that I can think of just right now that I wish to have on CD that I can not seem to find anywhere and I am told are not available: Melanie "At Carnegie Hall", Argent “In Deep”, Jo Jo Gunne “Bite Down Hard”, Devo “Oh, No! It’s Devo!”, Wendy O. Williams “Maggots: the Album”. (Any of you hardcore punk fans remember her? She was my dream girl back in the early 80’s) I bought this new toy a few months ago. I can record CD’s and not have to burn them on my computer. This way, it works just like a cassette and I can record anything, vinyl, 8-Tracks, radio, anything. Problem is those albums of mine are a bit scratchy.


There is still confusion from last event, so I am refraining from blogging about it for now. Yes, I am feeling better and thank you for asking. No, I am not feeling great.

Now that the pain has subsided a little, I think I need to vent. To those of you who read my blogs and make comments, I know some of what I am about to say is not the “Truth” but it is how I am and have been feeling. Right now, I wish more than now than at many other times that I had a good friend to talk to and that could help me get grounded. Someone who would understand all of this. I am open for suggestions and I would appreciate any advise any of you might have for me now.

Trevor's team had a very good year. Last year they only won 4 games. The year before that as worse. In time, this will look much better, but for now, it hurts a lot. Friday night as was I shaking and cold with mild hypothermia from being wet and in the wind and rain and very cold air for 4 hours, I was thinking to myself that that feeling I had then was the most painful and worse feeling I have ever had before. At least, I could not recall it feeling worse. I have know some of these kids for 5 years now. They work so hard. 31 years of frustrations and losing. My brother played for East in 1982. He says he can not remember them winning any games that year. At the game Friday night, there was tons of former grads, former players, all wearing their letter jackets, supporting the team. For them it was a chance to have something special. Central has won State 6 times now, East, 2. Central beats us in lots of sports. They are the ‘rich kids’ school, the kids who seem to have many more advantages than the others. In the over-all record throughout the years, Central holds a nearly 4 to 1 advantage of wins over East. This just does not seem to be fair or right or just. Life is not, but I sometimes like to think that there is some justice in the World. Maybe I am just a fool. Besides all of this, this is my son I am talking about. Show me a parent who odes not want life to better for their children that they had it and I will show one who should not be a parent. The thing that is so confusing and painful is that I really thought I was getting the visualization thing down and that I was finally going to met some one. Now, I have tons of doubts.

I have been working hard at making my life and my situation better. I have taken it upon myself to make my life better. I have done some reading and studying of proper visualizations. To truly get what is most important in life, one must keep in mind that what they are striving for must be in the best interest of not only themselves, but for everyone. I have no idea what is in the best interest of ALL so I have to relie on the One who does know. I know that when something is lost, something else better is gained. It has been very hard for me these past 6 year plus to see how I am getting anything better. At times like this, all I can see is how I lose and nothing is gained. I feel like I have a pocket full of IOUs. That is simply not true and today I will focus on being positive.

All day yesterday I was just telling myself that God does not care about fair and justice. I was thinking that no matter how hard I try, that God will allow the worst things to happen to me. I was feeling that no matter how good of a person anyone is that bad things happen. That is just life, but I thought I was finally getting somewhere with my hard work. I was just finally starting to trust God again and then this happens. To be honest with you, I do not want to try anymore. I was hoping and visualizing meeting someone and finally moving out of my parents house and having a decent car and a life. Now, I have tons of doubts about it.

What choices do I have? None. I have to go back to trying. I could go back to being a drunk junkie piece of worthless nothing. Believe me, the desire hit me like a ton of bricks Friday night. I could just give up on all my hard work and myself and God, but then what? It will be worse than now, just like it was 4 years ago. I could be un-employed and sicker than ever and alone and.. NO! I can not go back. I have to keep trying. However, I am a firm believer in Yoda’s words: “Do or do not; there is no try.” So what do I do? What I am doing wrong? What I am doing right?

If I am one to believe in a struggle between Good and Evil, than this was a perfect opportunity for Evil to kick me in the nuts and put my dick in the dirt. Lack of Faith and Trying is the best way for Evil to prevail. I have to riase above this. A part of me wants to just have a good cry. Somehow though, I feel like crying would only make Evil smile and not get me anywhere. No, I am not being macho about crying. I know it helps, but for some reason, it does not feel 'right' right now. Evil has not just hurt me, but all of those kids and former students and their families. This is more to me than some stupid football game. This is my Faith and Trust in God and a better form of living.

East lost 27-14

Friday Nights in America

This Fall has given me an opportunity to wittiness life in a special manner. Oh, sure, I have been to many football games before, to many of my son’s sporting events and to even many professional football games. This year was a time for me to view this in a manner I had not before. Each of these past Friday nights, I have had a special feeling. That feeling can only be described as Friday Night in America.

Each Friday, a small group of parents gather together 2 hours before the games. They meet not in some pub or bar or fancy restaurant, but in the un-paved parking lot of a small football stadium in small town USA. They share their life’s and food and some good company. As they anxiously await the hard charcoals in the small portable grill to glow red, they begin placing their donations and contributions on the make-shift tables. Most of the food is placed on the lowered tailgates of one of the parents’ SUV’s. One of the parents, usually a father, begins cooking the meal for the evening: hamburgers and brats and hot dogs. The wonderful aromas of the cooking meat enhance everyone’s appetites, raising the conversations to a higher level. After a few minutes, more people begin to gather. Soon, there are more tailgates and lawn chairs and small card tables gathered around in a tight group. Paper plates and plastic forks and spoons are allotted to each parent. As they begin to fill their plates and find their places, many standing, the conversations begin to flourish.

With each new parent who arrives, there are warm friendly greetings. Many of these people see each other everyday, some occasionally through out the week, and some only here. As they begin to consume their meals of freshly grilled meats, potato chips, homemade potato salads and raw vegetables such as carrots and broccoli, the conversations become more focused, more intense. However, there is no heated debates about foreign policies, no complaining about the outrageous prices of gasoline, no bipartisan squalls on the current state of the Union, no quarrels about city hall. They are only talking about their son’s. Most boast and exaggerate, as all parents do, some anxiously discuss college futures with a gleam and flickers of hope in their eyes. Others brag about statistics, while some of us are just happy their sons’ are playing. Some quietly hope their son’s will be the hero while most of us are proud no matter what. Some openly express their fears and concerns of glorious victories and disappointments. Occasional, there is mention of the “Old Days,” the “Glory Days,” and was it like this for us back then. Did our parents do this for us? Sure. These traditions have been handed down from generation to generation. For many of these parents, this is/was their high school, as it was for the parents of these parents. After the main course is consumed, all without alcohol or bickering or hate or discontent or jealousy, they indulge in homemade cookies or brownies, things they would probably otherwise avoid. Clean-up commences and all do their part. They slowly amble as a group into the stadium to take their places, to their un-spoken, self-assigned seats. They all ask questions of each other as their son’s prepare, warm-up, for the game. “How is Tanner’s ankle doing?” “I see Billy’s going to be able to play tonight.” “Yes, he got his grades straightened out.” “How is Jeff’s Grandmother?”

Finally, the teams leave the field to thunderous applause and the band, with just as much enthusiastic applause, takes the field. After the uniformed marching band has assumed their positions, the local ROTC members fortunate enough to honor this great country, present our Colors and Flags. The announcer, an alum of this particular high school, asks us all to rise and remove our hats. Most of us already have, placing our hands compliantly over our hearts. The band begins to play our National Anthem and most of us sing along, horribly, yet, from our heart’s. We know theses words so well by now that we do them unconsciously. That is when, in my mind, in my heart, in my soul that special feeling flowed through me. There is a sense of pride and joy and honor and gratefulness and… comfort. Yes, some of my thoughts go out to our veterans and our way of life, but I am, at that moment, living our way of life. In one simple sentence, in one simple phrase, this immense feeling can be described. This is Friday night in America.

Much of this is uniquely American, uniquely rural America. SUV’s and tailgating and football, American football, make us uniquely American. Yet, I somehow doubted that there are many others standing with their hands over the hearts, singing loudly and awfully a song they know better than themselves, if any of them are thinking they are unique in the World. Many may not be fully appreciating the events that have just taken place, yet, they will the next 2 hours. For the next 2 hours, they will not fret about their second mortgages. They will not worry about their car payments and the paperwork that awaits them at the office. They will not give much thought to wars and the possibilities of Global Warming. Most will not wonder about where they might be getting their next meal or if the bus they take to work Monday will explode from some act of cowardly terrorism. For the next 2 hours, they and myself, will only be worrying about our sons’ health and playing well and hopefully, putting the icing on the cake by winning the game.

Here is a follow-up to my last blog:

In this morning's paper, front page, was an article about my client’s uncle. Some 31 year old guy got methed-up at some party a few blocks from there. He got in a fight and had to leave the party. He decided to break-in to in his words “use the phone.” He killed my clients’ uncle, then burned down the house in his words “to alert the police." They found this guy in the backyard when they were putting out the fire. This murderer is married with two kids, one is 11 and the other 18 months. My client is now my former client. I had to release my funds to her so she could get coverage. They have her on 24 hour supervision. In my last blog, I told you they could refuse services. Yes, however, if they are a safety threat to themselves or others, they have few choices. She has lost her choices for awhile. Her choices had nothing to so with this murder, but they only have that guys word to go on for now. There is all kinds of sad that can go around with this story. Okay, so I took my client, R, to his job Wednesday morning. His boss the owner, said he needed to talk to me. Good, I needed to talk to him as well. At R’s mother's suggestion, I was going to see if one of the employees there that work all the time with R could work with him. Not a bad idea, but in this business, there is tons of protocol and legal requirements for hiring someone. No way can I get it any of that done in less than 2 weeks. It can take a long as 8 weeks for fingerprinting and background checks. However, this is only temporary and they would not be alone, yadda, yadda. By this time, only one person had called me back that I called the day prior. She is another private provider and I was just asking if she knew anyone. She said she might and to call her latter. So, the owner drops a huge bomb. The funding for R’s job, money from WEA that supplements R’s income, has run out. They can not afford to keep R without the funding. So, R is just not going to work that week I am gone. My coverage problem, solved, at least for his job. I have to provide res hap with him 5 days week as well. However, now R is going to be out of work in December. I think I got that handled today, but I have to wait. See how a ‘bad’ can be a ‘good.’ Funny ( not ha ha but ironically) how R was going to lose his job anyway. I called the other provider and she can cover for me with R’s res hap. Yeah!!! Yesterday afternoon, I talked to D’s mother when I dropped her off and everything got worked out. The ‘charges’ were dropped and the report closed. Her mother is mad though because they pulled D’s younger brother out of school and asked him lots of questions. They did not talk to anyone else and D’s mother feels they may have traumatized her son. He was at least very upset and scared and confused by it. I took a child abuse course in college. A major concern about social workers questioning kids is the type of questions they ask and the methods. It is very easy to lead the kids on and get any answer they are looking for with their questions. Of course, any good lawyer would be all over that, but this social worker questioned D’s brother all alone. No school teacher or principle or school counselor, no one. No way would any of that stand-up in court. If there really was abuse going on, that person would have gotten away with it on a technicality. D’s mother is very upset about it, but she is doing the only thing she can do, nothing. There is no legal recourse with false reports. In fact, the reporter has total anonymity. One could make up lies, just to cause problems and have no legal repercussions. I agree with her that making a big deal out of it might just give whoever that did it to begin with more fuel for the fire. D’s teacher at school has known D for 3 years, so she would not have turned this in to anyone. In fact, she was very surprised to hear about it. It is still better than the old way.

Just another day.

They come in 3’s

Some time back, many years ago, my sister told me about a theory. She said that “they die in 3’s” referring to celebrities. Rock starts or movie starts or profession athletes, it appears that the 3 seem to die very close to each other. For example, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendricks, Jim Morrison. Sure, lots of holes in that theory, but after she said that, I have seen it happen every time. Any psych major knows if you look hard enough you can find what you are looking for in anything. For me, ‘bad’ things happen in 3’s. For example, yesterday. The first I already mentioned with my coverage falling through for my trip to Jamaica. The ‘bad’ part is that the person I picked-out had a bad wrist break and subsequently, she has had what appears to be the worst possibility for her with this. She was been struggling with her recovery from this for over a year now. She was supposed to be released to work Monday, but the pin in her wrist has a screw that came undone and it is cutting into one of her tendons when she moves her thumb. My back up to her is turning herself into rehab for drug and alcohol addictions this weekend. Us former addicts have a pretty easy time seeing that in others. For me, it is normally instant in seeing it, even if they have been clean and sober for a while. I did not see it in her, or maybe I did not take the time to notice or maybe I just choose to over-look it. This is actually a relapse for her and just happened a few months ago. I have not seen her during this time. Last night, she called me at midnight to talk. I told her I would help her out and that I had been there as both an employee and a patient. She told me about all kinds of bad stuff that happened to her when she was a kid. She told me about how low she has sunk and some of the stuff she has done in the past few months. Wow. Okay, so after all that, there was 2 others that happened yesterday. One of my former clients who is an 18 year old female, was living with her uncle. Someone set their house on fire, killing her uncle! She was not home that night. When I first heard it, I was in shock. He was one of the nicest, sweetest guys I had ever met and to think he had to die that way. When I first met him, we had an instant connection. He was extremely concerned about his niece, but he just did not have a clue about what to do. He never had his own children then suddenly he inherits a 17 year old. He was doing the best he could do for her. I had just saw him a few weeks ago. After that shock wore off a little, I began to feel very guilty. Could I have done something to prevent that? Could I have been a better provider? Even if I was still her provider, and technically speaking I was, I could not have done anything. She dropped me as a provider, but she never pick-up anyone else after me. This was in September when she dropped me. In my professional opinion, and the opinion of others that assist her, she just does not want the services. She would never answer the phone or call me or any of the others back. She would not answer her door for me or anyone else. She would not show for any of the team meetings or any of her other appointments. I know it sounds bad, but in this business, you have to try and if they refuse to do the work, you have to move on to those who will do their work and want the services. It is their right to refuse services. Even though we all know it is in her best interest to have the services, we can not force her to do them. Being the type of person I am, I feel like I could have done more, even though I did all I could and I have no idea what more would be in this case. Then, number 3. D, my 9 year old who’s photo is on here, mother called me last night. Social Services is doing an investigation for possible psychical abuse. That was just shocking! E was in a panic. E is one of the “good parents.” To begin with, D can not walk very well. She has had tons of surgery to help this and it has gotten better, but she has to wear braces. They help, but D has lots of problems with her balance. When I first began working with D 2 years ago, she could not walk on her own. She fell down constantly trying to be a ‘normal’ kid with walking. D bruises very easily. Her bruises look far worse on her than the average person. Her legs used to be covered in bruises from her falling and these huge braces she had that went all the way up to her hips. So, today her mother has to call all these people and get all this straightened out. This type of stuff is why most people in this business will not work with kids. Too many people making too many incorrect and exaggerated assumptions. We are all guilty until we can doubly prove our innocence and then after that we are marked for life. Yes, I am glad that we have a better system these days, but it has gone to the opposite extreme. So, maybe I will be getting a phone, as well.

fOOTBALL & jAMAICA

Two weeks from today, I will be on the beach at this time. Well, maybe. It seems all of the employees I had to cover for me have all fallen through! In the last hour, my help and all of my back-ups are lost. My list of possibilities all ran out. Now, I am trying to find someone to cover for me. I can not leave my client alone. He will lose his job and then his apartment and I would lose him as a client.

Hey, on a brighter note: my son’s football team, Cheyenne East High School, is playing for the State 5A championship this Friday!!! I am so excited!!! Some interesting facts: East has not won State in football since 1974, 31 years ago. They have not even been to the championship game since then. My brother played football there back in the early 1980’s. The lost considerably more games than they won. The last 2 years that my son has been on the team, they have a combined total of wins less than this year alone. They lost their first 2 games this year and have won 8 straight. My sister, Trevor’s mother and step father and myself graduated from East. East is playing Cheyenne Central, our cross town rivals. For the first time since the 2 began playing each other, 1960, this is the first time they have played each other for State.

GO CHEYENNE EAST THUNDERBIRDS!!!!

Jamaica

Not sure if I have blogged about this yet, but in 2 weeks, I am going to Jamaica. The photo is where we are staying, Gobal Villa (the white building with the red roof), near Montego Bay. My brother is getting married on a farm about 10 miles from the Villa on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I am going with my parents, my sister and my son. No, my brother is not marrying a Jamaican woman. Actually, they are already married. They got married in July in Gillette, Wyoming. My brother met her at the YMCA there in Gillette. He actually lives in Laramie, Wyoming, but works in Gillette. Him and his wife have been ‘friends’ for over 5 years. Why Jamaica? About 20 years ago, my brother took a trip there. He only purchased a plane ticket. No hotel room or rental car, nothing. He wanted to experience the actual culture there and rented a bicycle at the airport and slept on the beach for the first few nights. Then he met a ‘farmer.’ He went back every year after that. About 8 years ago, my brother invested a bunch of money in this ‘farm’ and now it grows fruit (several types of bananas, yams, coconuts, mangos, ect.) He has been going there 2 or 3 times a year, helping with planting and harvesting. He has taken his now wife there the last 3 years. She is a scuba diver instructor. Anyway, I have never been out of the country, well except for Tijuana, but I am not sure that counts. This weekend I began getting some stuff together and packing. We are leaving Monday, the 21st and spending the night in Denver because our flight leaves at 7:00AM on the 22nd. We will have to be there around 4:00AM and DIA is an hour and a half drive from here. For the past month or so, I have been visualizing myself, while in my Spinning class at the YMCA, doing Yoga on the beach in Jamaica. Makes it go by much faster. I have begun to get excited about going the past few days. My brother told me that the woman there are very ‘assertive’ with American men. I would love some of that type attention. It has been a very long time. I hope I met a really nice, smart and hot island girl. That would rock! Maybe I could bring her home with me. That would rule!

more on love and depression

If I may, I would like to add some more thoughts to my blog on love and depression. In the past year or so, I have worked hard on being closer to God and to making peace with all of the stuff that has happened to me. I keep saying this over and over, but this past 6 years has been brutal. I have had to do a complete ‘re-build’ of my beliefs and ideas and thought processes. I am not done yet. I can honestly say that in the past year, there have been times I was not depressed. For me, that is saying a lot. I seem to have found inner peace and happiness. Somehow, sometimes, though, I lose sight of it. I need to make God my friend again and keep God there and stop placing blame. I need someone to love and someone who will love me back just as much as I love her. Until the time is right, I need to just keep focused on being positive and to keep progressing with my growth and my life.

love and depression

In my past blogs, I have mentioned about having a relationship, my last girlfriend, and how I thought she was the ‘one.’ I can see clearly now that I was blind and that things could have been much better. That is my hopes and desires now, to have it much better than it was before. One thing about that period of time then that I want back is that I was not depressed during that 18 months. I can not recall a time in my life that I have not been depressed. Even as a very young child, I can recall always being depressed. For some reason, perhaps due to love, I was not depressed during that time. Oh, lots of events happened then that could have put me down. Yet, it was all just water off a ducks back. Besides, I do not need a reason to be depressed. The event happened, I dealt with it and moved on and did not dwell on it or get down. The bad stuff just did not seem to be bad and the good just seemed to be so much better than good. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off not having that experience. Then, I would not have to wonder about if it will never happen again or that I would miss it so much. It seems like a cruel joke to have that small little taste and then have it removed from me. That is not how I feel, though. I just want it back! I want to enjoy my life, not struggle with it. The past 6 years have been the biggest struggle of my life. I am tired and weary and I just do not want this any more. I seem to be at an impasse or a crossroads. I know that I should not be angry at God or resentful. I know it is foolish. Yet, I can not seem to stop. I do not know what to do. If I did know, I would stop it. I want that love again.

dreams and sex

Around ten years ago, I was having a series of sex dreams. These dreams were very ‘realistic’ with lots of bright colors and sound and intense tactile sensations, even tastes. They began with me having sex, very good intense sex [much better than the ‘real‘ thing was], with my ex girlfriends. They were very enjoyable, but after I woke, I would remember all of those old feelings about them and why I did not want to be with them any more. What I thought was going on with those dreams was that I was working through past issues and having closure, even though I had actually had that already with some of them. Yet, those dreams reminded me that I should look back and remember so that I could say I learned and that I would not repeat mistakes and yet, take the good and find that again with someone else. Back then, I did not know as much about dreams as now and I had limited knowledge of interpretations. Then, after all of my ex girlfriends were done, I had one about my ex wife. That one bothered me. There is, and has not been since before our divorce, any feelings for her. None. In fact, I can not recall if I ever did have feelings for her. I know that sounds cruel, because with all the others, I can recall something. There are some that I still say I care about and I love still, but not that I would want to go back to them. There was just something there and I respect it. Not with my ex-wife. Yet, I am not angry or resentful or any of that toward her, either. There is just nothing. Well, other than no way would I do that again and no way would I want to be in that type of situation again with someone else. However, I just assumed that was a part of my growing and healing and she had to be last because it was the most difficult. That all made sense to me and still does today. Then, the dreams changed. I think all this happened over a 2 or 3 month period with having one or two a week, sometimes more. After my ex, I began to have sex in my dreams with others. Next was a cousin of mine who I was at one time, very close friends (and was at that time). She is very pretty and all that, so it did not freak me out. Then, it was with my grandmother. That one freaked me out! I became very confused. She is my favorite grandmother, but she had died about a year before these dreams began. (No, Sigmund, I have never had any sexual desires toward her, repressed or sub-conscientious or other wise). Then, the dreams changed again and the women became celebrities. Not movie or TV stars or musicians or super models, but porn stars. Those dreams rocked! They were all kinds of kinky and dirty and WOW! However, these were not girls I particularly liked, though. I was not attracted to them at all nor did I or do I now find them sexy at all. Odd. Then, one was with Gene Simmons of Kiss, in full costume and make-up (him, not me). I had a close friend back then who I told these dreams to in hopes of finding some answers. In his mind, the whole World should laugh at themselves. Therefore, he only made jokes at my expense. Not much help. I agree with not taking myself too seriously, but it did not help me to understand those dreams. To me, these dreams had changed and were saying something for a reason. I wanted to know that reason. Then, I had one with God. God, when the dream first began, was male, but just before we began to make love, God became a very beautiful, intelligent woman. God was not human in my dream, but a very soft purple Light that was in the form of a female human. I did not want to wake from that dream. However, that would have been selfish, or that was my thoughts at the time. The dreams stopped after that one, for awhile, anyway. They started again, one here and there, about 4 years latter. Since that first series, I have had some college background, purchased and read 4 dream books, seen other dream books, and got heavy into the metaphysical. I have a much broader knowledge and understanding of these dreams today. The dreams are not so much about any exes or porn stars any more. Last night, I had a dream about one of my ex girlfriends, B. In fact, that was the 5th one in about 2 weeks about her. After I woke up, I went back to sleep and then had a sex dream about another person that I only know causally. 5 times in 2 weeks is significant. 5 times in 2 weeks is saying something, but what? B and I had closure. We see each other once in awhile. In 1997, we spent a lot of time together in college and we did lots of healing and growing. Something more could have happened then, but many of those things that I did not like about her were still there, and besides, it just did not feel right. Of all my exes, there are only 2 that I would like to re-live some fond memories. No relationship stuff, just some of that great sex we had before. That will just not ever happen and I do not think too much about it. B is one of those. These dreams bring it back up, but I can easily accept it and enjoy those memories and move on from it. So, I am not sure that is what the dreams about B are saying now. The dream books I have and the others I have barrowed or read, are either too vague and general or too specific. Too vague and general to provide any good explanations and too specific too make any connections for me. However, they usually give me some other points of view and from there, I can find my answers. Most of the dream books I have read suggest that sex in our dreams is symbolic of our desires to become closer to God. Yes, I wish that, too. I have some resentment issues I need to continue working on, but I am not sure that is what the dreams are trying to say. I just do not know! I would appreciate any suggestions, but before you do, please, move beyond any Freudian ideas about unexpressed desires. Yes, I desire sex because it has been 6 years. There is something more.

trick or treat

This is D, one of my clients. She is 9 and non-verbal, although she is learning to say some words. Her mother brought her by last night for some Trick or Treat.